(Closed) 6 weeks until our 4th Anniversary

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Ok… you guys live together, he has you, you both already have your children, he is comfortable so why would he want to change anything? Especially if it is going to mean spending more money?

Personally I would have left way before reaching the 4 year mark but since you have so much invested in this relationship already if it does reach the 4 year mark and he doesn’t pop the question then I think you should CALMLY and I mean very calmly tell him everything that you just told us on your post. But the important thing is that when you do that you cannot let it turn into a fight/arguement before you go into the conversation you need to commit to not being emotional. If you get emotional it might turn into an arguement and if that happens he will just think that “if she nags me and argues with me now whats it going to be like if I marry her?” Just tell him that if after 4 years he still can’t make a commitment to you then maybe the 2 of you don’t want the same things and that you would like to have the chance to someone else who does.

Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh. Good luck I really hope you get engaged.  

Post # 4
Member
3304 posts
Sugar bee

I am so sorry- according to what you have written, it doesn’t sound like he even wants marriage with you. You first need to come to a final conclusion on how you feel- will you walk away if he doesn’t propose or at least make some sort of movement? Can you deal with not being with him if he is unable to commit? Once you have it settled in your heart about what you will do, then you need to sit down and talk to him about it.
“Honey, I love you so much and I am a bit disappointed that we haven’t at least gotten engaged by now (given our age and children here). I am looking to be married and hopefully with you but I don’t want you to feel pressured. If this is not at all what you want, please let me know as I don’t feel it is fair to string me along. I want to be married to you by (insert time or date here) and that doesn’t leave much time to plan if we aren’t engaged soon so I would really like to know exactly how you feel about marriage and about me so I don’t have to guess what our future holds.”

This is pretty much very clear and direct but that is how you have to be. No room for arguing, no emotionally messy conversations- just plain and simple direct of what you want and whether or not he wants it too. Good luuck and welcome!

Post # 6
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Good luck!  It is a difficult converstaion to have, but an important one I think.  Boyfriend and I just celebrated our 4 year anniversary and we have been having a lot of talks lately about what our plans for the future are (and when an engagement might fit in to those plans)

Post # 7
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@avedagrl007: I just wanted to add that I think its probably the whole “comfortable where he is thing” because he did at least look at rings. I don’t think that he thinks that he is just stuck with you, guys know that they can always find another girl and they are not stuck.

Post # 8
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

@avedagrl007: I just want to say that I respect your frustrations and believe you are doing the right  thing.  I’m sure it’s not easy, but it’s important that you stick by what you know is best for you in your heart.  You’ve been incredibly patient and gracious with this man.  Like some of the others have said, he has probably grown comfortable over time.  A nudge from you and an explanation that you feel that marriage is the example you wish to set for your children and the way you would feel most honored and respected by him in this situation will hopefully inspire him to make a move.  I think you are perfectly justified in setting a boundary for yourself when it comes to making the decision to move out if he is not willing to talk this through and come to a point of decision after 4 years.  Ultimately, you would probably feel resentful and as though you were disrespecting yourself if you continue to live with him unmarried without an end in sight.  Though it might be painful, it will be worth it in the end to move out if he does not want to get married.  I think the thing that makes it more painful / difficult is the involvement of the children.  That is the only hang-up with this situation — on the one hand, you want to show them that their mother has a high standard for how she allows herself to be treated (i.e., that the commitment of marriage is important to her and she stands by what she knows is best).  On the other hand, a move away from the family they have been a part of for the past 4 years may be very difficult for them.  You know your children and the details of the situation best, but I think that how the children would handle the separation should be taken into account when you decide whether to leave.  It is certainly not an easy place to be in, and I definitely hope for the best for you, that you and your SO can get on the same page (and that he marries you soon!).  

Post # 9
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

I agree with the previous poster about taking into account how your children will react, BUT don’t stay in an unhappy relationship for your children. Children are resilient and will adjust. Mine came through my divorce a little worse for the wear, but they recovered. Making a decision whether to stay or go is hard. Listen to your heart, but don’t ignore your head. You’ll make the best decision for you.

Post # 10
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

I agree with some of the other PP’s. It doesn’t really sound like he’s totally on board with marriage period. He seems to be giving a lot of excuses and beating around the bush. And at this stage (nearly 4 years) you should definitely have a more clear concise understanding of what you guys plans are for the future. It sounds like you’re at square one and aren’t making any progress after several years invested. I would definitely set an internal/personal deadline and be ready to walk.

Now my SO and I have 9 wks until our four year anniversary. And that’s my deadline. At that time I think it would be best for us to live apart if there is no engagement because I’m not waiting any longer. I’ve pushed my deadline back once due to job loss, financial situations, etc. But not again. And I think I kind of made that clear. He doesn’t know my deadline but I had to make it myself to stay sane. We have discussed getting married. Initially I wanted this Summer (2011) but things started to happen that really set us back. We’re both transitioning jobs so finances are tight. So although I was upset at first for his lack of saving, non proposal, etc. in the end it worked out for the best. Because we couldn’t have made it happen in our current circumstances anyway. Now we’ve BOTH agreed on Spring (March) 2012. And he knows that it takes 6-12 months to plan a wedding. I gave him my preferences of Spring or Summer and HE picked Spring. So now he needs to make it happen.

Post # 13
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

I think you’ve gotten great advice here!  I like the “speech” armychica wrote.  Very to the point and if you can keep a calm head during this type of talk, all the better.  It’s hard. 

I did it – and I gave the date as well.  Didn’t do it as eloquently as she did (LOL) but I did it.  He actually agreed to my date which almost made me faint.  He’s been quite the tough one to commit, not to commit to me but to marriage. 

So, what I’m saying is you may be surprised if you actually have the conversation. 

Best of luck – keep us posted 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

I say stick by your guns and have him go alone.  If you go, you might be miserable.  If he goes, perhaps he will indeed miss you.

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