6.5 years and one baby later… heartbroken

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 76
Member
827 posts
Busy bee

sassy411 :  Thank you, what a lovely thing to say. Ditto your posts on here. 

Post # 77
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

bmk0706 :  I had a lot of advice typed out, but it all sounded really mean and judgmental, which is the last thing you need right now.

A man who wants to marry you will do so without hesitation and almost under any circumstance. I think you need to move out with your daughter and let him take care of the house and groceries on his own while you date, if you want to try to salvage the relationship. He doesn’t get the wife benefits without the wife title. No staying the night, no homecooked meals, no helping with chores or finances not directly related to your daughter, and no sexy times.

And for what it is worth, I do not agree with doing the above. I would just leave. It would kill me to be with someone who wasn’t over the moon about marrying me. Because I’m a mother-freaking prize of a lifetime. You are too! He should feel like he hit the lottery because you want to marry him!

Post # 78
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

sassy411 :  “Here we are, talking about letters and emails.  WTAF?”

I get your main point, but a lot of therapists recommend doing things like this, not because they think you are or should be afraid to talk with your partner, but because sometimes it’s easier for you to understand and articulate your own thoughts and feelings better if you write them out. So maybe OP can write down what she wants, not to send her boyfriend a letter and avoid actually talking to him, but so she can get a clearer idea for herself as to what she truly wants out of this relationship. 

Post # 79
Member
10597 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

llevinso :  

Fair enough.

But, when that technique is used in therapy, the goal is to salvage a troubled relationship. That’s not what I was addressing here.  

My point was that relationship goals should be an ongoing dialogue, not a bolt from the blue.

Post # 80
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

bmk0706 :  Bee, I am not the first person to mention this, but what really stuck out to me is that your bf was “shocked” that after 6.5 years of a relationship, a 2 year old child together, and years of cohabitation, you tell him you want to get married, which you had stated was something you wanted from the beginning of the relationship. The only reason for him to be shocked is if he thought maybe you “forgot” or that you had changed your mind since you hadn’t brought it up much again (this is an assumption since you didn’t mention it in your posts but perhaps you did, I am just literally reaching for straws here to see where he might be coming from). This shouldn’t be shocking to anyone, which is why I think that is a bold-faced lie.

Additionally, I struggle to understand what he’d be so afraid of considering, in my opinion, a child is much more of a lifetime commitment you can’t “undo” than marriage. You two already have that, so really, how would marriage change that, besides to offer both of you additional benefits you didn’t have before? It’s just always so strange to me that men (and women) are willing to have babies with someone, but then recoil at the mention of marriage as if they haven’t just permanently connected their lives already. And that’s no judgement on your decision to have a child before marriage, that’s a judgement on your bf for acting as if he hasn’t already tied himself to you more permanently than marriage to begin with.

Bee, if you want marriage, you need to be able to walk away from this guy. It sucks that you have a child together who will be affected by this, but if he’s truly this “shocked” after everything you’ve built together, that screams that he doesn’t want to get married at all to me. I’m so sorry you have to even go through this, but if he isn’t willing to marry you, you have to be willing to leave him.

Post # 81
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

sassy411 :  “My point was that relationship goals should be an ongoing dialogue, not a bolt from the blue.”

I totally agree. I think, in general, that is a big problem in a lot of these waiting threads. There is no ongoing open and honest communication between partners. It doesn’t sound like these two have had clear communication throughout their relationship. More like things were hinted at or implied but nothing ever really said outright, which has obviously led to a lot of problems. But for the boyfriend to feign shock at his gf 6.5 years wanting marriage is utterly ridiculous. But what’s done is done and now it’s time to focus on the present (and future). Which is why OP needs to compose herself and figure out what she truly wants and then make it crystal clear to her bf. 

Post # 82
Member
3947 posts
Honey bee

bmk0706 :  The financial matters are something you can definitely negotiate. You’ve been way too accommodating, I’ll bet you do more of the housework too. Take your sense of fair play and throw it out the window, because your boyfriend surely isn’t using his. I mean it when I say stop paying anything. Not rent, not utilities, nothing until you are an equal partner which to me is marriage and a share in the ownership of the house. Tell him that he didn’t pay to rent out your uterus and he doesn’t pay for necessities (wtaf?) so you’re taking it out in trade. If he doesn’t like it he can evict you. Or marry you. His choice. 

I’m very blunt and a bit of a hardass, but it’s served me well. People don’t expect this from a woman. We had a pool built, large one. The company dug it incorrectly and part of it would be sticking up. I was the one dealing with the contractor, not my husband. I expressed my dissatisfaction and the fool told me that I needed to bring in truckloads of fill. I told him that wasn’t going to happen and that he was going to dig the hole properly according to the instructions given by the engineer. My dog knew I was angry and I had to restrain her from ripping his throat out. The owner called later and yelled at me, but I repeated what I expected. 

And guess what? They did exactly as I wanted and re dug the hole correctly, no fill needed. They were hoping they could push a young small female around, it was very, very clear. They lost a lot of profit off the job but too bad.

Your boyfriend has been profiting off your labor for too long now. It’s time to act selfishly for you. 

Post # 83
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

I really like the plan of action suggested by mrsbarack :  move out, withdraw your financial support, and offer to go back to dating him in a very old-fashioned this-must-lead-to-marriage kind of way. 

Be the change. 

 

Be strong.

Be a role model of strength and female empowerment for your little one.  

You deserve to be valued so much more than this.

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