6.5 years and one baby later… heartbroken

posted 1 month ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
690 posts
Busy bee

What will you do if the conversation doesn’t go well again? Are you prepared to leave?

Post # 3
Member
9227 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Sorry OP. I definitely would not contribute to those expenses unless you were married. As is you have zero claim to the home. You’re basically a renter.

Maybe you could write down your thoughts beforehand? An email is a bit impersonal, but perhaps it would be easier to convey your feelings without getting super emotional.

Post # 4
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

He’s never going to marry you. He’s 34 and has a child with you and still hasn’t done it, then he isn’t going to. You need to be prepared to leave or be comfortable with never getting married.

Post # 5
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

What is it with women having babies with men who haven’t committed to them? I get that marriage isn’t for everyone, but it obviously is for you. Sadly, I don’t see this ending well for you.

Post # 7
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

Are you willing to leave him if he doesn’t commit? I think you need to set concrete timelines and if he doesn’t propose within that time then you walk. Right now, you have a child and a house together, there’s nothing more permanently binding than your daughter so I don’t understand why he’s fearful of marriage unless he doesn’t want to get married to you. If that’s the case then you deserve the chance to be happy with someone else.  I’d also stop giving him money to a house and repair expenses that is in his name and that you have no claim to. Pay for groceries and your daughter’s needs only. 
You might also want to let him know that married couples have more rights than non-married couples. Also, if he says something about common law marriage, you can easily debunk that as only a few states still have that law (if you’re in the US). If something happened to him or you, the surviving party would be shit out of luck. Unless you have a will, neither of you automatically have rights to each other’s properties or bank accounts upon death since you’re not married. 

Post # 8
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

I think you’re past the point of “asking” and “discussions.” He tried to stall as long as possible by giving the two-year timeline, he wants you to do more chores and pay for more house renovations, and he used the issue of your daughter’s name to try and claim ownership. This is not a solid, equal partnership.

Like many waiting situations, I’m willing to be that if he does propose, you won’t be happy about it because of the stress and anxiety this has caused up until now. I think not having any more kids until marriage is a good first step in asserting yourself, but you need more.

Post # 9
Hostess
7649 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2019

bmk0706 :  I am so sorry to read this. To be honest, proposing to your live-in LONGTERM partner and MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD should be at the top of his list, or at the very least, register above getting a new roof. No wonder you feel heartbroken.

Post # 10
Hostess
7649 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2019

annabeth929 :  Let’s reign in the judgement a little here. You don’t know OP’s full story and I don’t think she came here to be judged about having a baby before marriage. 

Post # 11
Member
4450 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Well if he is set against proposing and getting married but you don’t have enough strength to leave then I suggest getting a cohabitation agreement drawn up asap by a family lawyer. Do this before spending another penny on home Reno’s and the roof. 

Post # 12
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Bee I don’t think an underlying problem is because you don’t have family…come on. Like you said he had every excuse why he didn’t want to marry you. He is happy the way things are. You are his girlfriend and the mother of his child. That is good enough for him. What are you going to do if when you have this talk with him it dosen’t go your way? That is what you have to think about. What is best for you and your little girl. It’s obvious you can afford to live on your own. If your going to give him a timeline you need to stick to it, because if you don’t it doesn’t mean anything. Think of telling your daughter no no no but you give in to her and your no’s mean nothing. Because your not serious. 

Post # 13
Member
3346 posts
Sugar bee

What a jerk. I wouldn’t contribute anything at all, including rent, to this fool. It’s time to start acting in your own best interest. If something happened to him, you would have claim to nothing, no place to live. He can walk away at any time, and he’s telling you that he wants to keep his options open in order to do so should the opportunity arise. You need to save money to get out of this quicksand of a relationship before you’re totally ducked un.

Your idea of writing a letter only proves my point: you know he’s resistant to marrying you. You know he diesnt want to. You’re looking for a way to circumvent his feelings, but even with all the heartfelt letters you can write, you CAN’T. You might as well toss the letter into the wind.

Post # 14
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

You need to be prepared to walk away from this relationship, bee.  He’s roped you into being an eternal girlfriend, but you can cut that rope and go find someone willing to commit and give you what you deserve.  Time to be strong and do what’s right for you.  If he’s as defensive and crappy about your seconf conversation as he was for the first, start planning your future without him in the picture.  Men are remarkably clear about their intentions – the confusing part is that they sometimes say the opposite to get you to stay.  Don’t allow yourself to be dragged any farther underwater with this.

Post # 15
Hostess
9546 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Absolutely no more contributions to the household, especially when it comes to upgrades to the property, until you have an equal ownership in the property.

Honestly, you are paying him to raise his children, live in his house, and upgrade his roof. If I were you I’d feel so frustrated, like I am viewed as his employee (with no benefits) and not his family.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think that if your boyfriend** is an even tempered man, then it would be helpful to see a counselor to act as a 3rd party mediator in this discussion. Not only does he not see marriage as a priority, your needs are not his priority, which is equally as concerning. No more babies until he marries you, either. I agree with that. 

Hugs.

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