(Closed) 6 years and still no e-ring….

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
259 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Stranger516:  Well, take this with a grain of salt because I started dating my Fiance at 18 and did not get engaged until 28 (after 10 years together). We are getting married just before our 12 year anniversary.

To answer your questions:

I don’t think you are crazy for wanting to be engaged, however, just because other people are doing it does not make it a good idea in of itself. Also, the whole, “I am not getting any younger” comment doesn’t really hold a lot when you are only 23. Not trying to be mean, but you are young. If you were in your mid to late 30’s and made that comment, it would be different.

Keep in mind that many guys are not ready for marriage until their later 20’s. Some guys are ready sooner, but a lot of men consider marriage more seriously around 27-29. Women tend to feel “ready” sooner. If he is not ready, he will not propose. Especially since you started dating younger, to him, it may not be a matter of how long you have been together, but more of “when he feels is the right time.” Many guys like to feel financially stable and a certain “point” in their life. Sometimes it is income related, career oriented or material acquisition (i.e., owning a home) related.

Whether or not you live together before marriage is a decision you two need to make together. Are you comfortable with moving in first? If so, you might consider it. Now, I don’t see it as a “trial” period to see if things will work out, but I do personally value the investment and learning that goes on when you live with someone before marriage.

My Fiance and I have lived together for 4 years. Our relationship has grown tremendously. If living together first is not something you are comfortable with, then you need to express that to him.

Given that you two are still young and figuring things out, I wouldn’t be too discouraged. Yes, it is frustrating, but if you two are developing a solid, happy and healthy relationship now, that’s all that really matters. Engagements, rings and even marriages do not make a lasting, loving relationship work. It is personal committment that makes a relationships last.

It sounds like you two have started to have the conversation, which is good. Perhaps talk more specifically about a timeline, expectations and future plans. Even if you do not get engaged in the next year, you might feel better having had an honest conversation about it.

Post # 4
Member
481 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t think you are crazy, but I do think you are in a hurry. I had two failed engagements because I was just too young to know what I wanted. If you haven’t lived together, also I think that is really important before getting engaged, but a lot of people do it anyway. He is right that things can change when you live together.

He doesn’t sound ready to get married or engaged though. And that’s why you are still waiting.

Post # 6
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

My sister and her boyfriend have been together 10 years – since high school. But they do not live together. they want to live together first to see if it works before they actually get engaged. Living together is a LOT different then just dating, even if you have sleep overs.

Post # 7
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

I think I’ve seen other girls in this position be given the suggestion that you agree on a set time to live together before talking about marriage again. I don’t think it’d have to be anything heavy just something like “hey, I’m really excited to be living with you, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable living together for more than *insert timeframe here* without actually being engaged”. Talking stuff out is always good, it’s all about understanding expectations and compromising.

 

I definitely don’t think you’re crazy, too young or necessarily in a hurry ^^ I can see his side and your side.

 

Anyway I’m not sure I really said anything all that useful XD wish you all the best x

Post # 8
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I agree, I think living together is really important….you both are still VERY young and people change a lot as you grow…can you see your and your SO’s changes melding with each other?

My Fiance and I were together 8 years when we got engaged…it is now 9 years and we’re getting married in July.

I am 33 and he is 38. We both have been engaged before so we waited.  We bought a house, we are working towards financial stabilitiy, and that was when the wedding was feasible.

Post # 9
Member
9689 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Stranger516:  I don’t think you’re crazy but most guys are not ready to get married until they are at least 25…and even then it often doesn’t happen until they are in their late 20s.  So in that instance, I do think you are in a bit of a rush.  Just because other people are doing it is NO reason to want to rush to get engaged. 

Do you want to live with him?  If you do I think you two should focus on that first, as long as you have discussed the progression of your relationship.  You should both be on the same page that if you live together you should be progressing towards marriage.  Meaning an engagement should come at X time after that.  I think you two should sit down and come up with a reasonable timeline.  So…move in at X time and then get engaged X years after that.  At 23 I don’t think you have any real reason to be in a huge hurry to get married. 

If you don’t want to live together before marriage that is a different conversation entirely. 

 

Post # 10
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Stranger516:  I’m sure I’ll get flamed for saying so, but I think it is imperitive *for me* that I’d need to live with someone before I married them.  That being said, I’ve only lived with my current SO of 2 years and a former one but for only 3 months.  In *my* experience, you don’t always know someone until you live with them and see them with their guard down.

 

 

 

With the ex, he was a bit of pain in the butt just dating, but when we moved in together I got to see his true colors *very* quickly: loud, mean and severely alcoholic.  Again, I knew he drank a bit with his pals, but would not have known the severity had we not lived together and likely would have wasted more of my time.  Case-in-point: he was having a rough week with his business and I bought him a mixer and a big 1.75 liter bottle of rum.  I went to run errands, and when I came home about two hours later he had consumed the entire bottle.  I ended things shortly after that.

 

 

 

With my current SO, thank god he turned out to be as wonderful casually dating as he has been living together.  I remember when I first visited his place, it looked like a show home, like right out of a magazine, and I assumed he’d cleaned it prior to my arrival to impress me.  Negative: he is an absolute neat freak.  I probably am the more “challenging” to live with, as I’m far more cluttered. 

 

 

 

So, in my opinion, I get the desire to live together before taking the marriage plunge.  I’m not saying right away and I’m not saying with every guy you date, but in the right circumstances it’s what I’d do.

 

Post # 11
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Stranger516:  You do seem to be kind of in a hurry. Yes you have been together 6 years but that means you were what like 17 when you got together? The prime of your life is JUST starting so enjoy this time together before you become so domestic! 

Take time to enjoy the waiting time BEFORE your engagement! Use this time to move in if you want to! Living together is your choice if you want to, do it. It’s probably a good opportunity to see what your relationship would be like on an everyday kind of basis I guess. 

Just be careful! I have several close girlfriends who couldn’t wait to be engaged (to long time bfs), rushed into engagement and ended up just crushed. A broken engagement is borderline devastating and humiliating. Much worse than just breaking up with a boyfriend. The deposits, the families, the travel arrangements.

Please just take your time! Enjoy your SO & the way things are now!

Post # 12
Hostess
7560 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Stranger516:  I think you guys need to talk about your timeline. If it’s important to you that you take the next step but he wants to live together first, it sounds like you should rent a place for a year. Marriage is an exercise in communication and cooperation. You guys should be able to find a solution that works for both of you. 

 

Post # 13
Member
8695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@mrstau732:  I agree! One of my bridesmaids is dealing with a broken engagement right now and it definitely makes talking to her sometimes…..difficult. It took her 7 months to finally tell people. She pushed for an engagement with someone who was not ready.

Post # 14
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Stranger516:  I don’t think you’re crazy for wanting to be engaged we all want that leading up to the time, thinking is this ever going to happen 🙂 But coming from your bf’s point of view I can relate. I lived on my own before I moved in with my then bf now fiance after 5 years of being together. I have to admit I was a bit worried about movin in with anyone not just him. I would worry about the little things and how I would no longer have my own space as much. I think it is normal to worry about moving in with anyone especially when you plan on living with that person for the rest of your life.We moved in together and just under a year later we got engaged. The time could not have been more perfect. When you do move in together and then get engaged you will both be able to focus on your engagement, enjoy and plan but if it was before you moved in you would also be thinking and planning for the house. Trust me it will make it that bit more special having nothing taking away from your plans and just being able to put all your energy into the excitement of such a special time!! 🙂 Hope This Helps xx

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