- 5 years ago
Hi Bees. I posted several weeks ago asking for advice on my situation: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/advice-please-6-years-need-to-have-the-timelineultimatum-talk#axzz2ikaENSxO
The short of it: we’re late 20’s and dating 6 years. I was surprised and frustrated that we weren’t engaged by 4 years in. You all gave incredible advice on bringing up my timeline without being pushy or freaking him out. The best boiled down to “adults talk upfront about their relationships” and “men are sometimes clueless” 😉
Fast forward to last week… at dinner, I said there was something on my mind I had to get out. I told him I had felt strongly that he might propose to me on our aniversary trip recently (one that he suggested, planned, etc) and that when he didn’t I was really disappointed. I said I felt like 6 years was a long time to be dating without getting engaged and asked how he felt about that, if he thought about engagement at all, if he had any concerns that were stopping him. I told him I didn’t want to pressure him, but after 6 years I needed a more concrete understanding of our future together.
He seemed really and truly surprised by all this.
He appologized that I was disappointed. Then he said something interesting, which was that he had thought about getting engaged too (and often, because both of our families pressure the shit out of him every holiday and get together) but that since I never bring it up he didn’t think it was something I felt strongly/urgently about. We have great communication together, but I try to be reallllllyyy chill and laid back about the subject of marriage it so I don’t become a nag. I assumed he just “knew” my timeline, and he assumed I didn’t have one because I never voiced it. So, one million points for speaking up, bees!
He also told me he couldn’t afford a ring right now because he finishing up grad school and “rings cost a minimum $10,000.” After I picked my jaw up from the floor, I told him yes, some women’s rings cost that, but that’s far, far more than how much I expected or wanted him to spend on mine. He also thought weddings took around 6 months to plan, and didn’t really connect the dots before concerning our ages/TTC/kids.
Our talk ended with me asking him what he thought an acceptable timeline was and he said within a year from now. I told him I would have a hard time waiting that long because I was excited for our lives to go to the next step. He said okay, it will be sooner, let’s go look at rings sometime next week!
So, to all the bees who gave advice, thank you! I read every comment. It seems silly that I was so nervous about what ended up being such a sweet talk.
Bees who are bemoaning your waiting period, please consider having a sit down with your man so you’re on the same page! Hinting, being vague and hoping they “get it” just won’t work. You’ll be so thankful that you got it off your chest and both of you know exactly what the other wants.