(Closed) 5 years and still waiting….

posted 4 years ago in 30 Something
  • poll: How many of you are in my shoes?
    Ive been waiting longer : (4 votes)
    11 %
    this happened to me, but he kept his promise and proposed that year. : (6 votes)
    16 %
    this is a red flag, you should run! : (15 votes)
    39 %
    If he says he loves you and he keeps promises, then he is worth the wait. : (13 votes)
    34 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1042 posts
    Bumble bee

    Get a timeline sorted out with him and if he doesn’t meet it id walk. But when you get one you better not nag him everyday. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    10852 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    I don’t like that he “punishes” you for bringing up marriage by telling you that will make him take longer.  He’s controlling the dialog.  I think you should be able to talk to your SO openly about your future.

    I agree with PP about getting a timeline.  If he can’t give you that, well, you have your answer.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1002 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2016 - Enoch Turner Schoolhouse

    I was with Fiance for 8 years, talked about getting married for the last 5 of it.  When it didn’t happen, and he kept saying “soon”, I will not lie, I was slowly growing resentment towards him.

    When it finally happened earlier this year though, it couldn’t have been more perfect timing.  Things will work out the way they’re supposed to.  I know it’s hard, but try to keep your mind off of it, and enjoy just being together.  You have a home, a loving man by your side, a pet you both love, a perfect relationship otherwise (just no ring yet).  Consider yourself lucky, there are hundreds, thousands, of girls still waiting to meet someone – and I heard dating nowadays, is SCAARRRY

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    3244 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Its not very long until this year is over. I would stop bringing it up completely and if he hasn’t proposed by the end of the holiday season I would be GONE. He told you this is the year. If you don’t actually believe or trust him then there is something wrong with the dynamic or he has broken promises before. If that is the case I could not be with someone who repeatedly breaks my trust.

    I could never wait five years for a proposal but I’m not a patient woman. I asked my Darling Husband to marry me not the other way round but that dynamic works for us. He is a feminist who rejects the usual man on one knee type of deal. Totally cool for me because obviously it was never something I needed.

    You have to draw your line in the sand and stick to it. Fact is, its stupid that he hasnt proposed by now. You are 31 not 21 and your body will start to lose fertility. If he wants a chance at kids as well as a swish wedding then he should have married you two years ago. Don’t let him dictate your future without a plan of your own. Just because he thinks he knows what’s best doesn’t mean he actually does. He could be blithely fucking up your future all for the chance at a ‘surprise proposal’ you’ve been expecting for three years. Hmmm…

    Post # 6
    Member
    11616 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    Yipeebee:  yup this.

    Wait until the end of the year, bee, and if he fails to come through, you have your answer. also, keep an eye out for how you guys make decisions together. It’s one thing to wait with an agreed upon timeline or goal in mind, but to be strung along while one party dictates the future of both parties isn’t cool, IMO. Negotiating is a huge part of a successful relationship, and you want your voice heard. At 31, you have legit concerns re children and he should be respecting that. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    395 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2016

    In my opinion when the guy has all of the benefits of marriage, he is not going to be in any rush to do it.  You already live together, so his comment about needing to be rich is throwing me off. Aren’t you already managing? I do think he is stringing you along a bit. There is one sure way to tell.  He has said this year is the year, so in a sense you do have a timeline. If he doesn’t stick to it, leave. Buy the house on your own if you can and have him move out. If you are the one, he is not going to let you leave.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1724 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    I waited 18 years before I got a proposal, and had reached a place of complacency, where I decided if I loved him, a ring would be nice, but overall was not a reason to leave. This was very hard about 2008-2012, as EVERYONE we knew save about 3 confirmed bachelors got married, even FI’s little brother. I frankly had a minor mid life crisis, as lots of other bad things seemed to be happening, and realized I had to come to terms with how much marraige mattered, versus how much being together mattered.

    We started together very young, 18 and 19, first year of college in spring 1996, and he was a slow starter. He stood with me when I got disowned by my literally psuchotic abusive dad and dad’s family in 1997, and his family semi-adopted me after that.

    I got fed up with school and graduated and started working, he got fed up with school, and dropped out, and had a hard time finding work in our little town while we shared the one car and I had that all day at my work (he insisted). He found part time jobs and walked, but finally got tired of how it made him feel for me to be the breadwinner in the eyes of his family and our friends.

    He finally got on the ball after a while (about the same time I kinda gave up hopes and dreams of marraige, resigned to living forever with my asshole dad’s last name), and went back to college on his own dime instead of getting new loans (which was very financially taxing on us, but made him more inclined to finish). He had found full time work by this time, too, so he completed school while working full time.

    At a really rough point for both of us, I’d gotten laid off due to cuts in grant funding in 2013, and his new boss was ramping up a hostile work environment because he had the audacity to know things she didn’t bother to learn, he told me he was ring shopping, but had wanted to finish school before even comtemplating marraige, and to feel like a grown up working and supporting himself/helping us as a household. I totally broke down crying, and was finally able to explain how much it had hurt to feel good enouh to have around but not good enough to be a wife. It horrfied him how much it had hurt me, how worthless it made me feel. He told me he knows he wants me as his wife, but he wanted to ask “right”, with a ring. That conversation gave me the biggest feeling of peace – I can’t explain it. I beleived him, and was willing to wait even a decade more before wondering if he was going to follow through.

    May 2014, in th midst of even more abuse heaped on him by his boss, we were taking daily walks to help him work out his stress. I work, now, on research proposals, and he pulled me into a spot where we’d often stop for a break. I called it butterfly cove, because it had a poster of local butterflies, and plants to attract them. He surprised me by pulling soemthugn out of his backpack, getting on one knee and said, I know you’ve been working hard on proposals, can you take one more (he knew it was corny, but it was perfect.). I was not expecting it at all.

    He was ring shopping for over 2 years, not wanting to order one off the internet, but our small town did not have what he wanted to get me, and what I overall wanted – a aquamarine ring. So he finally went to Gemvara, and I’d thoght the box that arrived was DVDs.

    All I can say is that only you can judge what time is the time to go. Deadlines spur some people on, and I certainly would never tall anyone to wait 20 years if they just couldn’t. And I definitely know how hard it is when you ahve family and friends, both asking you about it, and also moving towards engagement, marraige, and children themselves. After it became evident we could not afford to get married in just one year, we set a date this May to get married on the day he proposed next May 2016.

    I don’t think it’s about not loving you. I just think there’s a lot of build up and epxectation from the world for a man to deliver the eprfect ring, the perfect proposal, and he doesn’t want to do it wrong, before he feels he’s ready. It’s about him being ready, too. One reason I never pushed, other than to let him know I was sad (often just after a friend’s wedding – we had about 15 couples get married in just a few years) about not being married, was that it was suprememly important to me to know it’s waht he wanted. Not just him going throgh motions to do something just to make me happy, but didn’t feel like doing. That just leads to resentment, and resenment is the bane of relationships. You can deal with hurt, you can deal with anger, but resenting someone smolders and festers.

    I hope you find a place you can be happy, whether you stay or go, proposal or no.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1312 posts
    Bumble bee

    Sounds like he is stringing you along. He wants to “wait until he’s rich”? Ugh sorry but that’s pretty difficult especially at 30. And I agree with PP who doesn’t like him controlling the whole situation, saying “the longer you talk about it, the longer I’m gonna put off proposing. That is totally 100% wrong.

    If he envisions a future with you, there should be nothing stopping him. Chances are he’s complacent. Give a timeline, drop it, and if he doesn’t meet the timeline then walk. Marriage is a two-way street, why does he have all the control? Maybe you should propose to him and see what happens. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    989 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    It sounds like he feels you’re nagging him. Drop it and let the surprise come!

    If the new year comes and there’s no proposal, then broach the topic again. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    865 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    It sounds like it is time for a serious conversation about not only what you want, but why it is important to you. When my husband and I started talking about getting engaged, he agreed that he wanted it too, and could see it happening in the next year or two. But then a year went by and I didn’t see any movement on his part, and it really started to hurt my feelings. Once I told him that it was hurting me and making me feel like he didn’t want to be with me, and I explained that I was ok having a longer engagement to save up money for a wedding, if that was the issue, he moved on it pretty quickly. He didn’t realize that his waiting was hurtful to me, and he’d been putting unnecessary pressure on himself to make things “perfect” before we got engaged. He was paralyzed not knowing if I wanted to use my mother’s heirloom ring or if he needed to pick one out, not knowing if I was expecting a big proposal (that intimidated him a lot!), thinking we’d have to get married in less than a year after we got engaged, etc… I don’t know where he got these ideas, but once we talked about it, he and I both felt a lot better and got engaged within a couple of months. 

    I’d say, have a really honestly discussion with him about how you are feeling, and see where he’s at. He may want to wait, but maybe he’ll have some good reasons you can agree with, and hopefully come up with a timeline that works for both of you. And even if the conversation doesn’t go well, you will at least have some clarity and can decide if you two are really on the same page regarding marriage. 

     

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