Post # 31
- Wedding: January 2021 - Dracut, Massachusetts
Oh sweet bee.. you already know it’s time to leave. The BS they feed you about being “happy” is just a ploy to keep you on the hook. As many bees say it’s dangling a carrot in front of your face and if you’re a good girl then he’ll propose. F that girl. You’re 29, you want kids. Don’t keep wasting your youth on this jack ass.
Listen, I was with someone for 5 years and I’m annoyed with myself that I was too blind to see what he was doing to me. I wasted so much time and energy on him and he was NOT worth it. I’m glad I finally had to walk away, even though it resulted in living back at home, then at a friends, and then my own apartment. I was a nomad and it sucked for awhile, but I’m happy now. I was single for about a year and half and now I’m in a loving relationship with someone who treats me like an equal (and a queen). We got engaged around the one year mark and we’re getting married in about a 14 months.
Post # 32
Leave him. If he doesn’t want to marry you after 7 years he never will. Don’t waste anymore of your time on him and find someone who will stop at nothing to marry you.
Post # 33
He was very young seven years ago. He preferred to be with you than without you, but that doesn’t equal a life commitment. He would have married you before now if that was where his heart was. But his uncertainty tells you he does NOT want to commit to you. He’s comfortable (for now) which is why he has stayed with you so long. Think about it. He hardly knows what it’s like to be an adult without you. It would be a huge step into the unknown for him to leave this relationship. But his behavior is telling you that he wants to. He wants other things which is why he doesn’t want to commit to this and only this. He needs to experience life on his own for a bit and find his “someone” in his own time. Some people can’t face being alone. They stay until they find the next best thing and move from one relationship directly into the next. Of course that overlap is cheating and that’s what this is headed for. I suspect that you have anxiety about being alone also or you would have moved on by now. Take that step. Walk away. Be single for a while and find your forever someone in your own time. He is not your forever someone. Don’t try to convince him to marry you with arguments or ultimatums, or leave thinking he’ll realize how much you mean to him and then beg you to come back with a ring in his pocket. Any of those options would ultimately end in disaster and how much more of your time, your life, would be wasted? Be strong. Leave.
Post # 34
Firstly… it is horrible and wrong for these women to tell you to just up and leave a man you love and that he will “never” propose if he hasn’t done so yet, because that’s bull. There are millions upon millions of women whose partners take ages to propose, but ultimately do.
If this is serious enough that you’re considering leaving, you owe yourself a very serious conversation with him. I was with my hubby 7 years before we got married. I had all the conversations (which felt serious to me at the time, but they weren’t really honest talks of I’m being real with myself), hinted, nudged and nothing… ultimately I sat him down and gave a (sort of) ultimatum. I told him I wanted to be married in the summer (which was 9 months away), and that we needed to get a move on because I was genuinely unhappy with not being married for so long. Turns out he had ZERO idea that I was growing resentful, and 100% got on board, he suggested we look at rings the next day. He told me that he did want marriage, but that he felt zero pressure for it and just didnt know how important it was for me. As a woman I was asked CONSTANTLY “when are you getting married” yet he barely ever got that question, so I certainly felt the pressure a lot more than he did. After I told him that I was genuinely unhappy, he completely understood and was so sorry for unintentionally making me feel that way.
You need to do what feels right for you, and if leaving feels right, then go. But if you love this man and can genuinely see a life with him, go have the super serious talk. And please, PLEASE stop listening to strangers on the internet, just go do what feels right for YOU. Nobody here knows the intricacies of your relationship, making us unqualified to answer such a serious question.
Post # 35
starwarsbride : she said she has had MANY talks with him about this and his response was they should stop talking about it for a few months until they were ‘happier’. Despite this he isn’t doing anything actively to get closer to wanting to marry her while her resentment is building.
You have an entirely different scenario and it doesn’t really apply to her.
Post # 36
What pp just said. Also, if you were happy with your now husband being totally unaware of your feelings and desires for years until you issued an ultimatum, well, fine. But many women would not be and since OP here, it is clear she is not happy with her scenario .
Post # 37
starwarsbride : it is not “horrible and wrong” for posters to advise OP to leave her bf. It is not up to you to decide what is appropriate for OP’s situation. She can decide what is best for her.
We are all entitled to give our own advice based on our personal experiences. I stand by my advice.
Just because you waited longer than you wanted to and it worked out for you doesn’t mean it will work out for OP. Your situations are not at all the same.
Post # 38
starwarsbride : what would have happened if you had told your now husband, “hunny, ily, I respect you, but it’s clear we want different things. We need to be fair to each other so we can both get what we want out of this very short life. And I want you to have what you want also. Before we waste any more time, I think the fair thing to do would be to go our separate ways.”
My guess, if he loved you, is that he would panic and wouldn’t let you go. So when you’ve already had the conversation, and it’s not going where you want it, you gotta take your power back.
Post # 39
starwarsbride : I disagree completely, and I’m someone who dated my now husband for a long time before we got married (engaged at 7.5 years, married at 9). We started dating very young and had many conversations, but were always on the same page (wanting to graduate first and build our careers). He was always aware of where my mind was, and I knew how he felt. I never felt like I couldn’t discuss our shared future. Even at 20 years old, he told me he saw us getting married at 27 and he proposed at 26. Had I been unhappy with those plans, I would not have hesitated to discuss that with him.
The fact that OP is being told not to even discuss what should be their shared future is a giant red flag that he’s not interested in having a shared future with her that includes marriage. Sure, he’s happy enough now, sharing expenses and enjoying her company, but he’s not working toward building an actual, long term future with her.
I’m very sorry OP, but I would walk. I would have been devastated if my D.H. was acting like this 7 years in, so I do not say it lightly. You deserve someone who is excited about your future together, not dreading these conversations.
Post # 40
starwarsbride : You had many many conversations and your bf had no idea marriage was important to you? lol ok. and you admit you gave an ultimatium.. news flash but most people have no interest in starting a life-long commitment that comes out of an ultimatium/force
You do you but your advice is not of the majority by any means..
Post # 41
OP, first of all, I want to tell you that this is not about your worth. I am so sorry that you feel unworthy. What it is about is a difference of committment. He may see that moving with you, internationally, twice, is a huge sign of committment, but may not value the institution of marriage. OR, he may like feeling like he has no real skin in the game, although you have entangled your lives in a very real way already. Whatever his reason, you deserve to have your needs met, too. If you are unhappy and do not want to continue to live as you are, then I think you have to tell him so and be ready to walk away if he doesn’t share your desire to be married.
I wish you all of the luck in the world, bee.
Post # 42
As you have been promoted to President of Maleness, I would like to ask you a question, if I may. It’s essentially on topic.
In my experience and observation, you’re right, ‘complacent’ says it all. I just read something and would love your take on it. The author said that when a guy does end a relationship, it will have more to do with a whole bunch of little things, rather than one big blow up. Thoughts?
The story about your acquaintance sounds too familiar. Low self esteem and sunk cost fallacy are a terrible combo. Over the inevitable objections of many Bees, I would love to see these women get therapy before they tie themselves to losers.
Post # 43
sassy411 : LOL. Thanks for the nick name.
100% accurate. With men, it’s a BUNCH of little things as to why they want to leave a relationship. Maybe he’s lost interest in her looks. Maybe he’s bored. Maybe he feels like he can’t give her what she deserves. Maybe he’s got low self-confidence. Maybe he’s just an asshole. Anyway. It starts off as one tiny ass snowball. It slowly starts rolling down the hill. Before you know it, it’s this humongous cluster f*** of snow ready to destroy his home. One of the biggest issues (in my opinion) of men is when we don’t talk about how we feel. And wait until the last minute when shit’s about to hit the fan to say anything. That never ends well. Then they want to make sure they dont look like “the bad guy.” Because telling people “I broke up with so and so because I wanted to have sex with other women,” isn’t a good look. So what do many of them do? Like I’ve said before. Find “reasons” to blame the woman as to why their relationship is failing. What’s funny to me is a lot of fellas will go off with a woman they find more attractive, but are way more of a headache than any one they’ve previously been with. *insert face palm emoji*
Post # 44
littleswordfish : I completely understand your situation. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years and am fed up. Back in the summer of 2018, my boyfriend spilled that he bought me a ring. However, I honestly think he never bought it and just said it to get my hopes up. We have had several serious talks within this past year and it’s always, “we have tons of time” or some other excuse. If he does not propose by the end of this year, I plan on having another big talk with him. If it’s the same excuse, I am already prepared to walk because I know I deserve better and not someone who is unsure of their future with me.
In my opinion, anything over 3 years is way too long. The guy already knows whether or not he wants to do it. Try talking to your SO first and have a serious talk. If not, I would set a timeline to yourself for how long you are willing to wait. I know it is tough, but you deserve to have the best and to be with someone who is literally obsessed with the idea of marrying you. Best of luck!
Post # 45
I am sorry you are going through this.
I would be feeling the same if I were you. I’d ask him, “If I’m good enough to live with you for over 6 years, then why I am not good enough to marry you?”
That’s my question to any man who suggests moving in together before marriage (I have no intention to live together before marriage) or suggests we have a child before marriage.