7 years, ultimatums, need support/advice

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

Why are you willing to compromise so much for this guy? Why would he marry you at this point? You’ve been with him all this time, no matter what you really want. You keep saying you don’t want a ring or a wedding because you are trying to convince yourself of it since you are really afraid it won’t happen. 

You are not too old to find a guy who is excited to marry you. One who you are actually excited to marry, since you say  yourself you aren’t excited to marry this one anymore.

Break this habit of a relationship and move on. He’ll try the emotional BS again, but it’s only because he has it made, regardless of your feelings. It’s time for your feelings to matter.

Post # 3
213 posts
Helper bee

How does this relationship benefit you? He wants a prenup but only on his terms, he won’t give you alimony if you divorce- which is ridiculous, he won’t even buy you a $5k ring but he makes $400k/year and has a nice $10k watch. He sounds extremely selfish and is just stringing you along. I’m not usually one of these aggressive bees whose first inclination is to say “Leave him”!, except for now- leave him, I don’t think he wants to marry you. 

Post # 5
2203 posts
Buzzing bee

mc77 :  there’s nothing more you can do or could have done. you can give a man the world and bend to his desires until you’ve tied yourself into a human pretzel, and that is still not enough to make him commit to you if he doesn’t want to. in fact, it shows him that you’re willing to settle for his crumbs while you’re fulfilling his desires for companionship, sex, and emotional comfort. 

this man is a user and a fucking piece of shit for wasting your time and emotional energy like he has. he’s selfish and unconcerned about your wellbeing. 

its time for you to do some soul-searching to find out why you’ve been settling for someone like this for 7 years. I can tell that you’re fed up, and resentment has its claws in your soul. the day you leave this guy is the day you make yourself available to the man who cannot WAIT to call you his wife—no strings attached, no procrastination, and no bullshit. 

Post # 6
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

I think prenups are reasonable. I like them. When we married, hubs and I weren’t making much and both of us had a boatload of student debt. However, we’re also in fields where our fortunes could change on a dime – indeed, I’m making a lot more now than I was even six months ago. I don’t like thinking about divorce anymore than I like thinking about getting in a car accident, but I still wear my seatbelt.

That said, you need your own lawyer.

You shouldn’t be doing all the arguing about the prenup language while his lawyer comes up with new drafts. You should be able to express your wishes to your lawyer, that person communicates with his lawyer, and between the two of them they come up with several options that protect you BOTH.

I think blowing through several ultimatums was a mistake. I’m usually a believer that when you’ve reached ultimatum territory (vs. internal walk dates) your relationship is already broken, but what are the ultimatums teaching him? That you’re all bluster, he can’t take you seriously, and your needs don’t matter … people treat us how we allow them to.

So here you are: he’s trying to take economic advantage of you with the prenup, you’ve both skipped over several ultimatums, your be-all-end-all final timeline was ignored, and you’re saying you wouldn’t accept a ring from him now anyway.

Are you sure this is the relationship you want to be in?

Like, really deep down?

Maybe it is. Maybe this is a rough patch, and the two of you can do some premarital counseling with a neutral third party who can help you reconnect to why you wanted to do all this bother to begin with. Or … maybe it’s not, at which point plotting your exit strategy with seriousness and intent is a better idea. Either way, the wishing/hoping/waiting part of this relationship is over. It’s time for action.

Post # 8
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

mc77 :  If you can’t even compromise on the big points quietly among yourselves, it may be time to work backwards and go to counseling. These are pretty big concerns. I’m not saying break up right now, but are you sure you’ll be compatible in the long run? Just a thought.

Post # 10
10456 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mc77 :  

Let’s deal with the prenup first:  don’t even think about signing one until your own, completely independent attorney has reviewed it.  It’s not even in play until a a lawyer of your choice has a chance to go over it.

Prenups fail often when one party tries to enforce one against the other party. And it’s generally it scenarios exactly like yours.  Some states now have their own statutes regarding prenups.  Your lawyer will know. That’s why in some states, the courts won’t even uphold a prenup unless both parties were represented by independent counsel.

One thing to understand about prenups is; that in the event of divorce, you have surrendered your community property rights. The assets will be divided under contract law, not community property law. That is, if the prenup is upheld.

The essence of contract law is that contracts are presumed to be arm’s length transactions, with equality of bargaining power. That is frequently not the case with prenups, once you get outside of Hollywood.

So, whatever else you decide, please slow your roll on the prenup and get with a qualified divorce lawyer.

Wait, Bee.  Am I getting this right?  The only attorney you have talked to thus far is one that your bf found?

I would step away from that and find a complete outsider.  IMO, you negotiating directly with your bf at this point is not really in your best interests at this point.  You are not really on equal footing.



Post # 12
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think the point people are making re you having a lawyer is that you could then give your ‘wants & needs’ directly to the lawyer who would talk to his lawyer.  Then an unbiased person could reasonably try to work out what is fair and legal.  Therefore keeping the ugly negotiations and resulting resentment away from the two of you.  

That said, it sounds like significant resentment is already (and justifiably) building inside you.  There has been some unhealthy handling of conflict and some disrespect from him about your needs – he does sound a bit selfish to be honest.  Would he go to couples counselling?

Post # 13
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

After 7 years you just want him to want to marry you. To take initiative, to want to buy you a nice ring, to want to propose. To spend at least as much on you as he would himself. To put in effort. You want to feel valued and appreciated and loved and thought of.

When we first got together FH would talk about what his friends spent on their wives rings and say it was ridiculous. 3 years later he didn’t bat an eye and coincidentally ended up spending more than they did. It’s not wrong to want that!

You feel like you are the one propelling the relationship forward and questioning if you should be. Seems perfectly normal to me.

Post # 14
1670 posts
Bumble bee

What’s on you is your failure to walk away years ago. You resent him because he isn’t demonstrating that he loves you the way you want him to. 

. Someone who seems otherwise excited to marry you (proposes without being dragged, proposes at all, etc.) who wants a prenup is just being prudent. I’m all for prenups, but I find his current request to be a red flag in context

He seriously seems to worry that you’re going to suck his money away from him, but accoridng to you you don’t have terrible spending habits, so what gives? Either you’re more awful with your money than you’re admitting to us, or he’s not generous towards you at all. 

If that was all that was standing in the way, he would’ve done it sooner.  Called lawyers who wouldn’t get back to him? He would have followed up. 

Post # 15
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

mc77 :  I am very sorry you are dealing with this. I am a psychologist so I tend to side with the “work on things, go to counseling, people change” mentality bc I do see change all the time. However, the only thing I could think of when reading your post is that it is time to leave. I’m sorry, I do not think it was 7 years wasted, it was 7 years of loving someone and learning what you want and don’t want I’m your next relationship. I am positive you will never spend this much time (probably not even half the time) in a relationship that is not moving toward marriage in the future. You will meet someone who can’t wait to call you his wife and will buy you a ring he can comfortably afford. I’m sorry, I also do not buy designer clothes, wear a lot of jewelry and I drive a Hyundai but when it came to looking at diamonds, I asked my fiancé what his budget was (he makes close to what your bfriend makes) and when he said $20k, I thought “omg!!! I can get my dream diamond” we looked at sizes and shapes and did not want to know any more bc I wanted an element of surprise. That man when more than 10k over his budget bc he wanted me to have something nicer. I asked him why he went over and he said he has the money and this is a forever purchase so it’s worth it, you will find someone that will do this for you. It’s not about the amount either, you deserve someone who wants to make you happy!!! Please move on and keep us posted 

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