6.5 years, still waiting, how do I get my mind off of this?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

This 100%… I’m a bit older than you and have been with my boyfriend over five and a half years. I can’t offer any help but wanted to let you know I’m right there with you.

Post # 3
Member
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Well you know that he is working on it. So let it go. When it happens it happens. Don’t put yourself in a position that you feel this way just because other people are doing it. That’s not a reason to get engaged. Yea 6.5 years is along time but like you said you are still pretty young. Just be happy for your best friend please. It’s a jealousy thing. But your boyfriend will do it when the time is right, give him credit for “working on it”. Let it go. When the time is right it will happen to you as well and you would want people to be just as happy for you as they would want you to be happy for them, right?

Post # 4
Member
1531 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

Talk to him, be honest. Maybe he doesn’t know how much it’s bothering you.

Post # 5
Hostess
10354 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

View original reply
serendipitouslyus :  So I was in your exact situation! 6.5 years, dating since HS, wasn’t serious about marriage until after getting my MS, but knew I wanted to marry him. 

It sounds like he’s taking the right steps and saying the right things! My DH was slow to propose too. He even waited like 3 months after he had the ering. But it was because he was planning something huge! 

I’d have one more talk with him, but keep it light. Just say you really look forward to marrying him and all this stuff with your friend getting married makes you excited. See if maybe he will talk wedding ideas? Then leave him alone and let him plan 🙂 Join the waiting boards, they helped me!

Post # 6
Member
1999 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Stop comparing other people’s relationships to yours. There’s people who could be together 5 years and do not belong together and people who are better matched after a year (even though I personally think that’s too soon). Point is your relationship started when you were teens so the time feels long but you were very young. At this point it does not take 6 months to plan a proposal. Are you sure he is planning something and if you are then why are you stressing over it? Deep down you probably believe he is not which is why you’re coveting what others have? 

Post # 7
Member
1689 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

Try not to compare yourself to others. It’s hard, but every relationship moves at a different pace. There’s nothing wrong with a relationship that moves to marriage after one year or ten years. 

You know he is working on proposing! That’s a HUGE step! It’s super exciting! Try not to dwell on how long it takes. Picking out a ring can be daunting, and if he’s planning something big, that can also take a while.

As for everyone asking about it…I feel you on that. My fiance’s relatives started asking that question after we’d been together for 2 years…he didn’t propose until our 5th anniversary. I wasn’t even hoping to get engaged until about our 4th year together, but being asked so often by so many people was a lot to deal with. Eventually, to save my sanity, I’d just tell them “I don’t know! I’m not in control of that, you’ll have to ask him about that won’t you?” They got the message.

Step back, take a deep breath, and enjoy where you are right now! It will come with time.

Post # 8
Member
932 posts
Busy bee

I would focus on how you can build your relationship to be even better, and making a plan for how you can support each other as you change over the years. 

You are both VERY young, and you met when you were even younger. One of the challanges you will face is how to adapt to the new person your partner becomes over the years. Planning and building for that and developing skills to handle it is importnat and hard. 

Focusing on that might make the wait easier–and your relationship even better! After all, divorce rates are LITERALLY 50% less for people who get married after 25 then before. Sociological research suggests the best age at which to get married appears to be between 28 and 32. Before that age range, divorce rates are still decreasing; after that window, they begin to climb again. (Note that doesn’t mean you should wait just for the sake of it or anything, but that you can think of this as an imporant skill building and growth time in your relationship, not just a period of waiting it out!_)

 

Post # 9
Member
9 posts
Newbee

LEAVE!!! If he really wants to propose he would have by now. Time to stop making excuses or you will just resent him for the rest of your life. Don’t listen to these women telling you to be patient. Fuck that. You’ve been patient far too long in my opinion.  Looks like all a ring is going to bring is validation for YOU. Be happy with yourself! He is clearly doing more harm than good since it is causing you to be so upset. This isn’t a competition to win a ring. This is YOUR life and you need to put a foot down. He doesn’t get that power over you. If you know what you want, GO GET IT! I know someone who was in your same boat and she got tired of playing wifey for her bf and left after 5 years and the very next day he proposed and she said no. She is now happy with someone else who proposed after a year and treats her way better. The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. Don’t EVER cry over a man not reassuring you you’re important because the right one will never give you an ounce of doubt. I say give him until the end of the year since he is allegedly hinting around it but after that move on because I have a 2 year rule and I don’t trust a guy who had to consider my application for wifey over that period of time. Know you are the prize and YOU decide your worth. Next time you’re in a relationship establish a timeline. Good luck:)

Post # 10
Member
47430 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have the two of you talked and agreed that (a) you both want to marry (b) you want to marry each other and (c) agreed on  time line? There is no reason to sit back passively waiting for him to establish the time line. This should be a joint decision.

Post # 11
Member
932 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
manderr :  UH…did you read this before you posted? They were in HIGH SCHOOL when they met. The idea that people would propose at that young age is highly problematic so your demands to leave seem quite unjustified by anything to OP said. People who get together very young often stay together much longer before getting married than people who get together later because they are growing and learning who they are. And its a very good idea to do so! It would be a SHIT idea to to meet at 17 and get married two years later, for most people. 

Post # 12
Member
1689 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

View original reply
manderr :  that’s a gross oversimplification of what goes in to deciding to get married. Many people don’t want to think about getting married while they are still in school, and if you actually read the post, you’d know that they started dating in high school and she has only actually been “waiting” for a year. So even by your standards, there’s still a year before she should worry.

 

Post # 13
Member
9 posts
Newbee

I READ THAT THEY WERE DATING IN HIGH SCHOOL. Y’all need to chill. I did not say that she should have only given him two years then – I’m saying that’s my personal rule as a grown woman now. She is 24. Last time I checked, she is a grown woman. If you were to also look at her post, you would notice that she said she’s been out of school. Why is there not a ring on her finger today???? The girl is obviously upset that there isn’t one and I don’t believe she should have to wait for validation. I hate when women put their self worth in the hands of a man. Honey, you are a queen and if it is causing you pain, I don’t see a reason to wait around if he isn’t taking the steps to make something happen. All I’m saying is she deserves to feel cherished. 

View original reply
chelbell23 :  

Post # 14
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

maybe take a few steps back circle back to “the talk with him”.  Everyones story is different and every guy is different. as long as the goal is the same and you both agree upon the goal.

if his goals are different then yours then you must be able to wait longer or move on if its not what you want to hear. most girls will wait. as you said you are still very young. 

Post # 15
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

This should be discussed early on though since you were 18ish when met I’d say it should have been discussed toward the end of your college careers. Me and my boyfriend met when we were 21 and discussed marriage timelines early on, by month 2. We were serious in our intention to date and wanted to make our goals clear. You say he is planning to propose so it sounds like hes on the right track. 

 

I will say I feel you on the proposal. My boyfriend told me in July he was definitely planning to propose, he received the ring in September. I’m just like “tick tock tick tock” but he said itll be in the next couple of months, hes planning something and I’m trying to let him have fun. But I have decided in my mind that if there isnt a proposal by the end of February, I will have a discussion with him because a guy sitting on an engagement ring for 6+ months is torture. My boyfriend over analyzes and plans to the point of redundancy and sometimes he needs to be told “perfection isnt necessary.”

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