(Closed) 6 years and disappointment update

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

To my ears “not a year but soon” sounded like “oh no, not as soon as a year….. but soon. Perhaps a couple of years”

Regardless, after 6 years I’m not too sure why the two of you are shy or embarrassed about bringing this up. I’d be saying “I’ve had enough of this crap, stop giving me nonsense about the surprise, if you want to be married to me we’re going to pick a date right now and I’m starting to plan it. We’ll pick out a ring another time. How do you feel about August?”

Post # 17
Member
5954 posts
Bee Keeper

futuresmith4:  I’m sorry sweetie but it sounds like all he’s done is placate you and buy himself some more time. Are you really willing to wait for almost another year- next March- only to find there are more excuses, more roadblocks & him acting contrite but ultimately letting you down yet again?

If you guys are in debt plus wanting to save for a house- how does he factor being able to afford a ring and a wedding into all of this? To give him the benefit of the doubt for a moment- that he really does want to marry you but feels badly because he’s bought into the hype of proposals having to be elaborate, rings having to be mega-bling, and weddings having to be extravagant affairs, then reassure him that the two of you are a team, that it’s the marriage that matters, not a freaking Youtube worthy proposal with a ring that cost him six months salary and a kidney. Tell him you are fine with a simple ring and a courthouse ceremony or small wedding (punch and cake in someone’s backyard or a church basement)- assuming you are fine with this?- but that you don’t want to put your life on hold waiting for another year. If money worries are truly whats getting in his way, then this is a totally win-win situation for both of you, if he still stammers and hedges and won’t come around, then unfortunately you’ll know this was only an excuse to buy more time.

And please, please don’t get me started on how an intelligent woman is supposed to be ‘surprised’ at this point.

Post # 18
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I am going to be blunt.

I think he is stalling you. I think he knows somehow you are not the one for him, but the relationship does not have anything particularly wrong with it either, so he won’t break it off if he does not have to. It is comfortable, and until it isn’t, or he has other options, he will stick it out. He has nothing really to lose by stalling it at this point.

If a guy after 6 years (assuming you are both adults) is still giving you vague answers, it is because he does not want to marry you. I have seen men like this eventually break up with these long term partners – that they dated for several years – and marry someone else within a year or two. They will readily admit that with those past relationships, they cared about them, but they never felt they were going to be “forever”.

Post # 19
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

RayKay:  This exactly. 

Many men will stay with a woman that they know they don’t really want to marry. But it’s comfortable, it’s convenient, and they always have an antenna out for something better that may come along. So they give b.s. excuses to their SO, anything to buy more time. Then they meet someone else and – boom. They’re engaged in no time.  

None of the excuses he gave you wash. The whole surprise factor is completely played out. At this point, when you’ve grown restless and resentful, the only surprise would be if he magically got down on bended knee. You don’t have to be free of debt to get engaged. Men seem to love this excuse and the idea that their whole life should be stress free, everything set perfectly before they propose. And women buy into it at the expense of their youth and fertility. My husband had student loans, but guess what? He got married and made payments. He accrued more debt after marriage in order to start a business. 

After 6 years he knows if he wants to marry you or not. The time for “soon” and “surprise” has passed. The only thing that counts is what he actually does and right now that’s exactly nothing. 

 

Post # 20
Member
4008 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think A LOT of his words are being over analyzed to the point of almost ridiculousness.

do I think he is buying some time? Yes.

do I think this means you are not “the one”? No!

i feel like a lot of people on the Bee (even though I love it) are very quick to pounce on the very worst scenario.

I think you got SLIGHTLY more of an answer than you had before but I also think you are putting the ball too much in his court if that makes sense.. I don’t think u need to give him an ultimatum but I think you need him to know where YOU stand and what YOU want out of all this.

If you don’t want to wait 7 years then TELL HIM. If you arent comfortable with even waiting another year he needs to know so that you can figure out where you both stand.

It is not unheard of that he wants to be financially sound before marriage, this was a big thing for my Fiance, he wanted to feel like all the cards were dealt and everything was stable and then he proposed. This took longer than maybe I would have liked but it still happened.

It is clear that you both need to learn how to communicate your feelings better to one another and be more honest and candid when discussing your expectations. This takes a lot of practice…

I think you need to bring it up again but this time VOICE your concerns and be HONEST. Beating around the bush will only get you so far, now you are worrying even more after reading these responses but you will never truly know what he is thinking or planning unless you ASK… if he is buying time then you should at least know WHY.

Post # 21
Member
461 posts
Helper bee

daffodils:  That’s how it sounded to me too. 

He’s just told you it won’t be within a year so don’t get your hopes up that it’ll happen in March.

Post # 22
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee

I love the “I want it to be a surprise” thing …ugh. if that’s really what a guy wants, he needs to propose BEFORE the girl starts asking herself and him why he hasn’t. Yes, you both need to know you want to get married and be together forever, but it needs to be before she questions why the heck it hasn’t happened yet!!! After that, yeah it can still be a surprise, but a lot of questions and hurt will have come before that. You’ve been together SIX years. If he doesn’t do it in less than a year like he said I’d leave.

Post # 23
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

Sounds like my situation but I have been with mine alot longer. We talked rings almost two years ago. One year went by I excused it. Then he claimed it was my debt he didnt want to marry into. Its not even 5000 bucks so lame excuse. I am headed on two years from this convo on July 4th and I am over it. I love the guy and I a modern girl so I wont die if it does t happen BUT I grew up wanting to get married so I have some thinking to do. He is lucky tho. most women would leave by now: 12 years in. I wish I had advice for you, you are not alone. Men need to get it together. I also thought for sure it was coming on xmad 2015 and ruined my own rule of high expectations and then instead got a purse which is nice and a giant best friend thread of texts of one of my friends who was proposed to on xmas. It was a bad xmas because I put expectations on it. So now I am doi g a mr bees plan/shut up pact and that thinkong I mentioned.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  lolee82.
Post # 24
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

lolee82:  12 years ?? Wow. Judging from your screen name you’re the about the same age as me and I’m turning 34 next month. You should have high expectations! Why shouldn’t you?

That’s just crazy. If you want to get married go get married. Don’t wait for this guy though. 

Post # 25
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

Sancerre:  I am torn. Because I feel like if you love someone what is a piece of paper BUT yes at my age (we both do not want kids I think that is a factor) how I was raised was with marriage as an important part of life or a rite of passage. So I do not know really why marriage is so important to me hence why i need to really think about things. He is younger then me as well. I turn 34 in dec! I am working out what to do for sure lol. Thanks for the insight you are right wanna get married go do it lol! 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  lolee82.
Post # 26
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

futuresmith4:  The only surprise is why you put up with this situation. Go find somebody else who will love and respect you. It’ll be hard but this guy is dragging his feet BIG  time. This should be a huge  red flag.

Post # 27
Member
6991 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

futuresmith4:  Honestly? I think you’re having a conversation with him but you aren’t saying how you really feel. I certainly don’t think anyone should pressure a guy into marrying them. However, you need to say to him “I”m not going to wait another year. I want to get married and if I’m not the one for you, you need to tell me now.” If you’re serious about how you feel, set yourself a walk date and stick to it. Do I think he’s stalling? Yeah, I do. You’ve been together that long and haven’t talked about marriage since year 2? He needs to shit or get off the pot and you need to stand up for yourself and what you want in life.

Listen…this advice is coming from someone who was with their Darling Husband 12 years before we got engaged. Together since high school and while we did wait a long time before we got married I never doubted that we would eventually get married. For everyone who says “if a guy wants to marry you, he will” I agree with that….but I don’t think it’s that black and white all the time. We have busy careers and weren’t interested in settling on our expectations for a ring, wedding, etc. I’m from the south where almost all of my friends got married following college graduation. Darling Husband and I were together 12 years, bought a house, lived in different states, I started a business, etc all before we got engaged. At this point in our lives (married 4 years) we’re doing fantastic and most of our friends are on their second marriages. I’m not saying how we did it was right, but I know that we did it when the time was right for US.

Post # 28
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

It must be very frustrating for you. Don’t get me wrong, when you get ‘dragged along’, it can feel like your wishes aren’t being respected. But I feel like I’ve been seeing this over and over on the bee and it’s rather sad. If marrying is the only way you can see the relationship proceeding because you have long held certain values or something and he entered this phase of the relationship know that full well, sure, I can understand feeling disrespected.

But at the same time, I don’t think you should throw away a perfectly good relationship over something like this. Your life and your relationship don’t stagnate with the lack of marriage (or they shouldn’t). Don’t let yourself fall into the trap. But then again, a personal pet peeve of mine is when people search for marriage as oppose to deciding to marry the ones that they love. It’s like being in love with the idea first and that causes problems when actual, nuanced people and their circumstances are introduced. But what do I know?

I think you both need to get better at communicating AND compromising before you are forced to hash it out after being legally (and spiritually?) bound. He needs to learn how to not make a commitment before he is sure he can follow through. It’s annoying yeah. I’d like to marry my SO. I joined this forum after a month or so of engagement talks. And then we decided to put all that on hold to prioritize my return to school a few days later :P. We’ve been together for the better part of a decade (having met as teens) and our friends are starting to get knocked up or engaged themselves. But we decided we were too sentimental to go to a courthouse and would rather wait and save up for the whole shindig. But that is a choice we made together. I don’t see it as being dragged out.

All this to say you have options here. And I don’t think anyone is really wrong here. Maybe misguided. And that sucks. But nothing you can’t recover from. 

And if you decide you’ve given him enough time: no judgement either way. You are still in control of your life as an individual. Better to foster that ability to stand up for yourself and bring that into a relationship later, I say.

Post # 29
Member
347 posts
Helper bee

futuresmith4:  

Straightforward open conversation & no assumptions, I would:

1. Ask what his timeline is, him mentioning a specified month and year.
    Listing to his answer very carefully (it might not what I want to hear, yet to listing)

2. Then proceed to tell him what I am confortable with
    My timeline let’s say by December 2016 (6 months) to be engaged with a wedding day announced

3. Express clearly why I am doing this/discussion
   Love & want to move the relationship forward with him but I cannot continue to see him without    words turning into actions (commitment). I want to get married and my time is precious just, like his.

*Don’t accept being left in confusion and doubt – it’s your life bee, wishing you the best  🙂

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