6 years no proposed is it time to say goodbye?

posted 1 week ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

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@Lilybee 8474:  sounds like it’s time to take control of your own future. Instead of waiting around for a guy to decide it. 

Post # 3
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2022

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@Lilybee 8474:  i am so sorry to say this (and i apologize in advance if any sounds harsh) but it sounds like he has both told you and shown you he has no interest in marrying you. it sounds like he has straight up lied to your face about things “we said we will both go to the bank and get a loan and start the process of getting our own home when the time came he said he doesn’t want to do that anymore”. that is a MASSIVE RED FLAG. it shows you that his word doesn’t mean anything. or that he is such a poor communicator and so passive that he just went along with your plan even if he didn’t know if he would follow through. he has been gaslighting you in my opinion. his stance on marriage could be not personal at all (ie son sayng he doesn’t plan on marrying again) or it could be that you break up and two months later he is engaged to another woman. you never know. every choice in life is a risk. it’s up to you if you want to give him another chance for a convo, couneling or something but personally i would probs be ready to start figuring out my finances (quietly and without telling him anything about my intentions) and separating myself as much as possible. i would start getting in a strong emotional place to handle the coming difficult transition as best as i could for my child. i would make sure i get a job and start looking at housing (or figuring out if you are able to stay where you are at) and get all the logistics you need to ironed out. can you enroll in some classes for a certificate or degree? do you have family who you can lean on right now and stay with as you get things sorted? i would want my child raised in a loving environment where each partner means what they say to each other and my child learns to trust (or where I am a kickass indepedent single mom). regardless of what you decide i wish you the best!

  • This reply was modified 1 week ago by megs229.
  • This reply was modified 1 week ago by megs229.
Post # 4
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Move. On.

Red flags:

Huge age gap. He probably went for a younger woman who would be happy to wait longer for marriage. A 34 year old who goes after a 20 year old usually does not have pure intentions.

He already has a child and he didn’t marry that child’s mother. (If he’s divorced, disregard. This was unclear.) Clearly having a child out of wedlock is no biggie to him.

He keeps stalling. Uses the house as an excuse, then backs out. Side note, do NOT buy property with him. If you buy a home together and you’re not married, you’ll have no way to force a sale. 

He keeps making excuses.

His son said he had no plans to marry you.

Why on earth would you put school and career on hold to “give” him a child? This man sounds like a user and a leech who has no compunctions with taking advantage of a younger woman. Stop helping with his business. Stop agreeing to subsidize his housing without an exit plan. Stop being his childcare. His son is not your stepchild. You’re not married. 

You’re not as mature as you say you are. You’re being used. You let him use you for 6 years. You put your life on hold to procreate for someone who keeps lying to you about commitment. But you are finally seeing the light.

LEAVE

Post # 5
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Sorry to say, Bee, but if it’s marriage you’re looking for, you’re beating a dead horse with this man.

Post # 6
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

My thought is that you are not going to spend your life married and living happily with the father of your child. If he wanted to marry you it would have happened by now. 

When 2 people love each other and want to the same thing, to be married to each other, they make it happen.  And when 2 people want to be married to each other, even if there are obstacles to be overcome before it can happen, they discuss the obstacles and form a plan and work the plan to eliminate the obstacles and make it happen.  

What doesn’t happen when 2 people want to be married is one of them moves the goal posts, changes the plan, stalls, gaslights and generally works against making it happen for 6 years.  

Sorry bee, this guy isn’t the one for you unless you can be happy without marriage.  

Post # 7
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

You ‘gave up your dreams to give him a child’ huhh? He already had a child sis, don’t blame you giving up your life on your kid, that was obviously your choice. Are you working? You need to be able to support yourself and your child, this doesn’t seem like a quality partner… there’s a reason an older man with a kid goes for a very very young partner, and it’s not to settle down…

Post # 8
Member
5699 posts
Bee Keeper

Why would you have a child and put your education on hold for a man who won’t marry you? That wasnt very mature reasoning.

He’s not going to marry you, and I struggle to see what’s so appealing about this guy. Leave him and move on to someone who wants to marry you. And before you make another commitment to have a child with someone, be sure that they’ve made a formal commitment to you.

Post # 9
Member
7903 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Bee–did you think having a child would push him over the edge? If so, it obviously didn’t work. This guy does not want to be married. 

Figure out what you need make happen to go back to school. A LOT more options are available online due to Covid, take advantage of it. If marriage and a two-parent family is something you really want you’ll have to find it with someone else. Plan your exit. 

Post # 10
Member
1759 posts
Buzzing bee

The fact that he’s been with you for six years and has a daughter with you and he still does not want to own a home with you or get married tells me he’s not going to make that commitment to you. And I’m very sorry to hear that even your stepson said that his dad will not get married. That his dad isn’t with his son’s mom might tell you something about the kind of person he is and how he is not able to face responsibility and commitment with anyone.  You are still very young.  You should not let a guy like this hold you back from doing all the things you want to do in life.  If you want to have someone who will marry you and have a good life with you, then find that person. I just don’t think this guy is the one. He won’t even go to the bank with you and he makes endless excuses.  Don’t waste more years with him or have anymore kids with him.

Post # 11
Member
13549 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Why is he the one that gets to decide owning a home takes priority over the rights, responsibilities, protections, and emotional support afforded by marriage? Not that he’s taking any steps there, either. That’s for the best, though. I would never buy property with someone who is not fully committed and personally not until marriage. 

Is any of this about money, for an expensive ring or wedding reception? If so, call his bluff, say you don’t need those things right now, and say you’re willing to get married asap at the courthouse. With a child to consider those things would be less important. 

Only because there is a child in the picture, I’d advise couples counseling. I’d also recommend doing whatever it takes to continue your education or put yourself in a position to be self sufficient if you aren’t. 

Post # 12
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

I highly doubt you will like my response, but you literally asked for it.

You did this to yourself. You have no one to blame but yourself.

You are dating an emotionally stunted middle-aged man who has all but shouted in your face that he doesn’t want to follow through with his promises. He has been reneging on everything he’s said but you keep buying his bullshit. Talk is CHEAP. His actions say he’s full of shit. Listen to those instead.

YOU CHOSE to put your life on hold. What a terrible, immature decision. Full stop. I have zero sympathy for you and I’m not going to join your pity party. You’re in control of your own life, or you should be. Get back in the driver’s seat. No one held a gun to your head and forced you to suspend your education or career.

The fact that you even phrased it as “give him a child” makes me want to scream, and I don’t even like or want children. That mentality pisses me off because a child is not some participation trophy you “give” someone. You decided to have unprotected sex and you got knocked up and kept the kid. She’s the single most important thing you’ve done and if you’re using her as a bargaining chip for the future your boyfriend doesn’t seem to give a shit about, shame on you.

You are a parent now, she’s the only thing alive that should truly alter your path. And you need to start putting her first.

You say you’re mature for your age but it honestly doesn’t sound that way.

Post # 13
Member
1918 posts
Buzzing bee

He’s only using silly things as an excuse because you let him do it.

He said you would be married within a year – that year was up five years ago, and you’ve done nothing.  So he knows that he can make excuses, move the goalposts and you won’t do anything.  He’s had five years of this, so why would he expect anything to change now?

But now you have your child to consider.  You really do need to take action.  For the sake of your child if not yourself, ask him to go to couples’ counselling – not next month, next year or ‘sometime’, but right now.  If he agrees – make the booking.  Yes, that’s you.  You make the booking, so he can’t wriggle out of it.  If he cancels or refuses to go in the first place, then you know he has zero interest in building this relationship, so act accordingly.

Post # 14
Member
3507 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Get out!! He doesn’t want to marry you. Leave him, get your education, and work on building your own life. Talk is cheap and he has done nothing to show that he wants to get married. 

Post # 15
Member
2647 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Start working on your education now. Get your ducks in a row, line up a job, and be prepared to walk away from this dead end relationship. If he wanted to marry you, he would have done so by now. The house conversation is an easy goalpost to move around and keep what you actually want just out of reach. 

I’m so sorry he hoodwinked you into believing you wanted the same things, but it’s not too late to take control of your life back. 

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