6 weeks to marry my foreign fiance – HELP PLS!

posted 11 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
12219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I see your earlier post with the timeline. All together the time you have spent in person is under a year. Except for one trip you were almost always on a vacation timeframe with no time to really get into a routine of daily life or see issues relevant to marriage.

Can a year in one place be enough to really get to know another person? Even with everything in your favor, the first year of any relationship is typically on a “high.” Add to that the cultural differences and your current doubts and concerns  and I would still say you are in no position to marry right now. 

Post # 17
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I moved from Europe to Africa and then got married here a couple of years later. Different circumstances but similarities in terms of cultural adaptation. 

It’s hard to do life in a different country, especially with such big differences. Even buying bread is different. Going  to the doctor is different. Getting around is different. Adapting takes time but if he wants to he’ll be able to do it. Did he cook in India? As someone suggested you could try and get ingredients that are familiar to him. Is he allowed to do voluntary work?

Post # 18
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Hi Bee!

I’m also going to marry a foreign fiance next March. He’s Mexican, I’m Swiss. We had a long distance relationship for 2 1/2 years, the time it took me to finish my master’s degree in Switzerland. But it was clear to the two of us that we have to move together. So 3 years ago I moved to Mexico, because I really wanted to see how daily life works out for us.

During the time of our longdistance relationship we were able to visit each other several times and for several weeks. And when he came to visit me here, our roles in the relationship changed. He doesn’t speak the language, doesn’t know how things work etc. And when he came to my apartment it also felt like kind of an intrusion. You have your routine, your friends etc. and suddenly he’s mixing it up completely and on top of that you also feel kind of responsible for him. Now we’re planning to come to Europe in summer and I’m freaking out a bit too.

The tips I can give you is, that you have to be aware, that the first year or two are going to be difficult. That you’ll have to show him a lot of things, which could make you feel like if you weren’t on the same level. I think it really depends on your mindset and being conscious that it’s not because he’s stupid or not able to. It’s just completely different than being together with a person from the same country. But as you stated he had his stable life in India and was willing to give it all up, despite the fact that for him too it feels like beginning from zero.

I think being aware of all those things and the fact that it’s not fun at the beginning, is most important.

And trust me, there are times, when I think that everything would have been so much easier would I’ve fallen in love with some one from my own country and this is totally normal. Because of my situation and people I get to know though, I see a lot of different outcomes and situations of couples having a partner from abroad. So I think just anything is possible, as with every other couple being from the same place. But one thing is for sure, if you never try it, you’ll never know. I understand that because of those visa things and stuff, we have to take some decisions earlier in a relationship than other couples, e.g. giving things up for the partner or decide to marry someone. So it’s important to be comitted.

As long as you work as a team, having the same goals in mind and both of you are willing to compromise and communicate, you can do it!

Post # 19
848 posts
Busy bee

lovinglife18 :  I think you should focus on his willingness and capacity to learn and work through things as a couple. Also, have you considered moving to a larger city? There may be a small Indian population which would be helpful and could take public transportation to work. What does he plan to do for work? What did he do back in India?

Post # 20
1134 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

Uprooting one’s life is NEVER easy. For you, using an electric stove, a coffee maker, etc, is super simple. For him, it is a new, intimidating world. It takes some time to adapt, and having someone frustrated breathing down one’s neck makes things even harder. There’s grief when someone leaves their country behind. There’s sadness. There is helplessness. You might never understand it unless you go through it yourself.

I’m speaking from experience. I’m Brazilian. I used to work as a professor and I ran my own house like a boss.

Now I’m in the US, waiting for a work permit for 5 months (buckle up, the wait can take up to 6), unable to work, missing home – missing the familiarity of brands, textures, appliances, smells, everything!

I had to learn how to use the electric stove, the dishwasher, the washing machine, the drier, the coffee maker, the microwave, the rice maker. Every time, my mother-in-law or my husband explained things to me incredibly patiently and lovingly. I still felt overwhelmed and sometimes inferior. I rationalize those feelings and get over them. 

The difference is that my support system here is strong. And that makes me want to learn things, and do things right, and to do my best.

The immigration process is incredibly tough on the couple, but especially on the immigrant, who let go of his/her life and comfort zone. If you only love your fiancé when skies are blue, I’m sorry to break it to you, it’s not love. It’s infatuation, and it’s short lived.

That being said, I understand your frustration. You wanted someone to fit right in your world. Cultural differences are very hard to navigate at first. Try to put yourself in his shoes, and then have a heartfelt conversation with him. Don’t accuse him of things. Tell him what you need from him and ask him to tell you what he needs from you.

Good luck!

Post # 21
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

lifetimegoals :  well said and spot on! 

Op, you need to diffentiate your relationship from your frustration. Do you think you need more time with your partner to make sure they are the one? There’s nothing wrong with that and you should do that. If your relationship is strong enough to endure another 2+yrs of long distance I think you’ll know your answer. 

If it’s just dealing with cultural frustrations then you need to put yourself in his shoes, it’s a huge adjustment in a very short amount of time plus the stress and huge life changing commitment of marriage will make anyone do a double take even in the best of situations.

And for the record I know a girl who is getting married soon and she doesn’t even know how to do her own laundry or cook anything-this girl has lived in the US her entire life so no exuses of not knowing how etc. Her parents do it all for her… *face-palm* lol

Post # 23
1134 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

It’s hard, but I don’t think it’s supposed to be THIS hard. I think it might be your gut telling you not to do this.

Some other considerations:

1- you say “it’s always been me for him”, but it has to be HIM for YOU as well. Is it?

2- him being a lovely person who is adored by your friends and family is not enough reason for you to marry him.

3- Neither is guilt. You seem to have fallen out of love with this guy.

It’s time for some deep soul searching. 

I’m sorry, bee. :/

Post # 25
3382 posts
Sugar bee

I also think your gut it telling you to run. Listen to it.

Post # 26
3382 posts
Sugar bee

Also, there is something nagging me about his behavior. I get not being able to change oil, but not learning how to pump gas or turn on an oven after 6 weeks makes me think he isn’t willing to learn and is perfectly happy for you to take care of him. Forever.

Post # 27
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Sorry you’re going through such a rough patch, bee. It sounds like you were excited and fallen in love with the fantasy of him moving here, and now that he’s here, you’re not sure if you actually love “him.” Are you holding onto him because you’re afraid of not able to find another partner or someone better?

Also, I believe that one of the things you were attracted to him was him taking care of you in India, but now that he’s in the US, you have to be the caretaker, and thus, possibly making you less attracted to him.

I wouldn’t marry this hastily…take some time and explore your own feelings. Sorry bee. Sending lots of hugs.

Post # 28
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

lovinglife18 :  Have you considered him getting a few cooking classes, take classes in money management, drivers ed ed or some other type of classes that can assist him in adjusting? He can take classes at a community college for some basic things like learning how to use a computer. I don’t know how it would work for him though. I think there are things that can be done to help him adjust it’s just going to take some time. Maybe watching some you tube videos or something can help him. 

Post # 29
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I just don’t think it is a good idea to marry someone you’ve hardly spent any time with and the things you are worried about are big things. The things you are noticing are the things people notice when they know in their gut there is something wrong. It just seems like you are kind of forcing things. And it seems like he might not be trying. If he is good with computers, he should be capable of learning an oven and coffee maker in six weeks. But maybe he is just overwhelmed. Regardless, you don’t want to enter a marriage as a mother figure. He really needs to be able to stand on his own a bit more before he is marriage material in my opinion. You just don’t know him in your context. 

It’s okay to back out.

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