(Closed) 5 years of dating, 3.5 years of living together, no ring.

posted 7 years ago in Proposals
Post # 61
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

Sorry for the epic post, but one more thing. I want to clarify what I meant by “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right guy.”

What I meant was that if he really loves you, you can do no wrong in his eyes. It’s OK to be vulnerable. It’s OK to tell him that you can’t take it anymore. It’s OK to tell him that while living together as boyfriend/girlfriend has been fun, you’re reaching a point in life where that’s not enough anymore.

If he really loves you and if he really is your Mr. Right, he will never hold your words against you. He will never blame you for pushing him into anything — why? Because he himself will not feel that he married you because you rocked the boat and told him the relationship’s days may be numbered. He will be happy to be married to you because he loves you and wants you by his side.

Hope this helps.

Post # 62
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I have not read through a lot of the other comments here, but I want to assure you that you are not alone. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9.5 years, since I was the ripe old age of 15. I won’t get into all the details of our own situation, but it’s fairly similar to yours. Awkward questions, societal expectations, saving money, jealousy and bitterness about other people’s engagements, waiting…

Obviously, I don’t know you, and I don’t really know what your relationship is like, but it does sound like he’s dragging his feet a little. I think you need to take a step back and really evaluate your relationship, not just wait for him to propose. I don’t see why anyone would stay in that kind of situation, with people bugging you all the time with those pestering questions about when you’ll get engaged, if he didn’t want to get there eventually. BUT remember, it’s your life too, and you get to decide where you go next as much as he gets to decide when he puts a ring on your finger. I don’t like ultimatums. Marriage is about love and commitment. If you’re in love with someone, an ultimatum for a proposal feels counterintuitive to me, and I think it would lead to built-up resentment. 

I wish you the best of luck and hope your happily ever after starts soon. But remember to be honest with yourself and honest with him. 

Post # 63
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: November 2014

^^also, I don’t know why it says my wedding date is December 1969. I’m 25. 😛

Post # 64
Member
839 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
LittleKBee:  We had been together 11 years when we got engaged. I was 29 at the time, and we’d been talking about getting married since I was 25 and we were in a long distance relationship. He said that he would propose when the time was right, and so I decided to leave the topic to his discretion.

 

In hindsight, I’m glad I waited, as I’m now in a much better place to enjoy the engagement and wedding planning.

Post # 65
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
Ellie89:  If you’re in love with someone, an ultimatum for a proposal feels counterintuitive to me, and I think it would lead to built-up resentment. <br /><br />

 

I think this is precisely at the heart of the problem: “If you’re in love with someone.”

The problem is that women sometimes start falling out of love with SO’s who keep changing their mind, literally for years on end, about if or when they are going to propose.

At that point, in my opinion, the question of an ultimatum becomes moot because the woman is losing “that loving feeling,” due to her built-up resentment and the fact that she is growing increasingly more aware that she and her SO are incompatible in a critically important area. 

Is it an ultimatum when a woman becomes so disgusted with being repeatedly let down, that she makes plans to move out?

What if the guy then comes to his senses and realizes he can’t live without her and proposes…. if she accepts, did she succeed into manipulating him with an ultimatum? Or did she simply exercise the right to live her life by her own lights and be true to herself and her goals?

I’m not directing this question at you per se, I’m just thinking out loud. There seems to be a bit of a backlash on these boards when it comes to the “U” word.

Oh and welcome to the hive! 🙂

 

Post # 66
Member
839 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
MrsAB:  I would have been happy getting engaged to my fiancé when I was in my early 20s. However, he had had different ideas as to what he wanted to achieve before proposing. In the end, it took almost 11 years of being together until we were both on the same page about these matters after some matters that were outside our control.

We lived in different countries for a number of years, and even once we lived together again (after having discussed the idea of getting married “at the right time”), it took him time to find a job. Soon after he found a job, I fell ill, and wouldn’t have been able to enjoy wedding planning until I was sufficiently recovered. My recovery ended up being prolonged in part due to some unfortunate deaths and illnesses in our families, and in the end, I needed that extra year to recover properly. Now that our wedding is less than 2 months away, I’m glad that he waited until I was staunchly on the way to recovering before he proposed.

Post # 67
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Firehouse Restaurant

Me and my now Fiance had date almost 6 years and lived together for 5 and a half of them before he proposed. I will say we had talked about marriage and what rings I like about a year before he proposed. Your situation would bother me. You’ve been in a relationship long enough where you deserve a more direct answer.

Post # 68
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
CatyLady:  I have to disagree with you. For those of us that chose to NOT live together before marriage, marriage changes a lot. My husband and I were together 3.5 years on our wedding day and didn’t live together beforehand. The past 5 months have been the best of my life so far. Living together and having all the benefits of being married without the paper is not the same as being married.

Post # 69
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
yool2ya:  It really seems to me that he sees engagement as one big source of financial pressure, especially since you make twice what he does. Can you suggest he get a temporary ring? Who will be paying for your wedding ?

The topic ‘5 years of dating, 3.5 years of living together, no ring.’ is closed to new replies.

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