(Closed) 5 years since we met (as of today; Dedicating myself to shutting-it-up!

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
370 posts
Helper bee

If I was you after 5 years I would demand at least a time line if he respects you he would give you one. If he isn’t ready to get married yet thats ok especially since you said you are still in school, but I’d still like to at least know you are on the same path. How does he respond when you ask him such things?

I agree with the fact that sometimes these wedding sites, shows ect can make us crazy so sure taking a break might be a good idea if you feel like it is doing you more bad than good, sometimes I like to do this as well for a few days helps to clear my mind.

Post # 4
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

When I was Waiting, I tried all that.  It didn’t work.  What was the most therapeutic thing was expressing my hopes and expectations.  Grabbing the bull by the balls, so to speak.  A straightforward discussion can be the best thing for a waiting girl.  In the end, I wish I’d done it sooner.  Gently hinting, silently hoping, those things just made things more painful.  If he’s serious about you, a real discussion won’t scare him off, and if it does, you’ve learned all you need to know.

Post # 6
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

The only way your SO is going to know all of the things you want is if you tell him. Be direct. Tell him you want an exact timeline. That you deserve one and at the very least a promise that he’ll commit to it. Men are silly, stubborn creatures. Unless you paint it for them in black and white while giving them a detailed description of what it is you want, they’ll never get it. And you’ll never get what you want either.

Post # 7
Member
2415 posts
Buzzing bee

@brinamarie: 

He has money for an engagment ring, for isn’t ready to buy one yet. He has said that he wants me to focus on the present more.

Focus on the present for another two or three years? Two or three years before you’re allowed to hear the words, “Will you marry me”? I’m sorry, but this sounds controlling. And  what does “focusing on the present” have to do with being single vs. engaged or married?

OP, for your own sanity, I hope you don’t stuff your feelings for too long while waiting for this mysterious surprise that’s supposed to happen sometime in the next three years…. it’s not all about him. This is your life, too!

No offense, but why are you tip-toeing around this?

Nagging, whining, complaining, making threats and giving ultimatums are examples of putting pressure on someone. Incidentally, I don’t have a problem with any of those tactics — but then I’m not a  fan of letting a man take his sweet time for years before he feels strong enough to just propose already without buckling at the knees and peeing his pants over the “pressure” of it all.

Nicely asking for an exact timeline is not equivalent to putting pressure — it’s just two adults having a calm, matter-of-fact conversation that is completely within bounds after five years (five years!) into a serious relationship.

 

@abirdword:  

  If he’s serious about you, a real discussion won’t scare him off, and if it does, you’ve learned all you need to know.

Amen, sister….. This +1,000.

Post # 9
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

How old are you two? If you’re both pretty young then that explains his willingness to commit to definitely buying a house and children’s names but not state a commitment to you. If that’s the case then I agree with backing off and just living in today. Most guys I know don’t want to think about forever at 21. Now if you’re over 25, then that would be something different. At that point I would get a definite timeline before commiting more of myself to someone that wasn’t willing to commit to me.

Post # 10
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

I was getting really annoyed at waiting for my SO, and wrote about it on the boards (we are both older than you though we’ve only been dating for a little over two years) and one response really made sense to me – that I should think if I love him enough to let him figure out whatever his issues or hesitancy might be. I realized yes, I do love him enough, and he does need space, and our relationship has been much better since. So, if you love your SO enough, and it sounds like you do and you’re already doing this, you should probably give him a little more space and focus on yourself a little bit more. Can I guarantee you’ll get him to hurry up where timelines and such are concerned? No, but your relationship should improve, and he should feel less pressured, and if it’s going to happen it will follow naturally from that. For some people, its not black and white – they don’t just know one day. It’s more of a process, and thinking of it that way helps me understand it better, so it might help you too.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and that you’re already doing the right thing keeping busy and such. Great job, and good luck!

Post # 11
Member
5798 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Now I’m confused.  I thought he had the ring?

In any case, 5 years is an awfully long time to invest in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.  From your conversation, it doesn’t sound to me as if he has any interest in your needs at all.  

There is a big power imbalance here.  You have been allowing him to control your happiness or lack thereof and he’s done a lousy job with it.  If it were me, I’d quit making excuses for him, set a date certain and if there is no proposal, cut my losses and move on to find someone who will fall madly in love with me and be dying to marry me.

I think it’s time to take your power back.

 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
40 posts
Newbee

tbh, i don’t really believe in the shut it up thing to move things along. i think it only works if you have very concretely set a timeline. 2-3 years is completely arbitrary. what about engagement is scaring him off? i would do exactly as @abirdword said, and just “grab the bull by the horns”. if you talk to him about it and he doesn’t want to discuss it any further, you know he’s not really serious about you. 

i believe in equal partnerships. you both decide your future. 

Post # 14
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Why don’t you just get married now? What’s the point of waiting? There’s nothing wrong with City Hall, and you could always have an amazing vow renewal/reception later.

My problem with “shutting it up” is that it sends a very powerful message to the man, specifically “I have decided to give up and accept the current state of things. I’ve decided that you’re right, and I am being irrational for requesting/demanding/suggesting marriage.” 

Post # 16
Member
903 posts
Busy bee

@BelliniChic:  “…but then I’m not a  fan of letting a man take his sweet time for years before he feels strong enough to just propose already without buckling at the knees and peeing his pants over the “pressure” of it all.

Nicely asking for an exact timeline is not equivalent to putting pressure — it’s just two adults having a calm, matter-of-fact conversation that is completely within bounds after five years (five years!) into a serious relationship.

YES!!! +5000!!! 

brinamarie, I think you’re going to be waiting a very long time for this guy to get his act together and marry you if you don’t get more serious about expressing your needs.

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