7 years together still no proposal

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
1973 posts
Buzzing bee

Bee, I get the sense that you aren’t being as direct as you could be. I get the sense that you’re afraid to rock the boat because you’re scared to hear what he will say if you press the issue.

But think about it: wouldn’t you rather know now if he doesn’t want to marry you? As painful as that is, at least you wouldn’t be wondering painfully in limbo. And wouldn’t you rather know now that he wants to marry you if that’s the case? You could establish a solid timeline for engagement and marriage.

Please don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself. Do not let him intimidate you. If he’s the right man for you then he should welcome conversations about the future. And if he gets defensive then that’s going to force you to make a difficult decision but it’s better to be armed with that information now than later.

It’s time to sit down and have a discussion. If he brushes you off again, tell him, “your dismissive attitude is unacceptable. This is my future too and I have every right to know what our future plans are. If you love me and want to be with me you should be happy to discuss the future with me. I want to get engaged by x time and married by y year. What are your thoughts on that?”

Do not let the conversation end without a firm answer. If he refuses to discuss your future then that tells you everything you need to know.

Do not be bullied into silence. You are a strong woman with a right to know where your future is headed. It’s time to be a boss lady and take control of your future! 

I know it’s scary to talk about it but it’s better to get on the same page now than later. You don’t want to waste years of your life unhappy in limbo. Don’t let this guy stand in your way of getting what you want- if he doesn’t want to marry you a better man will! If that’s the case, of course it will hurt but he needs to get out of the way so you can be available for the right guy for you 

You can do it OP! Be strong 

Post # 17
Member
377 posts
Helper bee

Not to be blunt but he does have it “under control” .. control being, he is in the driver’s seat dictating the terms and timeline of your future. The good news is, you are here asking for advice so you aren’t cool with that (and you have every right to be an equal partner in your joint future!) 

Sit him down. Tell him seven years is enough to know all there is to know about you and that you would like to move forward into engagement and marriage, both by FY22. You survived a global pandemic. You didn’t survive it to wait on any man or any facet of life to come to you. Take your control back. <3

Post # 18
Member
798 posts
Busy bee

You need a proper conversation with your boyfriend that ends in a definite timeline you have both agreed on. This is your life and your future so you should be taking a hand in it. Not waiting around for vague agreements or letting him away with making excuses. 

Don’t let him deflect, you need serious answers one way or another so you know if he’s just wasting your time or not. If he  laughs tell him not to laugh you want an answer, if he says ‘oh don’t worry I have it under control’ tell him that is not good enough and you want a proper answer, a date for engagement and marriage and nothing else will do. 

Don’t be one bit surprised if he suddenly announces he had a proposal planned all along for this weekend and now you’ve gone and ruined it so he can’t propose. Some men pull this stunt when their gf’s start taking control of their own lives. 

Don’t be afraid to walk away from this if he’s stalling and doesn’t want to get married. He isn’t your last chance in life or your only option. 7 years is a long time to invest in a relationship but it’s an even longer time to waste if this guy doesn’t want to get married and is just dragging his feet.

Post # 19
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Oh he does have it under control… he has you thinking you’ll look crazy for expecting commitment from him after 7 years together and 2 living together. He’s managed to spend YEARS deflecting and letting you waste your remaining youth thinking he is going to propose when it very likely isn’t going to happen – he’s just kicking the can down the road. A man who hasn’t proposed in 7 years and isn’t willing to have a serious discussion about it is not interested in marrying you. Decide now whether you are willing to continue being unmarried and with him, or if you want to leave and find someone you love who has the same relationship goals and plans as you do.

Post # 20
Member
17 posts
Newbee

This is really difficult, but I think you need to take the bull by the horns (nicely) and talk to him about it.  I think you need to communicate in a very adult way that you would like to know what is happening in your relationship in the future, and that your wish is to get married.  If you get laughed off again and he dismisses you I would honestly start considering my options.

I’m not saying this lightly, I’m saying it because if you really want to get married and this guy is kicking the can down the road all the time then it needs to be addressed seriously.  Have you bought a house or rented? If you’ve rented then I would look at when your lease is up and consider floating the idea of living seperately.  I truly believe that these days it is absolutely ridiculous for men to think that they can have a wife without the investment, and that is why I will never live with a man again unless i’m married, I know that i want that for my life and I just don’t see the point of living with someone unless it’s actually going somewhere that meets the goals I have – and my partners have to match up.

I guess that it is an ultimatum really isn’t it, but don’t float it like that – but if he doesn’t want to move it forward you have the right to state that you don’t wish to be in domestic unwedded bliss if that is not what you want.

Post # 21
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

He’s got it under control? Is that how it works between the two of you?  I agree with many others on here, it’s time that you take control and have that talk. Here’s an idea to start that conversation, pick a day on the calendar that you would love to be married on. Tell him your getting married on that date and ask him if he’d like to join you. After 7 years it’s time for you to take the reins perhaps.   

Post # 22
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee

I doubt OP is coming back. She’s hasn’t updated since she made the post. 

Post # 23
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

My husband’s parents were never married and, for him, marriage wasn’t that big a deal. He and I both grew up in non-traditional family constellations and had both seen/experienced that there are many different ways to make a family. I initially felt the same about marriage and legal ties (I was actually more opposed to marriage than he was) when we first got together and then, a few years later, my perspective completely changed and it became important to me that we were married. Once we discussed it (and I pointed out that if he still didn’t care about marriage either way, then he should be fine with getting married since it now WAS important to me), he proposed within a few months.

I say all of that to say that if your SO wanted to marry you (or if what you wanted was important to him since he’s fine either way), you would be engaged. Him dismissing your feelings is not okay. Him telling you he’s “got it under control” but with no actual forward momentum is not okay.

At this point, in your position, I would let him know that I need clarity about where we are and what we’re doing and that putting it off is no longer an option for me. I would also start making other life plans in case you do need to break up with him (so you have another life to step into). It’s hard to leave after 7 years, but it will be even harder if you continue to stay in limbo and feeling powerless in what should be a partnership.

In my situation, I was clear that I wasn’t planning to leave if my SO and I did not get married because we’d (deliberately) had a child together, and I was happy with us being a family as we were. However, I was also clear that I wasn’t having any more children and I would be continuing to keep all of our finances completely separate (I bought a house by myself, in my own name during that time) – I wasn’t willing to take on wife burdens for a boyfriend.

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