7 years, ultimatums, need support/advice

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
783 posts
Busy bee

Go ahead and don’t worry anymore about the prenup, bee. There is virtually zero risk of you two divorcing.

Because that would mean he’d actually have to marry you first. Willingly.

You feel like this is all wrong because it is- You are dragging him through this, no doubt.

And bee, you are not stupid! You are just having a hard time leaving a situation you invested almost a decade in. I get it.

But if you continue to force him along in this process, you are going to continue to feel like shit. And that isn’t ever going to magically go away. 

I think you already know the answer. It’s just so hard to pull the trigger. 

But know this: It’s okay to move on without him if that’s what you choose to do. There WILL be love after this. And you CAN find someone who will be too happy to propose to you and will be excited about it! Isn’t that what you want?

 

Post # 17
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

You are one of the most fortunate women alive. You have avoided making vows with someone that doesn’t mean them. Pack up, move closer to your job, and shake the dust of this experience off your shoes. 

There is someone out there that will want you so much that he would give up his 10k watch so you could have a ring you want. A man that will be proud to provide for his wife and children. A man who would lay down his life for you. 

Avoiding this is a blessing. I wish you the best of luck and many happy years finding and marrying the love of your life. 

Post # 18
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You know why you didn’t look over that prenup.  It’s wasnt because you were THAT busy, it’s because it’s too painful.  Not the prenup, but the fact that you had to threaten, threaten, threaten while he threw you scraps and you knew deep down this prenup was just another scrap and you’re tired of being fed scraps by your BEST FRIEND!!!

Let’s put this all together.  Your best friend, the person who says they want you as a life partner, has lied to you over and over again.  Has watched you get upset, cry, beg, to give you something he says he wants to give you.  Would you ever do that to your best friend?  In what circumstance would you ever do that?  Maybe when you don’t want to lose your best friend but giving that person what they want is something you want to avoid at all costs.

Don’t leave him because he won’t marry you, don’t even leave him because he’s a liar, leave because he cares more about being unmarried AND keeping his same lifestyle than he is putting your best interests at heart-which is letting you go because he loves you enough to want you to have what you want.

Post # 19
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

mc77 :  

I actually just joined this site because I’m getting ready to write my own post about not being engaged yet to my boyfriend. I’m younger than you though and there are a lot of differences between our stories but I also see some similarities as well. My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts, been together for almost 6 and a half years and living together for 5 and a half. It all started 2 years ago when I pressed him about saving up for a ring, which he did last summer and got me a $4,000 ring that I picked out online and it was finished in September (I only knew because he told me and even told me when he had it set and I didn’t even wanna know because I wanted it to be a surprise). He also got my dads blessing that same month. He has the ring but he still won’t propose! 🙁 He makes only $36,000 a year so the fact that he saved the money showed that he wanted to marry me and that’s why I’m still here today but my feelings started to change when he said he would propose by the end of 2018 and it never happened. He knows how much I want to be engaged and to start planning our wedding already. We even have a year (Summer 2021) and he knows that I want at least 2 years to plan the wedding and I have brought up the idea of just skipping the proposal and having a courthouse wedding right away but he says no. Between September and now he has missed about a hundred opportunities to propose. We go out a lot and I told him it doesn’t have to be some over the top proposal. He doesn’t really like to talk about marriage or kids unless I bring it up first but he says that’s what he wants. He’s a guy that doesn’t like to talk about his feelings or the future but he does show how much he loves me and he’s been very devoted to me over the years. He’s just very slow at proposing but it makes me so angry and depressed because I have no control over the situation. I cry about it a lot and I express my feelings to him all the time but it’s like he doesn’t take me seriously. I have mentioned leaving him and he loses it and gets emotional and says to just wait. I started to resent him a little and I feel like I may resent the ring once it’s on my finger because of all the stuff that’s been happening between now and September. I’m scared that it will give me bad feelings just by looking at it. I always thought I would have this nice romantic proposal, but now it feels like it will only be happening because I’ve been pressuring him, even though he says I’m not and that he wants to do it. I originally wanted it to be a surprise but now I know it probably won’t happen that way. I’ve been bringing it up ever other week and I said a lot of messed up things. I don’t want to ruin the proposal by proposing to him with my own ring which some people have suggested I do. I know where the ring is at. I saw the box, and touched the ring without looking at it. I don’t want to take that moment away from him by being the one to propose. He has said he wants to do it whenever I bring it up and always says “it’s going to happen”. I too just like you feel like I’m dragging him along and that he’s going to propose just because I’ve been begging so much for it. I always wonder what would happen if he never bought the ring and how long it would’ve taken then being that he’s almost had it for a year and has done nothing. Your situation is so different because it involves money. I’m with my high school sweetheart so everything we have we’ve built together and there will be no prenup. Something that may help you is the Mr. Bee 3 step plan, it’s very old though. I just started it, you should too. Give it some more time. You want to make sure your man doesn’t have a proposal planned and is just trying to throw you off. Then eventually you have to make a real ultimatum and stick to it. Leave him. If he comes back to you then you’ll know it’s meant to be. There are guys who propose after just a few months or a few years. If only our men could be like that. We love them, they love us, but we can’t wait around forever! 

Post # 20
Member
845 posts
Busy bee

If you’re afraid to express your wants and desires, this is not the relationship for you, Bee.  You should be with someone who wants to marry you.  It should be balanced, mutual, and easy.  Please stop torturing yourself.

Post # 21
Member
2372 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

mc77 :  I really don’t see any reason why you’re with this guy. 

He has no interest in making more of a commitment to you. He can’t even discuss it like an adult. He has more interest talking about prenups than marriage. He keeps missing timelines. He has a 10k watch but won’t get you a ring for more than 5k. 

Honestly though, if I were in my 30s, there’s no way I would wait more than 2 years for a proposal. This guy just doesnt want to marry you. He has been with you for a long time (that in itself should be enough) but he also has lived with you for 2 years. If he isn’t ready now, he won’t be. 

At this point you need to decide if you are willing to stay with him and not get married. There’s no right or wrong answer, but personally, I would never want to marry someone so selfish. 

Post # 22
Member
8046 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

everlastinglove :  

Just re-read your own post and ask yourself , if this  was someone else’s s  story, would I think that guy was serious about  marriage?  I think not . 

EG He has said he wants to do it  whenever I bring it up and always says “it’s going to happen”. I too just like you feel like I’m dragging him along and that he’s going to propose just because I’ve been begging so much for it.  

You and OP need to accept that  these guys are not The Ones ,  love them or not . Both of you need to stiffen  your backbones and regain  some   pride in yourselves instead of this  passive  waiting and grovelling  and hoping  and wishing and crying and being fobbed off  with crumbs.  

Post # 23
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

everlastinglove :  Gotta agree with pp here bee.  You and OP need to take an active approach to planning your futures instead of allowing your SO to be the sole decider.  Last time I checked your future planning is YOUR JOB not someone elses.

You are both active participants in your own misery.  So figure out exactly what your needs, expectations & dealbreakers are and have the hard come to jesus talk with your SO’s.  Have an agreed upon timeline and a walk date and this time FOLLOW THRU and stick with that decision.

Both of you have been actively avoiding getting clear, concise answers…..you are doing yourselves a major disservice and wasting your own time all to avoid possibly hearing something you don’t want to hear.  There are guys out there who would be excited to marry you if only you’d get out of your own way.

Stop being so passive and take control of your own futures.  Good luck

Post # 24
Member
548 posts
Busy bee

Why are you so desperate to marry a man that makes every excuse in the book NOT to marry you. 

That’s not the kind of man you should be spending any more time on.

Post # 25
Member
541 posts
Busy bee

mc77 :  

There are 7.5 billion people in the world. Half of them are men. Somewhere there is a man (many men, actually) who has this guy’s good qualities but is commitment and marriage oriented. Why do you want to make this so hard on yourself?

You are not the one actively causing this relationship to stall and to fail to move toward marriage. He is doing that, and it is causing you hurt and frustration and resentment. But by staying, you are condoning the path that this relationship is on. You are consenting by your mere presence in it.

You could keep pushing and pushing and giving more ultimatums, but honestly, why would you want to do that at this point? It’s got to be a pretty miserable way to be in a relationship. And if you think that resentment is just going to magically evaporate when you get the engagement and get married, think again. It will follow you into your marriage and affect other things that you do as a couple because the fact is, if you have had to push him this hard to marry you, something in your relationship is seriously wrong.

As to whether or not you could have done anything differently, we can’t possibly answer that. It’s hard to say how good or bad your relationship is and whether that has affected his decision. But I think the likelihood is that the two of you are just not that compatible, either in terms of goals and values or personalities, or both.

How much more time and heartache are you willing to throw at this relationship? Set yourself a date, and if there is no progress by then (on his part, not just you pushing things along), it’s time to leave. Life is too short.

Post # 26
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

 I really and truly am not stupid and reading this makes me feel like an idiot.

You’re not stupid, sometimes we see the world with rose colored glasses on. You’re 36 and still young, I honestly think you need to leave him and find someone else- especially if you want kids. There’s still time, my mom had me at 39. Don’t waste anymore time with this toxic guy.

Post # 27
Member
541 posts
Busy bee

mc77 :  I do understand feeling torn and undecided in a relationship, you don’t want to look back with regret and wonder how things may have turned out if you’d given it a second chance. 

BUT- you did give it a second chance. Last August was the second chance for your relationship when you were going to leave and he begged you not to. 

Almost losing you should have been his wake up call, should have let him know how damaging his actions, or inaction, was to the relationship, should have inspired self-reflection, change, action on his part. But it didn’t. He didn’t want to lose you so he told you what you wanted to hear, gave you just barely enough to make you stay. But you stayed under his false pretenses, he didn’t keep his word, he didn’t change, he didn’t do anything to fix the situation- only throw excuses at it and try to buy himself some time. 

You’ve given him a second chance, and a third, and a fourth and a fifth. And he’s taken advantage of this every time. I’m sorry, but it’s not even about pre-nups or rings or anything at this point, it’s about finding the strength to know when to let go. You’ve tried your best, you’ve given it your all. If you walk away I doubt you’ll regret it in the long run, if you have any regrets it’ll likely be that you didn’t walk away sooner. I’m sorry Bee. 

Post # 28
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

I think OP you need to take control of this entire situation. I think you need to address what is making you so fearful to end this relationship. I mean literally make a list. Being 34 myself and hearing you say you want kids i can imagine your fertility is at the top of that fear list. So make yourself an appointment with a fertility specialist and get yourself checked out. Find out what your egg count is, how your fertility looks right now. If you need to freeze your eggs now, ask those questions. But seriously OP you need to arm yourself with facts to combat each fear on your list. I think you will also find two categories of fears. Fears that relate to you thinking if you move on from him you won’t find someone else, or will run into obstacles at having to start over. And fears about the logistics of moving out, financial etc. 

Go through each fear and actually list out what is involved and get all the info you can about it. You need to see that each fear is something you can and will handle just fine on your own. The fear is never as bad as the reality. Once you have all the info you need about what steps you will need to take if you break up, you will feel so much more empowered and able to make that decision because you wont be staying with him based on some vague fears. Instead you will know your options, know what happens if you break up with him and have to move forward. Start with that OP. Take your power back. And no matter WHAT you need to know that it is a FACT that there are other people out there for you if this isn’t right for you. I have experienced that, as have many bees on here. So each time that particular fear shows up in your thought you can tell it to fuck right off. 

 

Post # 29
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

mc77 :  sorry but I have to agree with the other ladies. This guy isn’t keen to marry you. He’s dragging his feet and offering to spend $5k on a ring is stingy and ridiculous given his income. You will (hopefully) wear that ring on your hand for the rest of your life. He should want you to love it.

The prenup talk is gross too, particularly since he’s dragging his feet and cheaping out on the ring. All of this signals that he’s not expecting this to last and the two of you are not building a life together. I don’t know that you can save this sinking ship. Sorry OP 😕

Post # 30
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

mc77 :  I don’t understand why you want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you. If/when you do get married, you’re not going to look back on any of this in a positive light. I’m totally on board with a pre-nup, but look at how much work is going into this so that you have to protect yourself. I mean…it’s as if you know he’s going to screw you over. 

Please treat him as a sunk cost. Why spend the rest of your life trying to chain someone to be with you? You deserve someone who wants to be with you and who will take the initiative to make you his wife. 

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