6.5 years and one baby later… heartbroken

posted 6 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
5566 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

acornsandapples :  not much judgment for the man, it’s usually the woman who is judged

Post # 32
300 posts
Helper bee

beemybee :  IANAL but I suppose in certain instances yes, however the child is a minor so if he left any benefits or the house to her it would most likely go into a trust until she was of age. If she’s not next of kin, they his parents probably are but definitely not OP. The child would still be able to get survivor’s benefits from SS (if they’re in the US) but I’m not sure of what else she would be entitled to if she wasn’t named in a will or as a life insurance beneficiary. 

Post # 33
4205 posts
Honey bee

Mrs_Beer :  As if the worst thing in the world is to exercise judgement. Hello? Women need to do this more not less, and in their own lives. 

I ask only that women look at their own lives and decide if they’re being too accommodating to their partner without getting anything in return. Women’s nature tends to work against them, they’re too nice, too accommodating and ready to concede, in the hopes of getting what they want in the end. And I don’t think it’s a good idea to have a child with someone who hasn’t married you when you want marriage – not because it’s wrong or bad – but because it’s not smart from a financial or emotional persoective. Yes, yes, extenuating circumstances, whatever. It won’t change the fact that in general it’s not a good idea. 

Post # 34
2238 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

bmk0706 :  My stock response to these posts is this: he is getting everything he wants. He has no incentive to change, except that it’s important to YOU and the status quo makes you unhappy. 

With all that in mind, do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t care enough about your happiness to overcome his inertia?

This begs the question – is the really just inertia? 

If so, he should be willing to change it with relatively little complaint. If, however, he’s pushing back then that implies it isn’t JUST inertia, but actual resistance. And if that’s the case, he’s not being honest with you, and is simply trying to keep things the way they are, which is perfectly satisfactory to him. 

So, which do you truly believe it is? Inertia or resistance? And if it is the latter, do you want to be with someone who feels that way and doesn’t respect you enough to say so? To be honest and provide you the opportunity to make a choice based on ALL the information. 

Post # 35
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I agree with hawk22 :  Have a calm talk with him, let him share his concerns and anxiety towards getting married, but make sure he hears you out as well. And I would make it clear that this is very serious for you and that the 2 years deadline is not going to work for you. I hate that because women think that the men should propose they let him pick a guideline and are getting themselves in such a passive role. What does he think will change in the next two years to be ready to marry you? I think by asking this question you can really clearly see if false believes lead him to be afraid of marriage or if he’s not interested in marrying you.

Post # 36
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Why do you want to marry this man if you’re afraid to talk to him, 6.5 years is “all of a sudden” to him, and his reasons for not wanting to commit are petty and juvenile (You don’t do enough chores??)

Post # 37
1400 posts
Bumble bee

If marriage is your goal out of a relationship why would you have kids with a guy before being sure he’s on the same page as you regarding this? There is no way in hell I would be bringing kids into this world with someone unless myself and our children were going to be legally and financially protected either through marriage or other legal means. OP is nothing more than a tenant in the father of her child’s house, she pays him rent FFS, and it’s pretty clear he has 0 intentions of marrying her.

I agree with previous posters in that we see these kinds of posts all the time and a lot of them make no sense to me. If marriage is that important to you don’t get pregnant with a guy you’re not 100% sure will marry you, or even better do not get pregnant unmarried. Yes I understand accidents happen, but true accidental pregnancies (contraception failure not user error) are a lot rarer than people make out, most of the time it’s carelessness or people flat out lying because they don’t want to admit they planned to get pregnant in a bad situation. 

I do think it’s time a lot of women were smarter about who they have children with and under what circumstances so they can protect themselves and their children, because when relationships break down it’s unmarried mothers and their kids that usually suffer the most. The single dad is typically affected very little and married mothers usually have the security of being entitled to half of their husband’s assets as well as child support payments. OP would be entitled to child support, but without being aware of the laws where she lives, I would imaging little else. She would be losing his house and all the money she has invested into it. 

Post # 38
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

My mom said a great quote once about men. It went a little something like this. 

“A man who is happy with the way things are will continue to be happy with the way things are until things are no longer the way they are.” 

PP’s have stated all of this, but let me sum up: you have a house with this man. You have a child with this man. You’re paying for this man’s stuff. You’re feeding this man and sleeping with this man and literally doing every blessed thing he needs to be happy. Why on earth should he put down money to marry you? If he’s like every other man I know, he’s totally content and spending $20,000 on a party where he doesn’t really get anything out of it just is not something he wants to do. Yes, he’s a total JERK about it and should damn respect you and what you want, but you need to realize: he’s happy. You said it yourself. He’s content. 

Unless having a baby with this man was an accident, I’m struggling, like some PP’s, to justify why you were okay with having a baby with this man. A baby is one billion percent more important than a ceremony and one-day party. It seems a lot of bees are hung up on this detail, but that’s just because it’s simply puzzling. 

As far as advice to go forward, stop giving him a single dime to this man unless it is to care for your child (buying her food, clothes, toys, etc.) – you need to keep every other dime you make and save it up for a wedding. Do not expect him to financially contribute. You’ll likely pay for your own ring and your own wedding. And he’ll probably be mad. 

I personally would have stopped dating him like 4 years ago. Marriage is a massive deal to me and would be the sheer focus of my existence two years in. 

Post # 40
848 posts
Busy bee

acornsandapples :  Even if the pregnancy were unplanned, she still chose to have the child with an uncommitted man outside of the security of marriage. If her goal was a nuclear family within a committed marriage, that was a poor decision.

I would argue at this point she should be selfish and pay only for herself and the child and save the rest. Consider the rent more than paid by her previous contribution to the house and his allocation of child support.

Post # 41
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Every cent you pay in “rent” goes to build his equity in a house he owns and you do not. This is a totally biased way to finance your lives. You break up–his house is worth a lot more, and you have nothing.

Just to begin with.

Post # 42
871 posts
Busy bee

He treats the mother of his child like a tenant but then wants her to go from being a tenant to being his partner when he needs a new roof? Since when do renters pay for the landlord’s renovations? OP, if this is how he treats you, are you even happy with this guy? Is it possible you’re trying to make the best of things because of your daughter? Because he seems to be all about looking after himself.

Post # 43
1106 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You know the old saying “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Well I’m pretty sure nowadays, that isn’t about sex or living together. It’s about having children. You live with him, pay half the bills, I’m sure you clean the house, you gave him a child. You act like his wife and have been for at least 3 years (when you got pregnant), hes not going to marry you. He likely sees zero benefit in it, other than *maybe* tax benefits. 

Post # 44
300 posts
Helper bee

anonymousbee001 :  so what would her options if she got pregnant accidentally and if she didn’t want to abort the child? Why does it matter now? She’s in this situation, the kid is already born. She asked us for advice on her SO, not to attack her choice as an unwed mother. What help is it to ask why she got pregnant before marriage? Why are we condemning her for having premarital sex that ended in an unplanned pregnancy? (Because we all know that BC is 100% effective /s) Why is it only her fault that she fell accidentally pregnant, why isn’t the man also shown blame? How is that going to help the current situation at hand? 

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