6 weeks to marry my foreign fiance – HELP PLS!

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

The things you mentioned are cultural differences. Do you have other concerns about marrying him?

Post # 3
Member
5773 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Have you thought about marrying him and living in India? That would be a bigger adjustment for you, but more at home for him. In the past, how long have you spent with him on your visits? Ultimately, you have four more years until you are free to live wherever you choose (provided, of course, that you can provide your child with a ticket to come to where you are during the summers during college), and the two of you could live in India instead of the US. I agree that it may be cultural differences that are changing things. Otherwise, I fear that perhaps you don’t actually know one another well enough and that could create an issue, too. Only you know what’s really the issue. 

Post # 4
Member
731 posts
Busy bee

So I know quite a few people that married guys from Pakistan. All of them came on spouse visas and were able to work immediately so I’m not familiar with those issues however, they all had to adjust to the new lifestyle. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving, grocery shopping is all VERY different in America compared to India Pakistan and such countries. If he has the motivation and puts in the effort to adjust to the new changes, then I think you’ll be alright assuming these are your only concerns. Adjusting to the lifestyle here is easier than vice versa in most situations involving America and Pakistan/India. I know at least 9 guys off the top of my head who moved here to marry and those marriages are successful so far and they’ve adjusted. 

 

ETA- in the 1.5 months that he’s been here, has he adjusted to anything? Learned to use your washer and dryer? Learned to cook on an electric stove? 

Post # 6
Member
731 posts
Busy bee

Okay yeah I see why you’re concerned. He needs to be putting in legitimate effort to adjust. For how long is he gonna rely on you? At 34 he might be set in his ways but he’s still plenty young to adjust if he has the desire to do so. 

Post # 7
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

lovinglife18 :  If those are your only concerns, it sounds like you can work through it UNLESS he’s refusing to learn. But if he’s just overwhelmed or confused, I’d keep working on things with him. Plan to teach him one new thing a week (or until he masters it). Write down instructions for him by whatever machine (washer, coffee maker, etc) that he can refer back to. 

In the meantime, let him do easy things you think he can handle. Collect all trash & take it out, sweep inside & outside, dust, wipe counters, etc. Some of his frustration may be coming from him feeling like he can’t figure things out & help you, and he’s feeling like less of a man because of it. And I’m sure he’s picking up on your frustration, too. 

I know it’s not easy, but try to take a step back and realize he hasn’t experienced these things before. 

Post # 9
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

lovinglife18 :  only you know if it’s right to continue on with marriage. If I were in your exact shoes, I’d probably give it a few more weeks to make sure he’s not just being a man-child, but was genuinely frustrated/overwhelmed. But if he’s refusing to learn these things, that would make me think twice.

Post # 11
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee

He seems dedicated to you but struggling to figure things out. I’ve lived in five different countries, and I can totally sympathise with feeling lost at first. It’s a huge transition for him! I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s also affecting his mental health (especially sense of self-worth and purpose). 

I agree with previous posters – give him stuff he can manage for the time being. Right now he’s facing a gazillion new things and trying to learn them all at once, which means that he’s not learning anything quickly. Are there also things that he can do to make him feel more at home? Next time you’re in a major city, it might be worth going to an Indian grocer and stocking up on staples so that he can cook the way he knows how.  

Right now, he needs you to be on his side. He needs love, comfort and encouragement. 

Post # 12
Member
347 posts
Helper bee

He mde a lot of mistakes in the first couple of weeks. He was probably frustrated, just as you were. Did you have any arguments over it? It sounds like he may be afraid of making more mistakes or upset you. Could it be the reason he’s hesitant to try?

Post # 13
Member
19 posts
Newbee

lovinglife18 :  been in a somewhat similar position without the intense time pressure to marry (a big part of it for you), and it took 4-5 months to be able to handle life inside the house without many issues (laundry, cooking appliances, etc.) and then probably at least a year to get comfortable navigating things outside of the house without help (had to learn a new language from zero though, so that was probably part of it). Is your relationship solid otherwise? Do you trust him to keep trying until he succeeds? Do you have the patience to support him through this? It is possible for him to adjust but right now he needs your patience and understanding. Also keep in mind the more independent and successful he was in India the harder it might hit him that he feels helpless here. Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
10989 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Are you saying that before this you’ve only met in person over the course of five trips to India, where he’s from and two on vacation to Dubai? 

If so, then in my view you don’t know him well enough to marry him no matter how many years it’s been. 

Post # 15
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

lovinglife18 :  it’s very hard that you live in a rural area. Is there any online “new Indian immigrant group” that he can join? 34 isn’t too old to start new, but people need support and info. 

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