Post # 1
I found this forum, and wanted to ask for some advice if that’s okay?
Backstory: I had a child when I was 20 in relationship that turned abusive. When we finally broke up and I got back on my feet and concentrated on raising her alone, and making myself stronger. I was single for years out of choice. Then five years ago I met someone through work and he was amazing. We moved in together quite quickly, and have been together every day since. He has become like a father to my little girl.
After two years we talked about engagement, and he said it would definitely happen asap. Then we caught unexpectedly with our first child together. I told him I really didn’t want to go through having another baby without some kind of assurance that we would one day get married, and once again he promised.. before she was born, or on my birthday, or on her due date which was two days after my birthday.
Well it’s been two years since.. i’m 32 tomorrow and our daughter turns 2 a few days later. I’ve spoken to him since and he says (understandably) that with the whirlwind of her birth she was more important than a proposal. It’s been two years since though bees.. I asked him again at the beginning of the year whether it was still on the table, and he got angry and said he’ll do it when he wants to do it, not when I want to do it. I asked him if we can have a cut off date so if we get to that date and it hasn’t happened, I can just try and come to terms with it never happening.. again he got angry and said if we put a date on it, he’d ask me the day after just because. He’s told me he doesn’t want to ask me now because I want it too much. Now he’s started talking about how he wants to do a wrestling themed proposal one day.
I’ve watched and been a part of my two closest friends weddings, he watches “Don’t tell the bride” and rants about how bad their weddings are and how different ours will be. Every mention of rings or dresses or anything like that leaves a horrible lump in my throat.
Anyway, it’s my birthday tomorrow, and i’ve spent all week wondering if i’m just being an idiot, then wondering how heartless I am for wanting this so badly when he’s a wonderful dad, and practically already my eldests father.. I feel old, and unwanted, and I honestly just want to curl up into a ball and sit this one out.
Any advice please bees? xx
Post # 2
He’s had plenty of time. With two children, my priorities would not be an expensive reception that outdoes the ones he sees on TV. You could be married next week if he wanted to be.
His comments were nasty, vindictive and punitive. I wouldn’t tolerate that level of disrespect. His choices would be couples counseling or child support.
Post # 3
beeplume : Oh gosh honey, what a tricky place you are in. You obviously realise, and are grateful for him being a good father etc, and we know that having a child with someone is the biggest commitment, but it doesn’t mean that you are not right for feeling upset that you are not married yet. He should understand how important it is to you. He actually sounds like he just doesn’t want to (sorry, brutal honesty) and the fact that he is making you feel bad for “wanting it too much” is wrong.
You should want to get married to him if you love him. Why wouldn’t you? He is undermining your feelings and acting like a child. Saying he would propose on the last day if you set a timeline. That’s pretty poor behaviour as far as I am concenred.
It kind of sounds like your only option (apart from leaving him) is to realise that he may never ask. Are you happy with that?
Post # 4
It sounds like you need to have a serious “Come to Jesus” talk with him. A lot of guys seem to go off on the “surprise proposal” train and have to be reeled back in a little bit. All you can do is tell him (again) what you want and ideally when you’d like it by. He can agree or disagree, but I think after that conversation you need to set an internal walk date. If nothing has happened by then, leave. You have two children and life is too short to be playing silly, immature games with this guy.
For whatever reason engagement/marriage is not on his radar right now (and, unfortunately, may never be), and he’s giving you every excuse in the book. All you can really do from this point forward is take care of yourself and your children.
Post # 5
beeplume : “again he got angry and said if we put a date on it, he’d ask me the day after just because. He’s told me he doesn’t want to ask me now because I want it too much.”
I really don’t like the sound of this. It sounds like he takes pleasure in making you suffer like this.
Post # 6
Doesn’t seem like he wants to marry you.
Post # 7
I’m sorry but his whole attitude seems disgusting. Telling you he doesn’t want to talk about it because you want it too much? How dare you be so excited and passionate about spending your lives together that you actually talk about it? (sarcasm!). And then saying he wants a wrestling themed proposal? (why is he allowed to talk about it when you aren’t?) And then critiquing others’ weddings when he hasn’t even proposed to his own girlfriend yet? Who does this guy think he is?
I’m sorry bee, I really hope I’ve interpreted this wrong but I don’t see any redeeming qualities here. Sure you say he is a great father, but there are plenty of great fathers who treat their wives like crap. I mean just because he is a good father doesn’t mean it’s a good thing for you to stay with him.
Post # 8
“he got angry and said if we put a date on it, he’d ask me the day after just because. He’s told me he doesn’t want to ask me now because I want it too much.”
What kind of bullshit mindfuckery is that? Is this how he speaks to the mother of his children? And for the crime of wanting him to keep his promises? For the crime of wanting to be married to the man she loves? Boy needs a serious attitude adjustment, I hate the way he speaks to you.
Post # 9
He seems so rude and manipulative. It seems like he is gaslighting you into shutting up about marriage.
He should have proposed a long time ago and now he thinks he runs the show because you’ll never leave because of the 2 kids. And I sure hope he hasn’t been filling your head with the idea that you’re “old” and undesirable!
Based on the rude things he says about you wanting marriage, I bet he’s saying rude stuff otherwise.
Although he thinks the ball is in his court, bring it back to yours. Tell him marriage is non negotiable and start to demand respect and if he doesn’t significantly shape up be prepared to leave and know that 1) you can find somebody else who loves you enough to legally commit to you and 2) he can still be the kids’ father and you can also find somebody else who can be a good father too.
Post # 10
I’ve tried speaking to him again.
He says my impatience is offputting, he says he will ask when he’s sure the time is right. I asked him again about setting some kind of datete to walk away if it doesn’t happen, and once again he was really annoyed.
He said if I am willing to break up with him over a ring, then i never really loved him at all, and that would mean we were definitely not ready to get married.
He says he really does love me and that all four of us are a lovely little family and to forget about timelines.
Post # 11
Impatience? It’s been 5 years and you have a kid together! I’d tell him exactly where he can shove that excuse. He’s being an asshole about this. I’d ask why he clearly doesn’t care about your feelings? If he sees you getting married then what the hell is the hold up?
Post # 12
I don’t think he wants to marry you. Can you say 100% that you two would be together still if you didn’t have kids?
Post # 13
beeplume : Your impatience is offputting? I find his entire being profoundly offputting and would be done. Seriously, he told you he’d propose two years ago and now he has the gall to say your impatience (with a two year delay that seems very likely to extend into infinity) is offputting?
fuck this guy and all the other guys in the world that pull the same flaky manipulative gaslighting bullshit!
Post # 14
beeplume : You wouldn’t be leaving him because he didn’t give you a ring, you’d be leaving him because you can no longer trust his word or his ability to be a caring partner to you. HE is the one fucking things up royally, so IMO he is the one acting like he’s willing to lose you.
Post # 15
My blood is boiling for you just reading this. What a cruel asshole. You don’t deserve this, bee.