(Closed) 6 months in and I don’t know what to do

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think when he would rather look at porn than actually be with you, or when it gets in the way of your sex life, there is a problem.  I would tell him how much this hurts you and try to go to some counselling as a couple, or maybe even separately.

Post # 4
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It sounds like he might have an addiction to the porn, especially if there is a real woman in a sexy outfit right there!!!  I would talk to him about it and ask why he chooses the computer.

Post # 5
Member
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m so sorry you are struggling and going through this!

This type of behavior is unacceptable and is more than a silly little guys habit. Now that you are in a marriage there needs to be respect, which your husband is clearly lacking. I’m not sure what you vowed but most people promise exclusive, unending love. Ignoring you for video footage and images of other women for sexual satisfaction is a complete violation.

This is something that you canno’t fix with begging or pleading, he needs some serious help ( addiction groups, therapy, pastoral counseling , etc) and a re-evaluation of his desires for his life & future.

its not your fault or your sons or anything to do with you body.

You deserve so much better.

Post # 6
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

your son is so cute!! had to say that first of all ….

maybe he feels tired or unable to ‘perform’ so to say??  but yes id definitley talk to him about it

good luck with it all xx

Post # 7
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Gosh I’m so sorry. I think it’s time to have a very serious conversation with him. Not one where he can just laugh it off and move on. Perhaps, seeking some help from a specialist on how to communicate this to him would benefit you. It sounds as though he may have an addiction and perhaps a small intervention is needed.  Don’t feel embarassed to seek out a counselor. This is a growing problem in many households. It’s time to get the focus back on you or perhaps it’s time to move on.

Post # 9
Member
4546 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with the other Bees. When porn gets in the way of your relationship and he’s choosing porn over you, it’s time to get some counseling and figure out if there’s an addiction or something else going on. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but your baby is ridiculously adorable!! 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

If he is watching it to the extent that it is negatively affecting your marriage, then he needs to seek help. Don’t let him laugh it off, make him listen to what you have to say and how you feel. It’s not anything you did. He sounds like he either has “performance” anxiety or has an addiction. Either way, he needs to get help.

Post # 11
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am having a similar problem. I have only been married now for two months. We lived together for a year before getting married and a year before that apart. My husband was always very in to me when we first started dating up to when I moved in. I knew when I moved in it would change things a bit since we would see each other everyday and have to learn to live with each other and between us we have three kids who also had to adjust. I feel like we did really well even though there have been a few times before we got married that sex was far and few unlike when we didn’t live together it was all the time. He was so sweet would tell me he was so in love with me and how sexy and beautiful I was. Once i moved in some of the sweetness stopped and now that were married it’s gone. I have a hard time getting him to want sex and when I start things he doesn’t seem excited like he use to and if I get him to have sex it’s just mediocre at best. He use to be so great at it. I don’t know whats gotten in to him. I would think that he’s cheating except that he only has time to go to work and come home so I don’t know when that would happen. Plus the guilt would eat him alive. He was married before and so was I and we were both cheated on so he knows how that felt and we’ve had lots of talks about that topic so I don’t think that he’s cheating. He use to watch porn about once a week when we didn’t live together but not since I moved in a year ago that I have seen. He has gone on work trips and watched it while away. It doesn’t make me happy but it is what it is. I use to think that he treated me better after watching it as if he needs to get a “break” from me. So the other night as I had been thinking it he actually says to me ” I don’t know what’s with my sex drive lately”, ” maybe it’s working out and eating rountine” but he always works out and all and then he said maybe it’s stress. But wouldn’t having sex help relieve stress and what stress…..I think that’s just an excuse. When I brought it up again today he said he feels he’s getting better….I don’t see it and yeah its stress he says. We’ve been together for 2 1/2 years and through wedding planning and a wedding so I’m sure he’s been stressed before but he’s never acted this way- this distant. He spends a lot of time at night texting his group friends and not paying attention to me. This is a new group chat they found. So they talk all night long. He laughs and never tells me what they are talking about. It is really bothering me and when I bring that up he doesn’t seem to care. His friends all live in another state then us long time group of friends but he goes home once every two months to see them and his family. I don’t know if he’s cheating, is tired of just looking at my body and getting board and needs porn, or is just the kind of person who needs space and breaks from me in order to miss me and appreciate me. But I am not that kind of person I enjoy every minute with him. It’s very sad. I don’t know what to do. What do you think.

Post # 12
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I have a guy friend who was like this with his ex! He told me all about it while they were together…this probably isn’t what you want to hear but it’s the only perspective I have on the situation. 

He said sex with her was really boring, that she was lazy and he had to do ‘all the work’.  He said at that point it was just easier and more convenient to watch porn.  She ended up breaking up with him over it and talking crap about how he was ‘gay’ and didn’t even want to touch a ‘real woman’. 

I obviously don’t know your situation, but do you think it’s possible it’s just your husband being…lazy? lol. 

 

Post # 13
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

If he is watching porn daily or multiple times through the day then he has a problem. Porn addiction is VERY prevelant today and is very destructive… it’s not good for your marriage and it’s not good for perspective in how you’re going to raise kids either (yes, the outlook effects everything)

I would have a serious talk about it and the determent it’s causing your marriage ALREADY. It really doesn’t matter whether he thinks it’s a problem or not.. truth is it’s a problem for you and so that makes it a problem for him. Make clear that you love him and are not trying to just come down on him but that you need him to be engaged again and that you’re worried about his outlet. His concern needs to be with you HEART and not the outside “control” or anyting like that.. this is a HEART issues and heart issues should never ben taken lightly.

Porn addiction is just like any other addiction and is incredibly hard to overcome considering it puts off the same endorphins as cocaine use.. and especially with it so easy to access.. I mean all you have to have is a smart phone these days and there ya go.

Make it clear that something HAS to change and it’s not just b/c you’re controlling or wrongly insecure BUT b/c that intimacy HAS to be restored between the two of you. Do whatever is needed to make it possible.. if that means he finds counseling, you find counseling, get rid of your inernet, ANYTHING… it’s like this.. when I was with my ex- I didn’t drink alcohol b/c he’s an alcoholic and me inconveniencing myself was WORTH helping him. Don’t think anything is too drastic if it can help restore your marriage b/c it’s not and in the end it’s worth it.

Goodluck & ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) You are wonderful, beautiful, and worth so much!

Post # 16
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I know that Fiance watches porn sometimes but it’s not to this extent.

My suggestion though is something Fiance has said to me before….try to make it more spontaneous….he didn’t always want to know when it was going to happen…i.e when it was time for bed.

He wanted me to start things and be more adventerous like having sex in the living room or starting things when he wouldn’t be expecting them and then go to the bedroom.

For him it got boring and he didn’t feel as though I wanted HIM as much because he was kinda bored.

Now, he didn’t turn to porn or stop having sex with me, so for that I am so sorry you are dealing with it.

But, maybe try to have it be less expected and see if that helps as well as making him listen to you about your concerns with his porn watching.

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