- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2015
Okay, so this is my first EVER post on any public board… I have read lots on weddingbee but never posted. I’m at the point where I’ve lost all the magic and excitement about my day. I wrote out a long vent earlier today, not to post it, but just for myself. I was hoping that seeing my thoughts laid out in front of me would help me sort them out, or would make me see how silly I’m being. It didn’t work. Sooo… after reading lots of supportive comments on others’ posts, and thinking countless times “hear hear!” when reading, I thought perhaps I’d share too. I have kept our wedding drama off of facebook and everything else, so I haven’t really had the chance to have the outpouring of my feelings. This is a ridiculously long post, and I don’t really expect anyone to read it. But maybe posting it will help ease some of my frustration. Here it is:
I’m starting to worry about all things “wedding”. Not marriage, not my groom, not our love… but the wedding itself. Most of it is silly, trivial things that in a year’s time I won’t care about… but right now I DO care about them! And it feels like every decision we’ve made is the wrong choice. Here’s my story:
We got engaged September 2013, but did not start making wedding plans as we were leaving on a long term trip in only a few months. We arrived back in Canada in August 2014 and started getting into serious planning. We are getting married in our home province, but we were just about to move two provinces over. Before moving we searched all over the area we wanted to get married trying to find our perfect venue. We eventually settled on this lodge out in the country, which was PERFECT for us. It was within our budget, it could fit all our guests and then some (big families, and not willing to leave anyone out, we invited 215 people), and it was our style (log cabin, stone fireplaces, nestled out of town in the mountains – NOT a fancy banquet hall). There was also a hotel on site that would fit most of our guests, if not all of them. So, in short, we had decided on this place in the fall of 2014, they would be providing our ceremony space, reception space, catering, alcohol and lodging. Because everything was booked in one place we eliminated the need for booking transport. We had a bit of struggles with paperwork with these guys, but in the end we signed a contract and paid a large deposit. A lot of stuff checked off the to-do list! Awesome! We started focusing on photographers, officiant, decorations, attire, etc.
April 2014 rolls around, and I get a phone call from the manager at the lodge, “We are cancelling all weddings and closing our doors to all public events effective immediately.” (Yes, we got our deposit back. No, there were no other reparations or assistance.) Thankfully, we happened to be home visiting for a week (thank goodness for the small coincidences!) and we scrambled to replan the main components of the wedding. A few months before that we had fallen in love with a sweet little church near the original lodge, and this gave us the opportunity to switch the ceremony to that location, so we called them up and made sure that was possible. We moved the reception to the legion in town as that was the only place left that was big enough to hold everyone and still within our budget. It wasn’t something we were overly excited about, but it would do, and we were happy to find something that was still a comparable cost. Because of having to rebook everything, and availability of the new venues, we had to switch the wedding to the Sunday of the same weekend (originally we were on the Saturday). All is good, it is a week or two later, and we are settling down after the panic of the cancellation; we’ve decided on everything and had verbal confirmation from all the new vendors (and the date changes with the vendors we were keeping the same, like photographer, dj and officiant), so we’re just tying up loose ends and making sure new contracts are being signed, deposits are paid, etc. I call the lady at the church to confirm her address for sending the cheque to, she tells me they have decided they can’t host our wedding there (it is not a church with regular services, it is just a historic church used soley for community events and weddings) as they don’t have a volunteer available for that day anymore. There is a lot of back and forth with the church, eventually we suggested we’d volunteer with them and help out all Sunday, do our police checks and become volunteers with the association. Nope, just book the wedding somewhere else.
I handled the first cancellation relatively well and calmly, but I lost my shit on the second one. SERIOUSLY?! To have two places cancel?! (I know, I know, I hadn’t paid the deposit, so technically we didn’t have a contract and whatever. We had nothing more than a verbal agreement, but I would like to think there are still some people out there who honour “giving their word” on something.) So, back to the start again, we start frantically researching other churches and places near our reception location. We eventually settle on another church in town and booked it, (site unseen because we live two provinces over and have no intention of being home any time soon at that stage). We now have to have our guests sit in two separate rooms: in the main church, and in the attached hall where we will play the ceremony on a live feed to their tvs (I am NOT happy about that).
And now this is where a lot of my worry begins… I feel like we settled, and I don’t know if there is anything I can do about it. I was originally very excited about the wedding. I’d get excited every time I’d see a picture of any of our venues. Now.. now it just looks like every other wedding, on every other day. The venues don’t scream “us” anymore. They don’t say anything. They sit there in their tiny, ugly, maroon way and say nothing. We are planning on a cool aisle runner and some sort of backdrop to help, but no amount of décor is going to change the building and it’s location. Besides, after spending $650 on just the church (still have to add in the minister and everything else on top just for the ceremony) I don’t have a lot left in the budget for decorations!
I am not a “clothes” person. I am not a hair and make up and shoes person. These are HARD decisions for me to make regarding the wedding. I am a jeans and t-shirt, or hiking shorts and tank top person. I can count on one hand the number of times I have worn makeup in the last two years. I was not willing to spend thousands of dollars on a single item of clothing. Some girls dream of their wedding dress, and I understand how they can want to spend more on their dress. That just wasn’t me. That doesn’t mean I don’t want a gorgeous dress and to look and feel beautiful on my day, I do. Anyways.. the search for the dress began with a trip to the bridal salons with my best friend and my mom. My sister was supposed to come too, but didn’t (more on this later). It wasn’t a great experience. This was prior to my groom and I having set a date, and none of the shops wanted to take me as a serious bride because I didn’t have a date and venue yet. After appointments at 2 shops with the same reaction, I was pretty disillusioned with the whole traditional gown shopping experience, I went to the third appointment of the day anyways, and then called it quits. I started looking at second hand and consignment dresses but didn’t find anything that felt right in a small budget, so I started looking online. Oh the options! It was months and months of looking at thousands of dresses (eep, my poor mother and maid of honour! Sorry guys!) before settling on one. I did not have the “OMG THIS IS THE ONE!” moment, but I don’t know if I ever would considering my apathy towards dresses. I ordered from JJs house, custom fit. I worried a little, but at the end of the day, I was only spending $300 ish on the dress, so hopefully the risk was worth it! The dress arrived very quickly (1 week!) and it fit! The quality is good enough, and there aren’t any specific complaints with the dress… Buuut… I don’t know if I love it. I guess I was secretly hoping to have the dramatic, happy, teary eyed moment when I tried it on for the first time which of course didn’t happen. It still feels like “just a white dress”. I don’t look AMAZING in it. I look like I am wearing just another dress.
The satellite events:
So, along with the wedding there are other events involved: shower, stag, hen-do, rehearsal dinner, etc. There was no way I was going to ASK someone to host these for me. If someone offered, that’s fantastic, but I couldn’t bring myself to say “Hey, will you throw me a party?!” So I was very grateful when my MoH stepped up and said, “Oh, by the way what do you want to do for your bachelorette party?” and my mom said, “Would you like me have a shower for you?”.
Stag: My groom’s best man has already thrown him a fantastic stag, they all had a lot of fun, and in the true manly fashion there was very little drama involved, except that my brother did not show up (even though when we called him to share our engagement he couldn’t care less about the wedding and was already asking when the stag was!!).
Stagette: My MoH was starting to ask about the bachelorette party around the same time everything got cancelled, so I was useless and couldn’t answer any questions about what to do, I just didn’t have enough brain power left to make any decisions. It got put on a back burner. The catch is, her wedding was in July, so by the time I was able to dedicate time to things like hen-do, and what the ‘maids would be wearing, she was in the last couple months leading up to her wedding, and it was time for both of us to focus on her for a while (this is not an issue with me at all. She deserved the focus! She is a fantastic friend, and I was happy to switch gears for a while). After her wedding, we were trying to nail down plans for the stagette between us two, and my sister (also a bridesmaid), but there were delays while my sister figured out her shifts at work for the weekend we were planning the stagette. By the time she figured it all out and made a decision, my MoH was at the airport heading out for her honeymoon! She asked my sister to take over a few things (like booking our place to stay for the night, getting a final head count, etc). Two weeks have gone by, my sister did a bunch of research and then called me up the other day and said “I’m leaving for vacation for 10 days and I won’t have cell service or internet and now I’m starting to panic because this place isn’t booked yet.” By the end of the conversation I said I would just deal with it. So, nothing is booked for my stagette (which is in less than two weeks), and now I need to deal with booking stuff for that too?!? Okay, add it to the list!
Shower: I was pretty excited when my mom offered to have a shower for me. Here’s how that’s going so far: I am going back home in 3 days, I’m only there for a couple of weeks, and this is the last time I will be there before the wedding, so essentially everything needs to happen while I am there, including the bridal shower. So I’ve been asking my mom which day I need to set aside for that, turns out nothing has been planned. She brought it up in MARCH, and we have discussed it a few times since then. It’s not like she forgot or anything, she just hasn’t had time to deal with it, I guess. No one has been invited, a day has not been picked. All I wanted was to have the ladies in my life together for an afternoon, not a lot needs to be planned, but come on! People can’t show up if you don’t tell them it’s happening or when! I feel so let down by it all.
The groomsmen, and my bridesman and my MoH have all been great. But I’m sad about two of my bridesmaids. One is a friend who lives overseas and now, 2 months before the wedding, doesn’t know if she can make it. I completely understand her situation (I was in a similar situation a couple years ago for my brother-in-law’s wedding that we missed while living overseas), but it still makes me so sad. The other is my sister. I don’t even know how to sum it all up. I think she is happy for me, I think she is trying to help… but I honestly don’t know. The reality is: We aren’t close. I would love to say otherwise, but it basically comes down to that. She is in my wedding party because I knew it would be important to her. A great majority of the time when I try to text her about anything she says she’s busy or just heading to bed. When I ask her opinion, she doesn’t give me one for days or months, by which point I’ve usually made a decision, then she is mad because I didn’t use her opinion, or she constantly tries to change my mind at that stage. She doesn’t show up. She didn’t come for any of the wedding dress shopping, she was several hours late to bridesmaid dress shopping, she flaked out on planning the bachelorette party, etc. It is hard to keep WANTING to include her. It is hard not to be upset and hurt every time I talk to her. It is never about me, it never has been – but that’s a whole other story! It just makes me sad and frustrated.
At the end of the day, nothing feels at all magical about the wedding. Our church is just another church. My dress is just another dress. Our hall is just the legion. I want the day to feel special and magical and somewhat surreal. I want the way the day feels to reflect the enormity of what we are doing, and with all the other drama our day has lost its magic. Now planning has become a chore, I’m not excited about any of it anymore. (Yes, I know I am marrying the love of my life and that in and of itself is magical and I shouldn’t be whining and there are a million worse things in the world. I know. I keep telling myself these things. It doesn’t help.) Thankfully I have a supportive and helpful groom, and that helps to some extent, but at the end of the day I want to be EXCITED for our big day, and I’m just NOT anymore. I’m disappointed and tired and sad.