Thanks everyone for your input, I really appreciate it.
I’ll try to answer a few of the questions/statements that came up…
When all the issues/mishaps happened…I didn’t yell or freak out at all…except when he locked us out of the house in below freezing temps… I kind of freaked out in the first 2 minutes, then calmed down and apologized to him. I was just a bit taken back as to why he would lock the door when we just came out the back door into the backyard…
He speaks perfect English and has no issues communicating there, although he is still learning what things are called here and what terms are used in our area as opposed to the English he was used to using and calling things. We don’t have a hose in the bathroom – so that was traumatic. I ordered one for him for Christmas and installed it myself while he watching awe that I was able to do plumbing…lol. But he was quite happy to have a hose after that.
He cooks and eats VERY spicy everything. I did tell him to bring the necessary spices as we do not have an Indian grocery near us. So he did just that and has what he needs to cook his “home foods”. I also ordered a few things online to help. I have an electric instant pot – he wanted an old fashioned pressure cooker. We tried the instant pot (it was horrible for him) So I ordered the pressure cooker he was used to on amazon…and things are fine for now. I am really trying to accommodate where I can (within reason of course). He also wants rice with every meal…and I could quite possibly be content to never have rice again…ever in my life… 😉
The oven is a new thing as well, he was quite excited to use it and make pizza (most ppl in India do not have ovens) So I have written very detailed instructions (with pictures) on how to use the oven and he is still unsure, so each and every time I use it. I ask him to come and do it, and watch him go through the steps…so hopefully he will be more confident in himself as well.
I am not aware of any new immigrant groups in my area, but I will definitely try to search and find out. I live in town of about 5,000, with approximately 3 to 5 people that are not white. So I will have to dig and see about the surrounding towns too. (That’s a great idea btw…thank you!)
As far as moving to another city – that would uproot my child AND likely cause all kinds of grief with his father, so if at all possible. We will be staying where we are. We are very settled here (for now) and I have my home that I paid off a couple years back, so that’s a huge help while he cannot work. If we relocate housing would be an added expense/stress we don’t need at the moment.
And yes, he did cook in India…although not much, as food is so readily available and cheap there, as well as on every corner and if not, they deliver it to you within minutes. Here the only option we have to get food delivered is Pizza Hut…sadly.
I cannot relocate, because I cannot/will not leave my child – and he totally understands and loves my child. When we met my child was 4 and now just turned 14, so they are close as well and get along well also. No issues there.
He has always done computer work and plans to do that once he gets his work permit, which is roughly 4 to 6 months AFTER we marry and file the required paperwork and pay the fees for the work permit. IF we had married before he came (in Dubai, as his country wasn’t an option since he was living in Dubai) he would have come on a spouse visa and been able to work once he arrived, but that would have required more time in Dubai (which I couldn’t do with my child’s school schedule and the added expense of having to stay in a hotel in Dubai.) When we stayed for the 6 months in India we had our own apartment which was much more affordable and easier to do than Dubai (the laws in Dubai are quite strict about things like that if you’re not married.)
He is not very “handy” so to speak…if its not related to computers…he’s not able to do it, at least not yet. I on the other hand grew up doing handy things, small jobs, like small plumbing, electric, car repairs, etc. We didn’t call a repairman every time something needed done. So I am the one doing here as well, he doesn’t know how to pump gas, so I am. He doesn’t know how to check the oil in a car, so I am. The hose install I did – and he seems fine letting me do it. I am not sure how I feel about this part, I would like him to at least try or show some interest in these things. BUT I know in India they call someone to do each and every little thing, because labor is cheap there…here it isn’t.
More of my ramblings and thoughts on things….
Part of me has started to think we drifted apart during the past 10 years and we got caught up in the excitement that has led us to where we are now…him here on a fiance visa. But at the same time, I DO love him and feel incredibly sad at the thought of him going back and waiting another 2+ years to be together again – especially as hard as we worked to get this far. He would have to start all over again, and that too in India…since he gave up his work visa for Dubai. So it would be a struggle for him. He does IT work, and as most of you probably know the Indian continent is saturated with IT professionals, so you really have to slog to get in somewhere good.
I really can relate to what bellabelle12 said (so thank you!) I DO feel like its somewhat of an intrusion and I was feeling REALLY guilty about that. So I appreciate you bringing that up! I will definitely try to be more aware and pay attention to this, as this is his home now too.
The last few days were rough, as in I was noticing every little detail….like, has he always chewed like that? So loud!?, what is he wearing? what is he eating? why is he folding the clothes like that? did he really just use my good towels for the floor? has he always been this much shorter than me? (YES! I know its insane and sounds bratty! But its been tense to say the least…) So I think I really need to work on that. He IS incredibly SWEET and caring and genuinely the best guy I know. He would do anything for me. Anything. And my past relationships (tho few) have been horrible and left me wondering if love would find me. So much so when I first met him 10 yrs ago, I told him I was not a good match for him and to find someone his own age/culture. This went on for a few years and he never did. He kept saying its always been me for him.
We have spent a good amount of time together in person (esp to be on opposite sides of the continent), I think living with someone for 6 months isn’t anything to sneeze at, BUT he was going to office and we had time apart. And now we dont! He is with me 24/7. I am a substitute teacher and also do web design part time from home, so I took time off from teaching when he arrived to help him adjust/acclimate to everything new. Ideally he would have come visit us here before the fiance visa and we really tried. He applied TWICE but was denied both times for “lack of strong times to his home country”. So this was our only option unless we wanted to wait until my child went off to college, and even then I am not sure I would want to be a whole world away, in case something came up there.
I am also 6 years older than he is and much more responsible financially. I have saved and have assets (home, cars, retirement account, etc., he has nothing except a plot of land he just bought in India (in an effort to prove strong ties for his visa…is what he told me.) But now we have that payment to make as well, so it feels a little tense. He is the youngest of 2 boys, and his older brother is married with children, so his parents care also falls to him since he doesn’t have the same responsibility.
My biggest fear is WHAT IF we just aren’t meant to be and these gut feelings I have are right? And I ignore them? BUT also what if, these are just normal nerves and I mess up the best thing I have ever had? Change has ALWAYS been so hard for me. I am a total planner, I NEED to know what is happening and what to expect. I have never been a risk taker and I have really prayed about this and am still struggling to let it go and let God guide me.
My best friend met him once he came and she totally adores him, and thinks he is the sweetest, cutest thing ever (that is huge for her!) Also, my mom likes him (another strange thing! She rarely likes anyone I introduce…friend or otherwise…lol, she’s tough!) So I am trying to take their thoughts/opinions into consideration as well – as they both want the very best for me and want me to be happy.
SabL22– I am really not sure? I don’t know how you know? Maybe that’s a dumb question/thought to have?