7 years together still no proposal

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1062 posts
Bumble bee

Have you had an open and honest conversation with him? Not one where you ask him when he is going to propose but one where you have an honest conversation about whether he is ready to get married. 

Post # 3
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

What does he mean by “having it under control”? That’s a very dismissive thing for him to say and doesn’t actually make sense, so it’s just a way for him to shut down the conversation. Laughing it off is also dismissive.

One thing that it helps to realize is that it is also in YOUR control what happens with this relationship. You should have a frank conversation with him about what you want. If you need to bring him to a couple’s therapy session to do that and have him listen, then proceed that way. Figure out how much longer you are personally willing for this current situation to go before moving on if nothing changes.

You only stand to lose if you continue to accept him shoving you off when you have reasonable and serious questions about the future. 

I would also think about his behavior surrounding this though. If you feel you can’t speak up about concerns in your relationship because of him brushing you off, it would be a good idea to go to therapy no matter what.

Post # 4
Member
2557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You can’t pressure someone into doing something they want to do. 

This is about more than a proposal, imo. The conversation needs to be bigger than that. A timeline. A five year plan. His views on marriage and starting a family. You desperately need to make sure you’re on the same page, because it doesn’t sound like he’s been taking whatever chats you’ve had about it very seriously. 

What would happen if you said to him: “I want to be married in the next two years. Is a proposal in the next year and a wedding in the next two years something we can agree to?” What if you then insisted on an answer and not allowing yourself to be put off? 

Post # 5
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sounds like you’re well overdue for an actual conversation about marriage. Have you made any concrete plans about timeline and what type of wedding you’d like or what you’d like your married life to be like? Or is it all hypothetical daydreaming? I think you need to stop being coy and worrying about pressuring him and make it clear that you’d like to get married soon. If he doesnt’ react well then you have your answer on his maturity and readiness to get married. If he blames you for pressuring him then you can point out that you’ve waited seven years and it’s not unreasonable to ask the question. If he is able to give you something about why he hasn’t been ready before and what it will take to be ready soon, then you can decide if that’s acceptable to you or if you want to walk away. After seven years, he should know if he wants to marry you. 

Post # 6
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee

Two things.

1) What other people are doing does not even enter into this – everyone has their own right time for dating, getting engaged and getting married, so don’t compare your relationship with others.

2) We are living in 2021 not 1821.  You get to have a say in this.  Stop waiting around for a proposal and talking around marriage and have a serious conversation.  YOU could propose to HIM.  Or if you don’t want to do that, just have a clear discussion.  Something like “We’ve been dating for 7 years now.  I feel like this is long enough to make up our minds about marriage.  I would like to get engaged by x date and married by y date.  How do you feel about that?”  He doesn’t get to laugh it off – if he says ‘don’t worry’ or ‘I have it under control’, you ask him ‘what does that actually mean?’  Asking for a clear statement on where he sees the relationship progressing and in what kind of timeframe is not being ‘pressurising’ or unreasonable.  Frankly his ‘don’t bother your pretty little head about it’ attitude would grate on me!  

Post # 7
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee

Can I ask how old you and your partner are? 7 years is a long time but I guess it just depends on your age. If y’all started dating at 15 and you’re currently 22 years old, this is where the advice I would give would change. 

Post # 8
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

You mentioned that your partner doesn’t seem that bothered about marriage, there is nothing wrong with that I know lots of people who have been together years happily without marriage, but it matters to you, so it’s time for that conversation. Ask him to be honest and upfront and tell him you want to hear his thoughts and feelings not tell you what he thinks you want to hear. 

Post # 9
Member
1277 posts
Bumble bee

Interested to hear your update after you really discuss this with him!

Post # 10
Member
1703 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Sounds like he’s deflecting. I would not tolerate my partner laughing it off or telling me “don’t worry” or he “has it under control” when I’m trying to discuss our MUTUAL future.

Having something under control only refers to things you do on your own. You SHOULD worry about and think about your own future. He’s telling you to leave it all up to him while you wait in the dark. That’s not acceptable. Engagement is something you BOTH have to want and agree on.

If his employer asked him when he’s getting a job done, do you think he’d laugh it off? Tell them not to worry? Tell them he has it under control, then take no action for years?

If he won’t have a serious conversation about what he sees for the two of you long term, then he doesn’t see a long term future for you. It’s your life too. You should know

Stop asking when he’s going to propose. Ask if he ever sees the two of you married. By when? Then work backwards. How long of an engagement does he want? So that means you should formalize your engagement and a ring by x date.

Post # 11
Member
686 posts
Busy bee

Sit him down and have a talk about marriage, and ask him whether he wants to get married and on what timeline.  Then share your timeline with him.  See if a compromise can be made that reconciles the difference between your timelines, and mutually decide to get engaged.  Don’t worry about a proposal or a ring.  You have the power to have this conversation, you can initiate it without waiting for him.

However, don’t worry about others getting engaged.  Things happen on different timeframes and it happening for one person at one point in the relationship doesn’t mean that the same time is right for another person.  Think about how long it took you to have sex in various relationships vs. others.

Post # 12
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

If he wanted to marry you, he certainly would have by now.   It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, it means he’s one of those men who inexplicably don’t want to marry or are afraid to marry.  But he has been stringing you along for years saying he’s going to marry you.  His actions don’t match his words.   I would think carefully about whether I actually want to marry someone who’s not a man of his word.

Post # 13
Member
10526 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@Beckyyyre:  

I feel as if l have seen this exact post before…..if not it must be a near-identical one . I can say nothing that pps have not said, except to reiterate my disappointment and sorrow that here we are in 2021 and the notion that men decide when and how they bestow their apparently ineffable gift of marriage upon waiting women is still alive and well.  

Yes indeed it is time for a conversation OP, a brisk one where you outline exactly what you want and make clear that despite your past passivivilty you intend to be half of this and every process from now on.  If he freaks out and tells you he won’t be pressured tell him fine, pressures off and so are you. 

Post # 14
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

If I asked my adult romantic partner to involve me in any brainstorming or consideration of or decisions about our MUTUAL FUTURE, and he LAUGHED IT OFF?

I’d be done.

This is not healthy, mature communication. You are coming to him with a problem and asking him to meet you halfway, and he isn’t doing that.

My husband never once laughed it off when WE discussed OUR future TOGETHER.

Do you see how I worded that? Can you use the same phrasing? If not, time for a come to Jesus. You don’t have to be a backseat driver in your own life. Take your control back. Use your voice and your agency. It’s 2021. 

Post # 15
Member
5339 posts
Bee Keeper

Forget the idea of pressuring, there is no such thing. Telling your boyfriend that it’s been 7 years and you want to be engaged is called being open and honest. Him telling you that he has it “under control” is the opposite: vague and closed. 

Stop accepting his brush-off of your very real need. Don’t waste your 20s on a man who doesn’t value you as much as you value him. He knows you want to be engaged and is doing nothing about it; his inaction speaks quite clearly that he doesn’t want to marry you. Only you can determine how long you can endure this. 

To be clear: I am not telling you to break up with the guy, but I am telling you that the vagueness and lack of action on his part is a sign that marriage to you is not a priority for him. 

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