- 2 years ago
My husband and I dated for 4.5 years prior to getting engaged. It didn’t come without our problems, but I thought for the most part we were content. We bought a house and a dog together. Engagement felt like a natural next step. A year after getting engaged, we got married.
To preface this, I was stuck in a relationship with a guy for 2 years who was utterly controlling to the point where I felt like I couldn’t see my friends or even just talk to my guy friends. He would check my phone and lose his shit if a guy friend texted “whats up?.” It was absolutely ridiculous. So when I met my now husband, I felt so happy because I felt free to go out with friends and guy friends and not get constantly accused of cheating. It was refreshing. Looking back, I wonder if part of me just settled because he wasn’t a psycho, and I have this ridiculous fear of being alone. Anyways…
Everyone has been telling me that this is “the happiest time of my life” and “newlywed life is amazing!” but I have felt such a wretching emptiness and I just want to leave. Since getting married, all of our problems have hit me in the face with no resolve. Our biggest issue is communication, hands down. We don’t talk, and when I try to tell him something about my day I feel shut down or not listened to. I get basically a “uh huh” and thats where it ends. I’ve tried to address this issue countless times but it goes nowhere. I feel like he cares more about sports on TV or video games, which is literally all he does after working. I don’t care if he wants to do either of those things, but now that it’s the only thing he ever does it has driven a wedge in our relationship. He can spend 12 hours gaming with absolutely no problem. I feel like when I’m doing my 12 hour shifts our dog gets neglected (like no walks or playing or anything) because he’s too busy gaming.
Speaking of work, I’m a nurse in the process of obtaining my degree. I don’t plan on stopping there, I plan to get my masters. I feel like career wise I’m highly motivated and driven. He’s been stuck in an entry level dead end job that he’s unhappy in, yet makes zero effort to change. I have even tried helping him tailor his resume and find jobs, but he brushes it off like its nothing. It’s frustrating and part of me just wants someone with drive and motivation in life. He has none. As awful as this sounds, I envy my friends and coworkers who have husbands who are cops, fireman, managers, you name it- guys who are actually motivated and worked hard to get themselves a good job. I would be more supportive if it was something that actually made him happy, but he’s miserable every single day. I know that’s not helping our relationship either.
Now, I know I’m going to get a ton of criticism for this and that’s okay, I just want to be completely honest. Some time ago at work, we had a patient come in from the penitentiary who required guards at his bedside at all times. One of the guards was super friendly and we spent most of my 12 hour shift talking. We’d talk about work, how I’m obtaining my degree and he’s working on obtaining his in criminology, and a lot of different things. Were we flirting a bit? Honestly, yes. But honestly I forgot how amazing it felt to actually feel listened to. When I came home from my shift and tried to tell my husband about my day, I got the same “uh huh” and he went upstairs to his gaming room and that was that. As a side note, I’m not romanticizing the guard or looking to leave my relationship for him. It just hurts that my own husband doesn’t care to listen to me as well as this stranger does.
I don’t know what to do. I’m miserable and have never felt more alone. I don’t even feel remotely attracted to him anymore and of course the emotional stuff has severely impacted anything physical in our relationship. Like I just don’t want it anymore. I should have addressed these issues before getting married but instead got too caught up in having an amazing wedding and romanticizing married life. Reality hit me in the face. I don’t even know how to bring up to him that I’m unhappy, although I’m sure he senses it. Marriage counselling is extremely expensive here and I don’t know if we can afford it. I don’t know what else to do and feel lost.
Thanks for listening. I truly do not know where to go from here.