- 4 years ago
You don’t know how happy I have been to find this waiting thread, I’ve been lurking through pages and pages and can really relate to you all.
I’m a bit at the end of my rope in my 6 year relationship.
I’m 24 and he’s 28. We started dating when I was pretty young (we met when I was 17, started dating at 18). I dived into the relationship pretty quickly, and after around 4 months started living with my SO. Since it was my first relationship, I was pretty realistic with my expectations, but we ended up being a VERY good match. We work very well together and I love him deeply.
Around 4 years into the relationship, I had a few life changes. One, I went from being an agnostic/new agey type to a Christian (Roman Catholic, which is the religion I grew up with). It caused some conflict in our relationship, but we have since worked throughh it and I’ve become a lot more balanced spiritually. I don’t want to change him,and faith has become very personal for me. I also realized during this time that I was obsessed with being the “cool girlfriend” who didn’t talk to my SO about my dreams (marriage, kids, etc) as to not “scare him away”. This was around when I told him that I was interested in marriage. (4 year mark) He told me that he wanted to get married one day, but the thought of marrying me had never crossed his mind during our relationship. He needed time to think about it.
Since then, we’ve had a few conversations about it. I do NOT want to be a nag, so the talks happen MAYBE once every 3 months. Mostly me asking, “Hey, where are you? What do you think about the idea of marriage/life together? Are you ready to set up a timeline? What can I do to be a better girlfreind to you during this time?” I don’t get much information out of him. But what I do hear is that he doesn’t know yet, and feels that certain life events get in the way. We set up goals and would hit them, but life happens and new issues would pop up, so the goal posts would then be moved. I told him I would really be appreciative if he would communicate his wants and fears to me about marriage. Nothing. So I backed off a bit. When talking about marriage, I usually will just ask questions to get to know him better (such as, how many kids do you want? If we did get married how would finances work?) sort of as a fun game/activity. We had 2 of those sort of talks in the past year. Otherwise I’ve been silent.
At year 5, I decided that for my own sanity, I had to detach a little bit emotionally, and moved into my own apartment a few blocks away. I’ve been trying to work on my own thing, and still be a good, loving girlfriend. But I’m starting to lose it.
Right now, after 6 years of dating, I have no timeframe, no reasons for the wait, and no idea if he wants to spend his life with me. This past holiday season has been very hard on me, since I will build up hope that he might tell me he would like to spend his life with me (at this point the ring is secondary), or give me a timeframe, or appologize for the lack of reasons. I had hope for our anniversary in one month, but when I talked about planning something for our anniversary, he had forgotten te date completely (which tells me he wasn’t seriously planning something for that date).
At this point, I really don’t see reason for him to wait any longer. I am not a fan of ultimatums, but I am also not a fan of being strung along by someone who knowingly does not want the same things I want. I dislike having to think about walking at the same time as hoping to spend my life with him. It’s like a war is going on between my mind and heart.
What should I do? Should I talk to him again? I’m afraid I will just get that same silence, and non-answers. That he will say “after I get a better apartment” or “after I get a better job”. (He has a great job and apartment, and can afford a ring. He also knows I’m not looking for something expensive.) I’m thinking about setting a walk date in my mind, and asking him then if there is a timeline for a proposal. But I don’t know…I’m hurting terribly. Please help!