(Closed) 68 Days until the wedding and feeling very alone

posted 13 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
751 posts
Busy bee

Have you talked with any of your BM’s about how you feel? Sometimes friends don’t really know what’s expected or what you want help with etc. I’m an encore fiancee…well I will be when I get engaged (again)…and 3 of my BM’s have been thru this with me already….they all lived in different states/countries…so I used to send out emails to all of them with updates and encourage them to communicate between themselves.
Please don’t second guess yourself, your wedding day will be wonderful, you’re marrying the love of your life! I know we all focus on flowers, dresses, etc, but the most important thing (to me anyways) is the celebration of marrying your love, having your loved ones there to share that with you, and having FUN!!!!!!
Can you meet with your BM’s for coffee or lunch and chat about the wedding plans and your wishes? They are probably waiting for some direction as to what you want and once they know your expectations then you all can have fun with it and everything will fall into place.
Anyways, I DON’T want you to feel alone! We are all here to offer feedback & help out any way we can.

Post # 5
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Mine are all busy, too, and I actually feel bad that I haven’t tried to include them more! I took the burden on myself of doing most everything myself. But, if they don’t want to help, there isn’t anything you can do about it except beg a little and bribe them, lol. I bribed mine with dinner and margaritas to get them to make my invitations. But i do so much doing the week, it’s not like i can be all, "hey come over for 3 hours after work!" I’m not sure how i could have included them more, but i wish I had tried a little more. Funny, I was thinking about that this morning that they pretty much had to let me bounce ideas off them, make invitations, and show up and was wondering if i was a bad bride b/c of that! 

Whoever told you that b/c you are an older bride you don’t deserve the same fun and help as anyone else is retarded. Not sure what’s up her butt, but that wasn’t cool. A wedding is a wedding and you need some help or you will go crazy! The same person who said that probably thinks younger brides aren’t old enough and mature enough to marry and shouldn’t have a big wedding, either! There are always ppl like that out there. Keep your head high and move past! 

Post # 6
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I say really, don’t listen to the people saying you should just expect them to show up. I am having a hard time including my BMs as well but we all live far away and I do a lot during the week as well. I am trying to get a dress shopping day together this month and so far, it does’t seem to be too hard. I do send emails and stuff and I started a blog that pretty much meant to keep the informed. I have made a little poll on there before and add inspiration pictures so they know what I am thinking.

If you want input, feel free to post on the Weddingbee boards. We’re all here for the same reason and would love to give you our two cents. 😉 We all seem to have so many opinions since planning a wedding ourselves. LOL

Post # 7
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’ve only got my Maid/Matron of Honor, and once a week, I send her an update email, and pics and things like that, even when there’s not much to say; it’s kind of her job to listen. It has helped me feel less isolated. We’re only 20 minutes apart, but I haven’t seen her in ages. Thank goodness for email!

Post # 8
4 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969

Sorry you are feeling so down. Wish I had words of wisdom for you but I may be in your boat soon. I am 34 and planning my wedding. My attendants are my sister who has 3 kids and my cousin who has 2 under the age of 2 and is an executive at a big company so has little time to help and then my 10 year old daughter.

Shucks maybe we should call it a day go to the spa and drink mamosias.

Good Luck just know that you and your day are special and deserve to be treated as such, or turn bridezilla on their beehinds!!!

Post # 9
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Many hive hugs to you.  I’m sorry some other board did not give you support..but never fear!  The encore board is here armed with hugs and good thoughts!

Imho, there seems to be something in the water as of recent with regards to bm’s lately.  I’m not sure why.  You aren’t the only one here who has had issues with them.  My suggestion is to communicate with them.  REALLY let them know HOW they can help you!  I can tell you being a single mom and working my butt off has made me very self reliant and I’m just not used to having somebody do something for me, but if it makes you feel better, I had a meltdown the other night afte talking to T before bed on the phone.  I was exhausted and had spent a sunny Sunday cleaning the house rather than doing something fun..with him..like he wanted.  I remember telling him "It’s not like there are some magic elves who come in the house when I’m off at work or off having fun with you that do all the laundry and cleaning.  If it’s not done by ME it does NOT get done at all!"  I cried as I said that.

You are probably also very independent too as it sounds, a professional woman.  Imho, I think alot of times when people get used to seeing you just do, just manage very well, they don’t assume we NEED help.  Maybe communicating that is a good idea.

One thing that works well for me is this..call up your girlfriends and have a brunch.  Invite them to brunch.  Before this tell them how you feel and give each a friendly and loving personal call.  At brunch, assign a small task to each bm.  Have a fun "brain storming" and errand run!  Reframing it so it doesn’t seem like work seems to really make friends snap to it I think.  I remember after I moved to my new home 2 years ago (right before I met T)I had several friends reluctantly help me with the move..but after a few "brainstorming" brunches I bought, they were happy to help.  Not hugely, but were considerable in their help.

YOUR wedding is VERY IMPORTANT! It’s going to be wonderful!  Do not let some posters on another board who have not possibly endured as much life experience as you or I or some encore brides have give a flippant opinion.  YOUR wedding is as EQUALLY important as their wedding.  This is why I am so happy our board here exists and why I began my blog as well.  There’s just not enough information out there about this.  And yes we DO EXIST!  And our numbers are more significant than the wedding industry probably is aware of! 

Life happens. It happened to me, and it happened to you.  But it makes your life richer and I know for a fact I love harder, am more fierce and standing up for what I believe in and for those I believe in and that as I just turned 40, I am far more cool of a person than I was at 30.  I’ve L-I-V-E-D.  So have you.  And you are one helluva awesome bride to be. 

We are here to celebrate you and your Fiance and the wedding! You need ideas or support?  Bring it here.  We’re with you on the final stretch!

Many hugs again.  We’re with you. 

Post # 10
29 posts

Your post brought tears to my eyes and I am so sorry to hear that you feel alone during such an exciting time in your life. I will be an encore bride too, and I still want the same things for my second wedding as you do. I have had friends ask me "Why do you need to have another wedding? You’ve already done that." and it shows me that unless someone has been where we are, they simply do not understand. You have every right to want the wedding you’re describing. This is a different time in your life, with a different person, different feelings, and an outcome that will last a lifetime. A celebration worthy of finding your soul mate is exactly what you deserve, no matter your age! And by the way….middle-aged is NOT too old!

I would suggest gently letting your BMs know that you need some help. I think getting them together for a brunch, or even a drink later in the evening to discuss the wedding is a great idea. Instead of assigning them tasks, I would make a list prior to the meeting of the things that you need assistance with. Bring it with you and then let them choose which tasks they can do! This way it’s more of a choice to help than an obligation. Your BMs are probably good friends of yours and despite their busy schedules, they should be able to make some time to be there for you. Be honest with them and let them know that you appreciate them standing up to support you on your big day, but that you are feeling very overwhelmed now that the countdown is coming to an end and you need their support now, too.  

If you decided only about the type of Bridesmaid or Best Man dress, does that mean you still have to choose the actual dress options? If that is the case, I think you should research some dresses online that you like and think would be flattering on your ladies, print them out, and take them with you to your meeting. Have them look at the pictures and decide on a couple of dresses. Then ask them when they can get together with you to go to the store to try them on. If your wedding is only a little over 2 months away, they do need to order them very soon so that they can allow for shipping and alterations.  

Is there anything that your husband-to-be can do to help out?

Above all, do not dread your wedding day! Everyone starts to feel stressed and alone at one point or another, but everything will come together for a perfect day in which you get to marry the love of your life. How EXCITING!!! Your plans sound amazing – I would love to be a guest at a wedding that sounds as fun as yours will be! I am sure that you will forget all about how stressed you are the moment you walk down that aisle and stand next to your new husband. Come on, GET EXCITED!!!!! Woo hoo!!!! YOU are going to be a gorgeous summer bride!!! What is more awesome than that?!!?

And yes….bring yourself to this board whenever you need to. You can complain here, cry here, brag here, dream here, and you can definitely ask for any sort of advice here! I know that I love to look at different options for wedding plans and I love giving my opinion on decor, dresses, music, locations, wedding drama – just about anything! We all genuinely care here because we either are going or have been through many of the same things.

You have an entire hive behind you! You are not alone!! 🙂 

Post # 11
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Well said, ladies!  Whoever told you not to expect help for your wedding is completely off the mark.  I am sending you a big hug and warm wishes. 

Post # 13
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I know how you feel..although it wasn’t a child I lost.  I lost my dad and then a few years after that (2) I lost my grandma on my dad’s side and then right after I felt I’d recovered, I found out my xh cheated on me..repeatedly and we had moved into our dream home and were actively trying for baby 2.  I didn’t know it, but I had gotten pregnant and due to the extreme stress (found out only when I was miscarrying from the doc) lost it. 

Trust me…we have alot of happiness coming our way!  And you’re such a wonderful person.  Your Fiance is lucky to have you and it’s so sweet to share of your heart with God’s creatures.  I love cats..used to have one but I’m allergic.  She has a beautiful home though and is loved very much.  I totally understand what you want.  YOu want a celebration of your new life and moving on.  We celebrate that with you!  This is a new milestone, new chapter in your life beginning and you deserve all the happiness in the world!  Btw, I loved taking botany in college.

Post # 14
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Blue Spurrs — we heart you.  Vent to us 🙂  And make sure to tell your Bridesmaid or Best Man you need a little more support, please!  They will probably (hopefully) swoop to your rescue after a heart felt and honest email or note.  People get really busy with their own lives and sometimes forget how this effects others <3

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