(Closed) 5 years since we met (as of today; Dedicating myself to shutting-it-up!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think a lot of it depends on age, first and foremost.  You mentioned you’re in school, are you in your early twenties?  If so, that says a lot.  I’m sure you are on the track to marriage but men take a little while to grow up and realize they are at the right place to be married.  I would be patient and trust in your heart that it is coming. 

Even if you are older, I would say trust your gut.  I used to ask my fiance honest questions about what he wanted in the future, so I knew he wanted to be married, and we talked about marriage and our plan.  He had told me that he guessed we would be engaged by my birthday when in fact he proposed a few months before.  By giving me a general timeline, it made me realize that he was in it for the long-term haul, and not just dating.  Bottom line: trust your gut.  I know so many woman who have endlessly stressed about becoming engaged only to end up getting engaged and regret having ever wasted time worrying about it(myself included).  You know in your heart if he’s the one, and everything will come in due time. 

As far as bringing it up all the time, make an effort not to.  However, it IS okay to talk aobut the future and have affirmation checks from time to time — just try to avoid having them every day.  You will get there! 

Post # 18
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@mrsplanner:  Just read your response and see that you’re 23 and your boyfriend is 25.  You are still both young and I’m sure he has a youthful mindset.  I’d try not to have too many details planned (at least, dont tell him all of your details), but as I said you shouldn’t feel guildty about having a frank discussion about your future.  If marriage is not something he wants, that is different.  Other than that I would take your time and enjoy being young.  Once you become engaged you will be happy you didn’t stress too much. 🙂

Post # 19
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Being on two different pages about where a relationship is going can be very rough. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for wanting to know a few concrete details about your future! It’s important to know where you both stand on how important marriage is to you. My boyfriend has some of the same practical/logical tendancies that you described, whereas I’ve always been more emotionally driven. A year or so ago, we had a very honest discussion about where we both stood as far as marriage. His thoughts made me realize that yes, even though I’m emotionally ready to marry him tomorrow, some practical things do need to be in order before we can begin our lives together. My thoughts made him realize that no, not everything needs to be perfectly set up and planned before we make the commitment. Now we have a timeline that we both feel comfortable with. I think an open and honest discussion would really help you two see eye to eye about this.

That being said, I also don’t think it would hurt to take a break from some of the wedding shows and looking at stuff online. I know that if I let myself go too nuts on Pinterest or Netflix, I wind up obsessed with the topic, get completely carried away, and wind up constantly blabbering about engagements/weddings to the point where I think I make my boyfriend a little uncomfortable.

I think it would be helpful to tell your boyfriend that part of the reason why you’re looking at so many wedding-related things might be because there’s never any actual closure to your conversations about it, so it’s on your mind a lot. He doesn’t need to provide ALL the details, but knowing some things would really help put your mind at ease. He may be thinking that because he doesn’t want to get engaged immediately, it’s not “time” to have that discussion yet. I think you should let him know that you’re not pressuring him or expecting him to propose tomorrow, but it would be a great help if he could give you a basic timeframe of what he was thinking. Then, you could work together to create one future timeline that feels comfortable for you both. I think that having a few answers would take a lot of the pre-engaged, waiting strain off your relationship.

Post # 20
Member
2496 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Kate_Rose:  This thread is nine months old, and OP hasn’t been on here in eight months. I doubt she’ll be back to read your comment. 🙁

Post # 22
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@brinamarie:  Have just one good convo and try to not be emotional. Simply ask him to answer you seriously what his timeline loks like. Ask for honesty, not that he tells you what you want to hear. Then decide if you wanna wait for him. Also do not bring it up. Talk with bees about wedding, not with SO, that is what I do and I have a hard time to shut up, but it works.

Post # 23
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I feel your pain. You need to be straight forward with him. I was told my my doctor/s early in my twenties that if I was going to have children, that I needed to have them by the time I was 25. I met my SO when I was 23, and almost 8 years later, he is STILL dragging his feet about getting married. I recently had a CT scan, and the doctor said that it would be impossible to have children at this point. It is really hard when the man holds all the cards.

From one woman to another, I don’t want you to be in this situation. If you don’t think that he is going to commit to you in the long run, than you need to cut your losses and walk away.

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