7 years, ultimatums, need support/advice

posted 5 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee

Lot’s of people addressed the marriage prenup already so I will skip over that.  I can’t imagine waiting 7 good years with someone who doesn’t want to marry me.  I tried this before and was done after 3 years.  Someone should want to marry you or they will constantly resent you and look for ways to sabotage this relationship.

Also you could avoid the long commute by moving 5 minutes from your job.  You will then have 2 extra hours a day to find someone new…

Post # 32
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

“It’s hard to throw away 7 years”

Umm… you are NOT throwing away seven years. They already happened. They are done and gone. You are purposely making a decision to waste the forthcoming seven years AND THEN SOME.

I have a bad feeling about this one. And believe me, even if you sign that joke of a pre-nup, he will still make your life a nightmare when/if you do end up divorcing because he has the power of money to do so. Then these seven years won’t seem so bad.

I have had a similar problem, and I regret it everyday the wrong decision I made to marry that ex-hole. I don’t want you to go through what I am going through.

Post # 34
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

Bee, you keep saying you don’t want a ring, and you came up with a lot of reasons why it was okay to finally admit you wanted a lovely 2k stone. 

There’s. Nothing. Wrong. With wanting an engagement ring. Nothing. 

That guilt, whatever it is that had you feel you don’t deserve, or needed to backpedal and keep saying you didn’t want a ring – that’s the first place to begin. 

I am a full decade older than you, and I just met my future husband. He proposed with a beautiful diamond and ruby ring – a ring better than anything I’d ever dreamed. 

I have been “engaged” before, but with no proposals and no ring. And let me tell you, ultimately it feels shitty. It’s fine if you actually don’t wear or want rings, but that’s not what I am hearing. 

Your language is that you’d resent a ring that didn’t cost him even half what he paid for his watch (and I don’t blame you. That’s not a good sign. It’s not about dollar amounts, it’s about how much thought and care go toward YOU in that symbol that you’ll wear the rest of your life.) your language is that you are sad the magic you dreamed of simply isn’t there. 

Listen, sweet bee. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you have to grab at crumbs from the table because you’re x-years-old. At any age, this is YOUR life, and you deserve to be the guest of honor at the banquet. 

At a decade older than you, I do remember thinking I was “old” a decade ago, and putting up with crap from a man who did not deserve me… and I cannot express how glad I am that I didn’t stay, and didn’t compromise. 

There may be some lonely years ahead where you find your feet again, and there may be some temptation to go back to him just to fill that void, but remember this: if the emptiness by your side is filled with him, you WILL NOT be able to find the one who fills it with joy and with caring and generosity. 

You’ll be accepting crumbs for the rest of your life if you accept crumbs. 

Let the emptiness be there. Discover yourself. Become interested in yourself. Be your own best life partner. Meet the woman you are, and love her until you KNOW she deserves a beautiful engagement ring. 

I am looking toward marriage with a man who protects and wishes to provide for me. We have our troubles and squabbles, yes, but he wishes, above all, to see me happy – it makes him very happy- and he tries his best to take good care of me. That has me resentment-free, and I am good to him without it being (like it was in the past) a feeling that I was pouring from an empty well. 

I know we each need to be responsible for our own happiness and for filling our own well, etc, but it REALLY doesn’t hurt to have a partner who helps and cares – because life can get rocky. 

The man you find may not be the most wealthy – mine isn’t yet, but he’s building- the stone he may be able to provide may not be your dream 2ct, but believe me when I tell you this: when you know your man moved mountains and worked his butt off to create or find a ring for YOU, just for you, and then got on one knee to ask you to give him your hand in marriage, that ring becomes magic – no matter what size. 

Stop saying you don’t want a ring. Hear your inner self that is saying she does. Acknowledge her. You deserve a ring and you deserve a love, not a business deal, NOT a man who thinks he’s cute with prenups. 

 

He sounds so egotistical. You deserve so much better, bee. Go love your life! 

Post # 35
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

Ps. Regret and what-ifs can be tackled like this: 

write down every crazy, lovely thing that your imaginary love would be like. 

Narrow it down to non-negotiables, things you must have in a partner. 

Now, write down everything In this man that is breaking your non-negotiables. Be honest with yourself. 

Write down the things that hurt. In fact, maybe just re-read your post here! 

yeah, there will be great memories and there will be a time of idealizing him, because it’s a stage of grief, but be strong- your future self deserves it 😉  

 

Oddly enough, toxic relationships are much harder to leave.  

 

 

Oh! And pps. All this advice is crap if you still laugh a lot with this man. Do you guys laugh a whole lot? Share the same jokes? Understand each other’s humor? Play regularly?

then there’s hope 

Post # 36
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

mc77 :  Glad that was helpful! I know for me, listing my fears and seeing them on paper always made me realize that they weren’t that bad afterall and I could take charge. Good news about the kids portion of it. I think without knowing too much about you and being 34 myself I would find that my biggest fear in moving on and starting over trying to find a new partner. So glad that isn’t something holding you back. 

I think regret is normal. But I also think you should really be honest with yourself about the actual feelings going on. Is it really a fear of regret? Or  fear of lack? Are you just afraid that there are a lack of people out there to which you can be compatible with? Because you know that isn’t true. I have seen it so many times, someone thinks a person is their person, but then move on and find someone else who they are happier with. And addresing the idea of regret specifically, it can go both ways. You could look back in 10 years and have deep regret that you wasted even more of your own time on someone who wasn’t a good fit for you. 

I think the fact that you are even still looking to your past relationships with regret that they didn’t work out, is a sign you aren’t with the right guy right now. I myself went through that experience. When I didn’t feel like I had someone who truly made me happy, was a healthy partner, and had good potential, i often looked back to past relationships and regretted they ended and day dreamed about what could have been. It was never about those people, or about those relationsihps. It was me trying to hold on to a feeling that I didn’t think I had experienced since that person. This is all about you and your feelings if you look closely enough. 

Just be honest with yourself about this current relationship. Are you truely, honestly happy? Is this relationship enough for you? If this is how it would be for the rest of your life, is that ok? Do you feel supported and loved and cherished? Listen to your gut. 

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