(Closed) 6 months in and he wants out…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

He sounds really indecisive. I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum per se, but he needs to start being clear on his wants, and you shouldn’t allow him to keep going back and forth.

Post # 4
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

he sounds like he has no clue what he wants – and that’s an exhausting game to play with him.  I’d let him go for now, take some time apart. I think it’s complete bullshit he dragged his kid into the middle of it by taking him out of bed at 2 am – then came back the next day!  It’s one thing to play cat-n-mouse when it’s just 2 people involved, but to do that to a child – no, just no! 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this – it is confusing, exhausting, emotionally draining and totally sucks.   

Post # 5
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Wow… that must be incredibly frustrating and exhausting. I agree with the PP…. let him go. He obviously needs to get his sh*t straight. While he is figuring out what he wants, you need to focus on yourself and your kids. Stability and reliability are the names of the game. Give yourself what he clearly cannot give to you. Then, when he has his head screwed on straight (hopefully via his own individual counseling, because he clearly needs it), you two can re-start marriage counseling if he wants to work on things. But, unfortunately, you can’t fix him. He has to do that heavy lifting on his own.

Post # 6
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Where is he staying now?

Post # 7
5474 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.  He needs to realize you’re not a yo yo, this is not a roller coaster.

Post # 8
2418 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Yikes. It really sounds like he has NO idea what he wants. It isn’t fair to you or his son to be going back and forth like that.

I really have no advice but I am terribly sorry you are going through this. Thinking of you <3

Post # 9
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree with many of the other posters.  I think its great that you’re both going to counseling but until he can come home and stay home, he should just stay away.

This whenever it suits him crap is just cruel.

Post # 10
1841 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

To agree with @DaneLady:  “Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option…”

Change the locks; then he can’t just show up to hold you in the middle of the night.

Post # 11
40 posts

DON”T let him into the house. Trust me. You’re so easily accessible to him whenever he misses you that he will never realize your worth. 

He will string you along until he heals and moves on and you will be devastated. Change the locks, build your life and cry your eyes out if needed. But, move on with your life. If he realizes he really wants this to work out, he will come back strongly. Otherwise, you will have moved on

Post # 12
2051 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@soon2bnixon:  His sudden indecisive nature, popping in and out of the house at weird times, and blanketed, “I just don’t see us working” strikes me as though he is hiding something and can’t be truthful with you. Do you think he is going through a midlife crisis? Hate to ask, but do you think he is cheating on you? I hope you can resolve things in counseling. If you see consistent progress you might consider staying and riding this out, but I can’t see anyone putting up with that for long. Coming to you whenever he feels like showing you love is hard on you, never knowing if he’ll be there or not. You shouldn’t have to guess about that in your marriage, even if you do have disagreements. Good luck to you.

Post # 13
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I hate to say it, but I think he might have someone on the side. I’ve seen stuff like this before. They have a foot in both relationships–they dont 100% want to get a divorce, but they kinda want to be with the person on the side, so they waffle back and forth. Often they pick fights to gather “proof” that you shouldnt be together.

If it were me I’d say ask for a legal separation, but you are allowed to see other people, but  you still have to go through counselling. ANd ask him to not come over as often or at least call before he stops by (and sometimes say no when he wants to come over).

It sounds hard, but a friend and his wife did this. (He was the one that wanted to see others) It was really hard for her, but she believed in “if you love someone, let them go”. Plus they kept talking through counseling. After 6-8 months (and my friend actually had another girlfriend), he realized that he loved his wife and  all the “problems” that he was having with her, he was going to have with his wife (he was the issue, not her). 

I’m sorry you are going through this, but you cant force someone to stay. 

Post # 14
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

What a psycho! That sounds awful! Does he at least acknowledge he is torturing you??? I wouldn’t let him back in the house until he acts like a sane person. He completely destroyed the trust in your marriage. The poor kids!

Post # 15
1307 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

He’s 100% way too indecisive and I don’t think you should be at his beck and call for whenever he decides he’s good for counseling and when he feels like you guys can’t work out. I’d just tell him straight up “Listen, I want to be with you and I want things to work out- you need to make a decision. Either we go to counseling and you put 100% in to trying to make this work, no changing your mind every 5 seconds, or i’m done”. You don’t deserve to have your feelings pulled back and forth like that.

Post # 16
1984 posts
Buzzing bee

Tell him to man up….Sorry. But he also agreed to the marriage. He said the vows on his own accord. He needs to act like he meant what he said.

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