6 months married…. and don't know if I can do it anymore.

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Your husband doesnʻt have what it takes to make a partnership work, sorry. Youʻre lighting yourself on fire to keep him warm so you need to sit him down and tell him “I am not happy, something has to change”, and give him that chance. If he doesnʻt show any sign or effort, then start figuring out how to get out. You deserve so much more than being dismissed daily. Iʻve been there so many times and it is never worth lighting yourself on fire to keep warm. 

Post # 3
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Hugs Bee, I know this is so hard. But I think you already know what you need to do. You’re just having difficulty confronting the reality of it. 

This isn’t the right relationship for you. The two of you are essentially roommates, and without benefits of any kind. He doesn’t even care to listen to what you have to say. Even if you’re willing to work on the myriad of issues here, if he’s not… there’s absolutely no point in continuing to run headfirst into a wall just to try for the sake of trying. He’s simply not receptive. 

Don’t threaten with divorce. All that will accomplish is hurt feelings and him straightening up for a week before going back to the way he is now. When you get your courage and affairs together, file the paperwork. Two years from now, you’ll be so happy you did. 

Post # 4
Member
2244 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I would definitely look into marriage counseling. It has to be cheaper than a divorce. 

Post # 5
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
elevenses246 :  I’m so sorry Bee. That all sounds really rough. 

It sounds like you’ve talked to your husband multiple times about this issue. And it sounds like he hasn’t done anything. I know everyone says this, but have you tried therapy? Also, what kind of job does your husband do? Is he super stressed? Is he depressed? How long has he been like this. 

I would honestly bring up the story of the guard with your husband. Tell him that there was someone at work you were chatting with and it felt so good to actually have a conversation and feel appreciated. That should be a wake up call. A husband should always listen to his wife and want to talk to her. 

It can’t hurt so I would ask him what he prefers you do. Is he bottling something up with you? Does he feel listened to? There’s two sides to every story and it’s possible he’s hurting over something. 

Post # 6
Member
2108 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I can relate to an extent bee, Me and D.H. too have struggled with communication over the years, but we always also have been able to sit down and face to face talk it through and work on it over the years. We still have our moments, but were human we aint always going to think the same, etc. 

you need to really pull him aside with zero distractions and talk to him, maybe over dinner or breakfast when he isnt focused on other things. Be bluntly honest with him, and if hes wanting to shrug it off and hide in his room, maybe it might be time to reconsider your future with him. 

I wouldnt mention counseling right off that bat, cause that might make him shut down even more, especially if its out of the blue for him. But you two definitely need to sit down and have an adult conversation. 

Post # 7
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

Well, first off you need to talk to him. Tell him you feel alone, you don’t feel heard, and you don’t feel loved or cared for in a deep way.  And then also tell him how you want to fix it.

If you can’t afford marriage counseling, get some relationship help books.  Maybe start with something like “The Power of Two” or something else that has a workbook you can use along side it. Try setting aside a time every day for you guys to come together, like always eating dinner together without distractions. Get a book of questions that you can ask each other to get the conversation started. 

You guys can learn how to talk to each other again, I can’t imagine it’s been like this the whole 4.5 years you’ve been together otherwise you wouldn’t have been able to build your relationship. Sometimes it’s easy to get complacent and take our loved ones for granted, we just need to be more intentional about our time and attention. 

Post # 8
Member
1217 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

It kind of sounds like you’re having cold feet after instead of before. If you can’t afford therapy, you definitely need to sit down and talk to your husband at the very least. Sit down without the tv on, no phones, not walking the dog, just focusing on each other and have a frank conversation. Get all your thoughts together before you sit down so that you’re not overly emotional. Tell him that you feel like you’re not heard and that you’re not spending any quality time together. It sounds like your “love language” might be quality time, so that’s really important to you. (Read the 5 Love Languages book and get your husband to read it too). Make it clear that you need him to make an effort to spend time with you because you’re feeling disconnectedand it’s impacting all areas of your relationship. If you have this conversation and he still doesn’t make an effort to spend less time gaming, then you have your answer.

As far as his drive goes, I don’t think you can make people have more ambition. That’s just how he’s programmed so you either have to accept it or move on from him.

Post # 9
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

View original reply
elevenses246 :  All of these issues in your relationship sound like they can be worked through, but the biggest issue is the internal one you’re having with yourself. It sounds like you have some hangups from your last relationship that haven’t been resolved. I would get yourself into therapy and try to figure out why, only now after you got married, you all of a sudden feel unfulfilled in your relationship. You also need to be really careful about seeking external validation from other men instead of focusing inward on these issues. 

Post # 10
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

First, I’m so sorry you’re experiencing all of this. Is your husbands behavior now the same as it was before marriage? I know you said you bought a house together- were you cohabitating prior to the wedding? The example you gave about the guard is actually a really powerful one. A lot of people out there get those sorts of reactions (like from the guard) from their partner. And that’s how it should be! That said, a lot are in a situation similar to yours. To feel alone in a brand new marriage says a lot about your partner. I don’t have any good advice except for this: Do you see him correcting his behavior to a place that will make you actually happy or do you believe it will always be like this/worse? 

If your answer is the former, you can absolutely work through this without therapy. Sure, nothing is easy, but if he is receptive and willing, you can do it. That’s a big dependent though- IF. It’s hard to change people if their behavior is a part of their fabric, but if he’s in some sort of rut this could be a wake up call or sorts for him to make him spring into action. 

Post # 11
Bee
5254 posts
Bee Keeper

Get out now before you get pregnant. Take the dog. I know I could never live with a gamer; in so many cases it becomes a socially acceptable addiction.

Post # 12
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee

  elevenses246 :   it sounds you honestly  don’t like your husband. Not the person he is. Why did you marry him, and now you are expecting him to be different, and let down that he is not? 

Hey I understand those things being a problem

 But you chose him! I would not choose that. But hey that is me. 

You also sound disappointed in him, ike he isn’t good enough for you unless he becomes someone else. 

I think you need to do some soul searching

 It sounds like you are reaching for something or someone different. 

Post # 13
Member
2677 posts
Sugar bee

If he’s this ambivalent about your relationship and his own life while you’re young newlyweds, think how complacent he may get a few years down the line when he’s more ‘comfortable’.

You have different life goals and values, and you don’t communicate. Those are some of the major cornerstones of a lasting, fulfilling relationship. I would address this head on now, before more intertwined assets and even babies make things more complicated.

Tell him things have to change or you’re going. If he won’t put any work into it, leave. 

Post # 14
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

View original reply
elevenses246 :  just for comparison, my husband will shut a video game off to put on a show we both mutually enjoy in order to spend time with me…with 0 prompting from me. 

Get a divorce and stop giving your best years to a sloth. It’s not your job to fix him. You have no kids. He’s content with mediocrity.

To the person who said “counseling must be cheaper than divorce” that is the worst advice I have ever heard. So she should stay and waste more of her time? No.

Post # 15
Member
2634 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
elevenses246 :  I’m not saying you should stay in this marriage, but I think you owe it to yourself and to him to at least TRY and talk about this. Sit him down, turn off the games, tell him how you’ve been feeling and lay it all out there. After being together for as long as you have, have you never been able to communicate or have a serious conversation?

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors