(Closed) 7 months Pregnant: SERIOUS Disagreement with SO on Parenting Skills

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 2
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee

How long have you guys been together? Do you have any means to actually leave if you decided that was the right thing to do? 

You’re going to be fighting a losing battle in a lot of ways. Culture is often a huge part of contention when it comes to raising kids. There are “cultural norms,” which you’re finding out about now. 

I guess my first move would be to compose my thoughts – I’d even write them down. Then figure out how I wanted to confront SO. I wouldn’t talk to him with an audience or the chance of an audience. You need to figure out exactly what you want to communicate and deliver it rationally and as level-headed as possible. If you’re going to get him to understand your side, and then support that, you can’t get “uppity” or defensive about it. He’ll be defensive enough for the both of you. 

If there’s no common ground to be found and no united front to his family, then you have to really think long and hard if this is something you want to do for baby’s entire life. 

Post # 4
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Leave and go to the summer residence offered to you.  TODAY. You’re not married, I presume? If you don’t get out, you will not be parenting your baby at all. Also, get over to the DWIL board at the babycenter website – their advice will be harsh but very very good.

Post # 5
Member
2159 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
seraphina :  If he doesn’t see it then I think you may have no choice but to re-think your relationship and move out, ideally before the baby is born. The first few months of your baby’s life will be difficult enough for you as a mom without having the in-laws in  your face trying to parent on your behalf. I don’t think I can really describe what a life-changing shock parenting was to me and how annoyed I became with my mom and Mother-In-Law when they tried to give me unsollicited advice. And my mom and Mother-In-Law live 2+ hours away by car and are extremely kind helpful unbossy people. Now my boy is 18months old I feel back to my old self and totally relaxed about parenting, but the first few months were a new difficult (and exciting and wonderful) journey for me and my SO and if we hadn’t been on the same page I think our relatipnship would have fallen apart.

What I would be asking in your situation is to move out with your SO to a place where you will be on your own and solely in charge of parenting. Honestly I can’t see any other solution working here. Even if your SO decides to agree with you, once the baby is here he could so easily just bounce back and let his mom take over and then you will be stuck trying to break up with him and move out with a baby while all your inlaws are in your face. I would absolutely 100% be moving out before the baby comes, either with your SO or without him. No way I would accept anything else.

Post # 6
Member
2159 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Also to be honest it doesn’t sound like he’s planning to be a parent to your child at all, in which case you’ll be a single mom regardless of whether you stay with him. In that case it’s preferable to be a single mom in your own place or with help from your own family rather than a single mom fighting a losing battle against intrusive inlaws.

Post # 7
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

This is serious–you should seriously think about leaving because he really isn’t listening to you. 

Also, check the grandparents rights in your state. I know absolutely nothing about this except that if the grandparents have significantly contributed to raising the child, they are more likely to be granted grandparents rights. 

Post # 8
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Honestly this is a HUGE red flag to me. The fact that he doesn’t even seem to be trying to see your point is troubling. I’m a new mom and. Let me tell you there are enough challenges without having an overly involved family. Plus, having yourself and your SO on the same page is essential to surviving those first few months with a newborn.

 

This would be a deal breaker for me. Try to talk to him calmly again, but if he still is not receptive, I would have a contingency plan in the back of your mind. 

Post # 10
Member
626 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like he just dropped this on you without much consideration. How does he see his role as the father?

Post # 11
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

The fact that you two have opposing viewpoints makes this hardest. If you were on the same page setting boundaries would be easier.

You need to consider moving out so you two can raise the baby your way and less interference from his family. 

Post # 12
Member
1702 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

In a lot of cultures, the father’s role is to provide and dote. The grandmas and elderly aunties take over parenting while the mother works (more modern) or has more babies. Many men simply see this as women’s work.  It is very common and likely how he was raised. So, you will be fighting an uphill culture war if you wish to have your child parented differently. My ex-BIL told my very independent mother that raising his child would be ‘her’ responsibility. He meant is with genuine love and affection, but my mom hit the roof. But, you can expect that he will drop your child off with the grandmas and aunties whenever ‘he’ is supposed to be watching her. He will be full of opinions and demands as a father, but will be unwilling to do any of the hard work of parenting. He’ll express how and when the child should be potty trained, but do nothing to make it happen except glower or yell (ok…maybe I’m projecting from my experience a bit). In any case, this is why my ex-BIL is an EX. My sister got tired of his culturally defined nonsense. 

I’m not saying to leave him, but you need to leave ‘them’. The first step is that you can’t be in the same building as them. That will, at least, provide some space and a first step. 

Post # 13
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee

LEAVE. Get a job. This is going to get so much worse, OP. At least he’s doing you the courtesy of telling you first.

Oh, and google DWIL NATION. It will change your life.

Post # 14
Member
11385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Personally I would have a huge problem with anyone thinking they could discipline my child physically. That would be my HTDO, and it would have caused me to flip the f out and leave on the spot. So I definitely get your reaction.

But I also wouldn’t have been with someone with views like this, because it wouldn’t have gone past the first conversation. So I’m trying to approach this with respect for your values and priorities. Is there part of the culture that you agree with but this is your HTDO? If so, and you think you can make this work, tell him you need to move out and lay down the rules re LO. I’d get that agreement in writing. 

 But if you just got a wake up call via your mama bear and realized you don’t share the same values, go to DWIL as other posters suggested, because you need to take action now to protect your LO. 

 

 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
4108 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
seraphina :  Get out of that house and into an empty house if preferable. If your SO won’t come, then leave without him for now. As your daughter’s mother, your absolute RIGHT is to protect her best interests. I’m not saying that your SO’s family is this big, terrible thing to flee from, but if he is explaining how this is going to go down with such an air of…normalcy, I’d be worried. You are her mother and I can almost promise that you will be fighting nonstop with him and his family. 

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