Post # 16
I am so sorry you are going through this. Honestly, I don’t think he wants to marry you. He has had every reason to do so and has not done it. If I were you I would talk about separating and if he gets angry so be it. You deserve better. Just because he is a good father does not make him a good bf or husband. I would cut your losses if he has a change of heart and proposes great if not you really didn’t lose anything after all.
Post # 17
I am honestly like worried about you. Please give us updates about this. You should really give him an ultimatum. I am honestly getting mad for you.
Post # 18
Sweetie, just chiming in again to say that if you were in a really bad relationship when you were very young, your current partner might seem like a great guy just by virtue of being not as bad as your former partner. But that doesn’t make this guy’s treatment of you okay. It’s just awful the way he speaks to you
Post # 19
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Wow, he sounds so mean. I’m so sorry you’re going through that. How does he treat you in general? Does he put your feelings first? When you’re upset, does he tried to make you feel better? Does he snap at you over little things?
He is completely taking you for granted. Well, I think you deserve better. Please google the 180, and think about implementing this. Show him exactly what he would be missing if he treats you so callously so as to lose you.
I think you should set one of those “if he hasn’t proposed by this date” deadlines, but do it privately. And instead of it being when you will just accept his treatment of you, it’s when you decide to walk away. You deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect.
Post # 20
beeplume : seeing this type of post always makes me mad. So you’re 32 now? Meaning your child was born at 30? You guys are both adults and if you have a child together, and he is a father figure to your other child, then HE NEEDS TO PUT A RING ON IT. this literally infuriates me for your sake. How dare he say “you want it too much”. Are you fucking kidding me??? He needs to man up and step up to the plate and make you his wife. You are not in the wrong for feeling how you do. I would feel the same way. I honestly think you deserve marriage. At this point? He’s had two years to step up on his own. By now, I’d literally lay it out for him: reinterate how important marriage is to you. And don’t be afraid of sounding a little angry and put your foot down – you have a right to be. Clearly state what you need and expect from him, firmly. It’s ok if you cry. It’s a powerful topic to discuss. Plan a timeline and don’t let him get away with not. In your situation, your leeway time has already passed. He doesn’t get to sit on it anymore. If he can’t step up in a agreed upon timeline, I fully support you leaving him. He may be a great father but you also deserve to be made his wife.
Post # 21
Sorry just one more thing!! I was reading some other replies and I have to kind of agree …. he has been given every reason to do it already and hasn’t. You shouldn’t have to even be having a come to Jesus talk with him…
hell, a child together is a bigger committment than marriage! And he’s already got that with you. I feel like talking to him would be more for your peace of mind than it would be necessary for him to make him a decision. He should’ve already done it on his own knowing it was important to you and having had a baby with you two years ago. I’m kinda tempted to tell you to just leave cause he’s had his chances. And if he has a change of heart then awesome!
Post # 22
The relationship itself is great. Honestly. He’s a stubborn grump at times and as sensitive as a brick, but he’s not nasty in any way, and soon sorts himself out.
We work as a team, he supported me getting therapy for past abuse, and I supported him getting his dream job.
He’s my number one fan (normally) and my best friend.
We rarely argue, but if we do, it is usually his stubbornness over petty stupid things, but it gets resolved quickly. Just not this time.
Someone asked if I would still be with him without our children. Tbh when we first met I didn’t want a relationship because of my past, but we couldn’t be without each other for more than a day or two right from the get-go. I do think without children we would still be on this path.
What drives me mad is that he’s been engaged twice before. Once with his 4yr gf when he was 21, and then again with his ex fiance who he was with for 7 years. He proposed after 4yrs when she told him she was expecting his baby. (She lied and then pretended she’d miscarried)
So it’s not like he’s never done it before.
He tells me all the time that he didn’t know until he met me what love was supposed to be…
I really am going to have to make a decision. I mean I did.. I decided I wanted to be engaged by 32 at the very least because i’m sick of having different names to my children, and forever being asked why I wasn’t settled down properly. (Ladies the stigma is so real, right?)
It looks like I may have to make a new deadline in my head, or just try and put up with it, and hope it doesn’t destroy the relationship.
I feel like a brat. 🙁
Post # 23
The fact that he has been engaged before makes me wonder if there is more going on in his head. Do you know why you hose relationships broke up? Maybe they turned sour after getting engaged and he now doesn’t want to go through that again. Maybe he felt pressured into engagement the first two times so now he’s being extra stubborn.
Not excusing his shitty behaviour, just wondering why he doesn’t want to take the next step when essentially he is married? Are you open to a courthouse wedding? Have you talked about that with him? I don’t know how you feel about it but maybe let him know there doesn’t need to be an expensive ring, and a big, white wedding.
Only you can work out what us right for you, but follow your heart, bee. Marriage isn’t the ultimate goal for everyone, and only you know if those outside pressures (the ‘why haven’t you settled down properly’ crap) are strong enough.
Post # 24
So, let me get this straight… Him giving the mother of his child a legal commitment as her life partner couldn’t be done in conjunction with bringing a child into this world? I’m confused, as a proposal nor marriage needs to be a production, so having a baby shouldn’t push back the timeline by two years. If he truly wants to propose, he would have, years ago. Now you have two kids and he’s been a father to both, so you will have to decide if you’re willing to keep waiting or put your foot down and let him know that you will no longer allow him to string you along.
Post # 25
beeplume : Turn his words back on him. Tell him that him taking years and breaking promises is off putting. And that he never really loved you if you can give him a beautiful child and he still won’t legally commit. He sounds like a terrible, at least borderline emotionally abusive partner.
Post # 26
We’ve just had a heart to heart. He came out with all the usual crap and I told him he’s being deliberately cruel getting my hopes up, and then dropping his plans. He said he’s already proven he’s in it for the long haul just by being here.
He said he got engaged to the others because he thought that was “the best he was going to get”
He’s given me a rough time of when he gets his payrise.. probably maybe August time.. but then he’ll need to save up for the ring, so probably maybe november/december.
..and expected me to be excited about that..
I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that this is the third time he’s pushed it back and that i’m still gutted and I don’t trust him to follow through.
It’s 2 mins til my birthday and i’m sat alone in my front room sobbing into my cats fur just in case I wake the kids up wishing I could be anywhere else but here.
Today has not been a good day bees. x
Post # 27
beeplume : Why not just buy yourself and him a pair of simple bands and get married at a courthouse and go out to dinner with your kids after? A wedding doesn’t have to be expensive. Then you can get the nice ring after his raise.
Post # 28
You don’t have to wait for him to ask. And it doesn’t need to be contingent on him getting a pay rise. It’s a decision you BOTH get to make about your future, it’s not all under his power, at least it shouldn’t be.
And there is nothing wrong with you asking to be married, impatient my arse, you’re a grown adult woman you shouldn’t have to wait around for his permission or something.
If I had a child I would pretty much demand a legal commitment. He either wants to get married or not, I would appreciate him being honest rather than just playing a fiddle.
Honestly I’m sorry but I think it will just be one excuse after another x
Post # 29
beeplume : Forget the ring! That can come later. Just march into the courthouse together and make it official. There’s no way after multiple years together and a child that is be waiting for additional time for a proposal. Let practicality reign.
Post # 30
Don’t get married to someone you had to drag by the hair to the courthouse. You deserve someone who is excited to take that step with you.
Decide if being with this guy is more important than being married. If so, stay. If not…