(Closed) 579 days to go….’til I’m engaged….would you wait?

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
7321 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Nope, I have never been one to put my life on hold for someone who isn’t factoring my happiness in as a major priority.

Post # 48
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

You’ve already been together a while, and he needs to wait three years until his bills are paid before he can even speak the words “Will you marry me?”

I would be out the door.

 

Post # 49
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Why can’t you get engaged at least? Is it because he doesn’t want to pay for a wedding? This is love and marriage. Not waiting to buy a boat until your car is paid off.  I would feel terrible personally. In your heart you have to do what you want to do. I hope in the end whatever happens makes you happiest.

Post # 50
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Scottish_lassie:  I don’t believe it’s a reason to put off engagement. But if you’re going to be with him for the long run then just think of the house as a commitment. I’d understand as we’re the same age, that you’re unhappy about the wait, but at least you have a home to live in together. I would stick with the relationship and enjoy being with your SO and think when it’s all said and done you WILL have it all; a beautiful wedding and have a place to raise kids!!

 

Post # 51
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

my cousin and her boyfriend recently brook up because of a similar situation. He said he didnt want to get married until they are debt free. They have both insane student loans to pay off after both attending grad school. I have news for you…we all have debt, and paying bills is part of life. Unless your name is on the mortgage and you’re contributing…and this is something you want to marry into…I’d say nope.

Post # 52
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Not at all.  That’s not fair to you.  You could be engaged while paying it off.

Post # 53
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1993

I wholeheartedly agree with PPs. This seems selfish and unecessary on his part.

Post # 54
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My DH and I are planning to pay off our mortgage at (what I feel is) a very accelerated rate of 7-8 years. I would never attempt to pay off a mortgage in 3 years. It’s an unrealistic timeline that will put a lot of stress on both of you and most likely not work out. Besides that, getting engaged (or married) will not impede his ability to pay his mortgage off early. It seems like a thin excuse to me, and I wouldn’t wait around. 

Post # 55
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Scottish_lassie:  

wow based on this update, it sounds like there’s absolutely no way is can actually afford to pay off thos house he 3 years. He’s definitely making excuses to string you along.

ETA: in this case you are totally within your rights to ask him which is more important to him, paying off the house before engagement or being with you. Once he realizes that he can’t have both, he will make a decision that shows you his true colors. It’s not really an ultimatum, its just asking him to stop making excuses and put his money where his mouth is. There’s absolutely no reason for your futurie to be completely I’m his hands.

Post # 56
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I would like to know how he thinks that plan is realistic since his take home pay is only £166 more than the mortgage he would have to pay.

This sounds like an excuse. I would not wait. 

Post # 57
Member
793 posts
Busy bee

@KatyElle:  1000x this.

I think it’s normal for guys to have semi-crazy goals before they get engaged, but this seems like a little much. Have you told him about the math? That’s even assuming there won’t be any financial emergencies for three years (no surprise medical bills, car problems, etc.).

I don’t think I would be able to wait that long for even a good reason, let alone an arbitrary one. My SO used to make all kinds of statements like this, until I pointed out that there was no reason for 80% of what he wanted to wait for. He came around but it took lots of talking and me emphasizing how much it would hurt our relationship for not much gain.

I’m so sorry, waiting sucks! I hope it all works out.

Post # 58
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

If I were you, I’d be more worried about finding a new job and getting some security for myself.

Post # 59
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Ugh, I’m sorry but if he really wanted to get married money or a mortgage wouldn’t be a factor to wait..

Post # 60
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

have the goalposts been changed AGAIN? i remember last time you said it was until he’d paid off ‘more’ of the mortgage – now he wants to pay it ALL off??

honestly, girl, i don’t know why you’re doing this to yourself. he’s obviously putting himself before you every single chance he gets and he’ll keep doing it because you’re letting him!

if i were you, i’d cut my losses and find a guy who falls so in love with you that he’d be willing to make you his wife as soon as he possibly could.

but i think this has been said a million times before, and each time you choose to stay with him. i just have no idea how you can keep asking what others would do in your situation, and then do the exact opposite.

Post # 61
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

wait wait wait wait…. he gets paid approx £27k and wants to pay off £35k (ish) in 2 years?!?!?!

oh lady, he’s not going to do that… and he’ll ALWAYS find an excuse to delay a proposal…

i think counting down the days is doing you no good. and chances are, it won’t even happen then.

i’m so sorry.

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