Post # 1
I am so confused and torn about my marriage. It has only been 6 months and my husband keeps telling me that he doesnt see how we’re going to make it. Last wknd we had a huge fight and he up and left (took his son out of bed) at 2 in the am. The next day we talked about the problem and he came back. All was well as far as I knew, on Tuesday he left for work as usual, kissed me good bye and said I love you. At 2pm on that day my husband called me at WORK to tell me that he doesnt want to be married anymore and packed his things and left. As you can imagine I was hesterical and devestated, especially considering we had just talked about giving our all in this marriage and things we wanted to change for us both.
After hours of talking he did decide on marriage counseling (which was already planned). We went and it didnt go to well. He and the counselor started going back and forth when he was told that he abanded his family and left like a coward. So he did agree to another counselor for later that week but said he refused to move back in. However, he finds a way to visit the house everyday for whatever reason. One day he came over just to take the trash out, another to watch OUR shows together, or just to be in my presence. One night he even came over just to “hold me” in the middle of the night.
So we go to the next marriage counseling session and it went really well. I was excited thinking we were moving forward on some issues and then he tells me that he no longer wants to go. Its only been a week since he left however he keeps telling me that his heart is telling him that we’re not going to work.
But yet he is at the house every single day!!!! I’m so confused and feel like I want to throw the towel in. I keep asking him what does he says either IDK or “i just dont see us working”. I love him and have been fighting hard from counseling, to praying, to trying to communicate but its like he has already mentally and emotionally checked out of our marriage.
I really need to know when to stop fighting. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Today I told him that he was to give me a final answer as to where he is because I can not allow him to continue to hurt me and my kids.
Post # 3
He sounds really indecisive. I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum per se, but he needs to start being clear on his wants, and you shouldn’t allow him to keep going back and forth.
Post # 4
he sounds like he has no clue what he wants – and that’s an exhausting game to play with him. I’d let him go for now, take some time apart. I think it’s complete bullshit he dragged his kid into the middle of it by taking him out of bed at 2 am – then came back the next day! It’s one thing to play cat-n-mouse when it’s just 2 people involved, but to do that to a child – no, just no!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this – it is confusing, exhausting, emotionally draining and totally sucks.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Wow… that must be incredibly frustrating and exhausting. I agree with the PP…. let him go. He obviously needs to get his sh*t straight. While he is figuring out what he wants, you need to focus on yourself and your kids. Stability and reliability are the names of the game. Give yourself what he clearly cannot give to you. Then, when he has his head screwed on straight (hopefully via his own individual counseling, because he clearly needs it), you two can re-start marriage counseling if he wants to work on things. But, unfortunately, you can’t fix him. He has to do that heavy lifting on his own.
Post # 7
Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option. He needs to realize you’re not a yo yo, this is not a roller coaster.
Post # 8
Yikes. It really sounds like he has NO idea what he wants. It isn’t fair to you or his son to be going back and forth like that.
I really have no advice but I am terribly sorry you are going through this. Thinking of you <3
Post # 9
I agree with many of the other posters. I think its great that you’re both going to counseling but until he can come home and stay home, he should just stay away.
This whenever it suits him crap is just cruel.
Post # 10
To agree with @DaneLady: “Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option…”
Change the locks; then he can’t just show up to hold you in the middle of the night.
Post # 11
DON”T let him into the house. Trust me. You’re so easily accessible to him whenever he misses you that he will never realize your worth.
He will string you along until he heals and moves on and you will be devastated. Change the locks, build your life and cry your eyes out if needed. But, move on with your life. If he realizes he really wants this to work out, he will come back strongly. Otherwise, you will have moved on
Post # 12
@soon2bnixon: His sudden indecisive nature, popping in and out of the house at weird times, and blanketed, “I just don’t see us working” strikes me as though he is hiding something and can’t be truthful with you. Do you think he is going through a midlife crisis? Hate to ask, but do you think he is cheating on you? I hope you can resolve things in counseling. If you see consistent progress you might consider staying and riding this out, but I can’t see anyone putting up with that for long. Coming to you whenever he feels like showing you love is hard on you, never knowing if he’ll be there or not. You shouldn’t have to guess about that in your marriage, even if you do have disagreements. Good luck to you.
Post # 13
I hate to say it, but I think he might have someone on the side. I’ve seen stuff like this before. They have a foot in both relationships–they dont 100% want to get a divorce, but they kinda want to be with the person on the side, so they waffle back and forth. Often they pick fights to gather “proof” that you shouldnt be together.
If it were me I’d say ask for a legal separation, but you are allowed to see other people, but you still have to go through counselling. ANd ask him to not come over as often or at least call before he stops by (and sometimes say no when he wants to come over).
It sounds hard, but a friend and his wife did this. (He was the one that wanted to see others) It was really hard for her, but she believed in “if you love someone, let them go”. Plus they kept talking through counseling. After 6-8 months (and my friend actually had another girlfriend), he realized that he loved his wife and all the “problems” that he was having with her, he was going to have with his wife (he was the issue, not her).
I’m sorry you are going through this, but you cant force someone to stay.
Post # 14
What a psycho! That sounds awful! Does he at least acknowledge he is torturing you??? I wouldn’t let him back in the house until he acts like a sane person. He completely destroyed the trust in your marriage. The poor kids!
Post # 15
He’s 100% way too indecisive and I don’t think you should be at his beck and call for whenever he decides he’s good for counseling and when he feels like you guys can’t work out. I’d just tell him straight up “Listen, I want to be with you and I want things to work out- you need to make a decision. Either we go to counseling and you put 100% in to trying to make this work, no changing your mind every 5 seconds, or i’m done”. You don’t deserve to have your feelings pulled back and forth like that.
Post # 16
Tell him to man up….Sorry. But he also agreed to the marriage. He said the vows on his own accord. He needs to act like he meant what he said.