Post # 1
I am new to the hive so please forgive me if I do not use the appropriate initialisms. So I have been with my SO for 6 yrs. in February and lately alot of our friends/aquaintances have been getting engaged if not married who have been together less time than we have. We moved in together last March so it has been almost a year now and before that we were inseparable. Sometimes I think part of the reason we took our time is because we have been dating since I was 19 and he was 21 so our relationship wasn’t always as mature as it is now. Regardless, every time friends or anyone we both know gets engaged it stings ALOT and although I am happy for them, I am sad for me. I know that it is all money, but shouldn’t he have considered this along the way? He is starting to get aggravated that whenever someone else gets engaged we get into an argument…I guess I just want to know that there are other ladies out there like myself and I’m not just going nuts. I have been told for so long that I’m too young (25) but I am no younger than any of my friends. How do I accept this waiting period and not get upset with my SO because it hasn’t come yet?
Post # 3
Welcome to the Bee! i’m sure you will find lots of waiting ladies that have tons of advice for you.
Have you and SO talked about marriage? does he want to get married? does he know that marriage is important to you?
as women I think we find marriage a difficult topic to bring up for the irrational fear of scaring them away or turning them off but in reality these things need to be discussed and I think after 6 years there is no time like the present! ok, i know its not that easy…i hope some other waiting bee’s can chime in here. Good luck!
Post # 4
I waited 6 1/2 years for my ring- I would nag him everyyyyyyy day about getting married. We had already purchased a house 4 years into our relationship- I was sick of being a house wife!!! He had everything planned out perfectly. The timing was just right. Sometimes men have it set in there head when the right time is and it sucks but wew have to wait Have a talk with him. Make sure his intentions are to marry you.
Post # 4
Aw! Even though my relationship with my bf is not as long or as intense as yours I know how you feel when other people get engaged and you are happy for the newly engaged but sad for yourself.
If it really is a money issue because it’s an issue for him? Or do you not care for the ring and big wedding? If it’s just the committment and marriage license you could offer to elope and see what he says.
I don’t think I’m really dealing well with the waiting period right now; I don’t know what is taking him so long to ask since we’ve already talked about it extensively and made the decision that we would eventually get married. If it was the money thing I wish he could just tell me that’s what it is and tell me how long he expects to save up for it.
Have you looked at Mr. Bee’s plan? Try not to let this marriage thing get you down, even though it’s really frustrating! If you have the spare money yourself, why not take yourself out shopping for a new outfit or bath products? Even though my bf and I are long distance, he instantly noticed the change when I would be more dressed up or relaxed for our video chats. Be nice to yourself and take care of yourself right now.
Post # 5
honey, i know exactly where you’re coming from. me and my OH have been together for almost 5 years now and we’ve been having this conversation a lot. my problem is that he’s 18 months younger than me (i’m 25) so he’s pretty young to be thinking about getting married. that said, we’ve agreed that if he gets his way in having the career of his dreams (i supported him through uni) then i get to have my own way and be married before i’m 28.
we’ve been together longer than any of our friends and 2 friends got married last year, and another 2 got engaged! including my best friend – and although i was so happy for her when i found out, i was just gutted that it was happening for everyone else and not for me – now i’m out finding inspiration for her wedding and not my own!!
we used to argue about it until he pointed out to me that he wouldn’t be encouraged to propose if he thought the woman he’d marry got angry all the time (that worked – i stopped arguing with him about it after that) and he’s also mentioned how he wants to make all my other married and engaged friends jealous of the ring i have – so obviously he’ll have to save up a lot for it. i also quite like that as well.
make up for it by planning it yourself now. make sure that when the time comes, you don’t have to waste time thinking about whether or not you want a buffet or a sit-down dinner, think about whether or not the car is important, or the centrepieces. then think of everything that you’d want/could live without and research how much it’ll all cost. that way you’ll have a realistic expectation of the day when he does propose and hopefully then you’ll be able to gather up the finances quickly and you’re day will come sooner than you expected 🙂
Post # 5
You should definitely have a timeline. That is fair to both of you, so you are on the same page with expectations. Once the timeline is set, I think you’ll be very relieved!
Post # 6
Post # 7
I have also been waiting six years this February and I know what you are going through. I was also 19 when we got together, so we are the same age. My partner is 31 currently, and only now is he seeming even remotely close to proposing. it is very tiring watching other men fawn all over their women with proposals. I often feel like I am going to freak out on him. We talk a lot, and now we are both exhausted from talking and I am just waiting.
I have no advice, except talk and make it clear to him what you need. My guy didn’t get it until I wrote a letter detailing all I needed from him and my expectations, read it to him and asked for him to start seriously thinking about proposing. That was in June.
Post # 8
Thank you ladies for all of your advice, I honestly just feel better knowing there are other frustrated woman out there like myself who are head over heels but still waiting. It doesn’t help that I have been a bridesmaid in 4 weddings in the past two years, always a bridesmaid never a bride hahah I just want it to be our turn but I guess everyone is ready at different times. I think I will talk to SO about a realistic engagement and wedding planning/saving timeline, those are important to me too so I want him to know where I stand.
Thank you again!
Post # 9
My SO is 25, I am 23, been together for a little over 4 years, and I am waiting. We don’t have arguments when someone else gets engaged, but I make sure to mention it, how long they’ve been together, etc. But since we have had a serious talk about getting engaged and he seems on board (though not on the ideal timeline I’d like), he’ll just say, yeah, but you’ll get a BETTER Ring 😉 Oh right, that’s all that matters, SO!But part of the reason I am more anxious if that I will be moving in in August, and thanks to some stories of bees who moved in and then waited, sometimes, forever, for the man to make something official, I brought that situation up with my SO. I said, I don’t want to be that naive girl that moves in and then he changes his tune. He hadn’t even thought of that scenario!
I think after 6 years and living together, you should be able to talk about this, not argue, and just try to be honest and share your expectations. There is no sense in staying together longer if marriage is definitely not in his cards.
Post # 10
Hey and welcome to the Hive!
I must say after reading your post – my advice is to have a conversation with your significant other. He should know how important marriage is to you, but most importantly marriage should be a factor he is interested in as well. You must communicate with one another to be sure you are on the same page.
Remember too, that talk is cheap, cheap, cheap. He has become very comfortable with where you are and you are showing the signs that you are too (6 years, he probably thinks you are happy where you are because you have been boyfriend/girlfriend for so long already).
If you are not happy tell him, tell him why. And not just when your friends are getting married… because thats honestly just your jealousy, but you owe it to him to be honest and let the man know you want marriage. —- IF HE DOES UNDERSTAND THIS ALREADY. You must see what his ….. *we use this on The Hive* alot… a timeline —- meaning how long he thinks it will take before blah, blah, blah
ASk how long he thinks it will take until you two are married. Let him know how you feel and YOU MUST decide if you are willing to go along with the timeline or move on.
You deserve to get the wedding, marriage, and husband of your dreams… if he isn’t giving that to you… then you must do what is best for you and your life.
I have a friend who has been waiting for 9 years… Is it worth it.. you could miss out on precious time….. you could have dated, engaged, married, had children, and ALL by now!!! It’s your decision, but I would communicate my feelings to him….afterall this is the man you are about to marry you should be able to talk to one another. I hope I have been of some assistance…
Post # 11
Hello and welcome! I’m sure there are lots of other bees here who were and are in your predicament!
I myself had been together with my SO for 6 yrs and 4 months before he proposed. After he proposed, he explained to me what took him so long. He said he always felt like we were gonna get married, even from the beginning, but being a young man, he liked his freedom.
Then about 5 years into the relationship, he got his own place, so instead of pushing him closer to the idea of settling down, it pushed him further from it because he liked the new freedom that came with living by himself.
He said he seriously started thinking about marriage in the summer of last year and we got engaged a couple of months later in October!
The thing is, guys aren’t always on the same page as us. I used to bug him ALL the time about marriage, engagement etc. But if their mind set is not the same as yours…you might as well be talking to a brick wall sometimes.
It will eventually happen, your SO will realize that the next step is marriage and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. And when he gets to that point, you better know he’ll be too excited to wait any longer!!
Post # 12
Welcome to the bee! I’ll echo PP’s advice to have a timeline conversation. Make sure it comes from a calm place though, and that you are asking him where he sees things going and when. Then you can explain how you would prefer to plan your future and why before seeing where compromises can be made. You deserve an engagement and marriage in a reasonable timeline if that’s what you want, but arguments and pressure shouldn’t be the reason why he proposes.
Of course we ladies would have been planning/saving up to propose long before 6 years if the roles were reversed, but some guys just don’t think like that or see a reason to rush! If you can tell him why you’re excited about marriage and help him see the benefits that could help.
And there are lots of ladies in the same boat here, so I think it helps to post here when you have a bad waiting day rather than taking it out on the boy =). I personally am 25 as well, dating for 8 years, and had my first timeline talk 1.5 years ago. He would have prefered proposing when we were out of our LDR situation, but we compromised to have it a little earlier, and I’m hoping it happens soon. Let us know how your talk goes!
Post # 13
9 years here and still waiting on a ring! I am VERY familiar with the feeling you get in your stomach when you hear about a friend’s engagement. Even though we’ve discussed marriage before, he and I have never had an official timeline conversation. I’d really like to sit down with him and have one, but I just sent him some e-ring wishlists a little over a week ago and I don’t know if I should give him a little bit of time to see if he took the bait before I bring it up again.
Don’t worry; you’ll always have plenty of bees here who can be your sisters in suffering 🙂
Post # 14
Welcome! There are a lot of us here who can relate to the way you’re feeling. Unfortunately I don’t have great answers to how to deal with the waiting time, as I’m struggling with that myself. One thing I am doing is really trying to focus on some personal goals in the meantime.