5 years -Ruining my own birthday

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

I am so sorry you are going through this. Honestly, I don’t think he wants to marry you. He has had every reason to do so and has not done it. If I were you I would talk about separating and if he gets angry so be it. You deserve better. Just because he is a good father does not make him a good bf or husband. I would cut your losses if he has a change of heart and proposes great if not you really didn’t lose anything after all.

Post # 17
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

I am honestly like worried about you. Please give us updates about this. You should really give him an ultimatum. I am honestly getting mad for you.

Post # 18
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

Sweetie, just chiming in again to say that if you were in a really bad relationship when you were very young, your current partner might seem like a great guy just by virtue of being not as bad as your former partner. But that doesn’t make this guy’s treatment of you okay. It’s just awful the way he speaks to you frown

Post # 19
Member
9131 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Wow, he sounds so mean. I’m so sorry you’re going through that. How does he treat you in general? Does he put your feelings first? When you’re upset, does he tried to make you feel better? Does he snap at you over little things?

 He is completely taking you for granted. Well, I think you deserve better. Please google the 180, and think about implementing this. Show him exactly what he would be missing if he treats you so callously so as to lose you. 

I think you should set one of those “if he hasn’t proposed by this date” deadlines, but do it privately. And instead of it being when you will just accept his treatment of you, it’s when you decide to walk away. You deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect. 

Post # 20
Member
21 posts
Newbee

beeplume :  seeing this type of post always makes me mad. So you’re 32 now? Meaning your child was born at 30? You guys are both adults and if you have a child together, and he is a father figure to your other child, then HE NEEDS TO PUT A RING ON IT. this literally infuriates me for your sake. How dare he say “you want it too much”. Are you fucking kidding me??? He needs to man up and step up to the plate and make you his wife. You are not in the wrong for feeling how you do. I would feel the same way. I honestly think you deserve marriage. At this point? He’s had two years to step up on his own. By now, I’d literally lay it out for him: reinterate how important marriage is to you. And don’t be afraid of sounding a little angry and put your foot down – you have a right to be. Clearly state what you need and expect from him, firmly. It’s ok if you cry. It’s a powerful topic to discuss. Plan a timeline and don’t let him get away with not. In your situation, your leeway time has already passed. He doesn’t get to sit on it anymore. If he can’t step up in a agreed upon timeline, I fully support you leaving him. He may be a great father but you also deserve to be made his wife.

Post # 21
Member
21 posts
Newbee

Sorry just one more thing!! I was reading some other replies and I have to kind of agree …. he has been given every reason to do it already and hasn’t. You shouldn’t have to even be having a come to Jesus talk with him…

 

hell, a child together is a bigger committment than marriage! And he’s already got that with you. I feel like talking to him would be more for your peace of mind than it would be necessary for him to make him a decision. He should’ve already done it on his own knowing it was important to you and having had a baby with you two years ago. I’m kinda tempted to tell you to just leave cause he’s had his chances. And if he has a change of heart then awesome!

Post # 23
Member
2132 posts
Buzzing bee

The fact that he has been engaged before makes me wonder if there is more going on in his head. Do you know why you hose relationships broke up? Maybe they turned sour after getting engaged and he now doesn’t want to go through that again. Maybe he felt pressured into engagement the first two times so now he’s being extra stubborn. 

Not excusing his shitty behaviour, just wondering why he doesn’t want to take the next step when essentially he is married? Are you open to a courthouse wedding? Have you talked about that with him? I don’t know how you feel about it but maybe let him know there doesn’t need to be an expensive ring, and a big, white wedding. 

Only you can work out what us right for you, but follow your heart, bee. Marriage isn’t the ultimate goal for everyone, and only you know if those outside pressures (the ‘why haven’t you settled down properly’ crap) are strong enough. 

Post # 24
Member
1911 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

So, let me get this straight… Him giving the mother of his child a legal commitment as her life partner couldn’t be done in conjunction with bringing a child into this world? I’m confused, as a proposal nor marriage needs to be a production, so having a baby shouldn’t push back the timeline by two years. If he truly wants to propose, he would have, years ago.  Now you have two kids and he’s been a father to both, so you will have to decide if you’re willing to keep waiting or put your foot down and let him know that you will no longer allow him to string you along.

Post # 25
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

beeplume :  Turn his words back on him. Tell him that him taking years and breaking promises is off putting. And that he never really loved you if you can give him a beautiful child and he still won’t legally commit. He sounds like a terrible, at least borderline emotionally abusive partner. 

Post # 27
Member
1422 posts
Bumble bee

beeplume :  Why not just buy yourself and him a pair of simple bands and get married at a courthouse and go out to dinner with your kids after? A wedding doesn’t have to be expensive. Then you can get the nice ring after his raise.

Post # 28
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

You don’t have to wait for him to ask. And it doesn’t need to be contingent on him getting a pay rise. It’s a decision you BOTH get to make about your future, it’s not all under his power, at least it shouldn’t be.

And there is nothing wrong with you asking to be married, impatient my arse, you’re a grown adult woman you shouldn’t have to wait around for his permission or something.

If I had a child I would pretty much demand a legal commitment. He either wants to get married or not, I would appreciate him being honest rather than just playing a fiddle.  

Honestly I’m sorry but I think it will just be one excuse after another x

Post # 29
Member
1743 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

beeplume :  Forget the ring! That can come later. Just march into the courthouse together and make it official. There’s no way after multiple years together and a child that is be waiting for additional time for a proposal. Let practicality reign. 

Post # 30
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee

Don’t get married to someone you had to drag by the hair to the courthouse. You deserve someone who is excited to take that step with you. 

Decide if being with this guy is more important than being married. If so, stay. If not…

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