70-year-old mentally ill dad has a 19-year-old girlfriend

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
710 posts
Busy bee

Oh my god, I’m so sorry. And yes, I can totally understand why you may be seen as a troll had you not used this account. I wish I could give you hugs right now. I guess all I can say right now is focus on the wonderful family you do have right now: your husband and your daughter. And your father in law. Again, I’m SO sorry. But this man is NOT someone you should have around your daughter. 

Post # 3
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

It’s not your dad’s fault, but he’s very unstable. He really should not be around you or your family anymore. You grew up wanting to take care of him, which is very scary and an awful burden, but I would not want anyone else I love to suffer that. In the end, family is only as good as they treat you.

Post # 4
Member
11351 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
is_a_belle :  

Bee, I am so sorry you’re going through this.  Have you considered speaking with an attorney about getting the court to appoint a guardian for your father?  He sounds quite ill and if these women are taking advantage financially, he needs to be protected.  Perhaps his brother would be a good candidate for guardianship?

 

Post # 5
Member
3473 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
is_a_belle :  You could try to file for guardianship and petition to have your father declared legally incompetent.  I mention this because it seems to me your father is in a very vulnerable situation, where this “girlfriend” might end up with a sizable chunk of your father’s assets. If that happens, you would then be confronted with the decision of helping your father financially.  If anything, it is important for your peace of mind that your father remain financially stable, and not dependent on your own assets.

Post # 6
Member
3473 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
sassy411 :  Didn’t see your post prior to posting!

Post # 7
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

It sounds like it’s time to look into incompetency hearings. 

Post # 8
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I think it’s a little unfair for Father-In-Law to get involved like that. Seems like it was coming from a good place but your father is very clearly mentally ill and vulnerable. I’m sorry you’re going through this but I think it’s definitely time to try and get him some help/a carer. 

Post # 9
Member
7061 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Shit. That’s a lot to process. I agree that you probably need to have some space between yourself and your father right now. He’s at the point of being harmful to you and these young women and to himself as well. What does your uncle say about it? If this young woman is like the others, she will likely be moving on but lord knows what will happen between now and then.

I understand wanting to be protective but your FIL’s behavior is not helpful. And where the does he get off calling you spineless? That’s not okay.

Post # 10
Member
11389 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
is_a_belle :  oh, bee. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that you’ve had so much loss in your life. I don’t know what’s right for you, but what I do know is that no one else knows what’s right for you either. 

You’re getting pressure from your Father-In-Law and others, no doubt, and I’m sure they are well meaning, but no one can understand how hard it is for you to deal with a parent you love who has lost their mental capacity. 

I haven’t seen the attempts to get guardianship work out, so while I think that’s ideal, I’m just going to focus on you. You have to decide what YOU want. What is best for you and your family and child. Not what your guilt says or anyone else, but what you feel. If you don’t want to see him because of these relationships, then you can decide right now that you’re just going to have a ohone/text/email relarionship. 

It’s sad but it you can’t do anything about it except let his doctor know that the meds are not working. The doctor can’t talk to you, but you can leave your own message for the doctor. 

You didn’t get the parents you deserved and that’s painful. But you do have your own family now, and that’s worth protecting yourself emotionally for so you aren’t watering down your own joy trying to make a relationship with your dad be what it won’t ever be. 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Im sorry you’re going through this Bee. It sounds like detachment may be in order, but I’m not an expert. That’s just what I would do if my family and child were in jeopardy. It is really sad and it does suck big ones, but it may be the best for your daughter. 

I don’t know if you’re able to financially or not or what your countries laws are etc but it sounds like he may need to be put somewhere to be kept safe against people who might take advantage of him (19 year old girls) or him taking advantage of others (19 year old girls). 

Post # 13
Member
2745 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

So sorry you are going through this. My parents are also mentally ill, so I have empathy for your situation.

Set up whatever boundaries that you need to. If you need to not have contact with him, do that. If someone is in danger, you can call the authorities. Otherwise, it is ok to distance yourself. 

We have had my mom committed before, but that’s because she was a danger to herself and others. I have very minimal contact with her. I have talked to her counselor, doctor, psych nurses, police, etc., before when necessary. However, as long as she is safe, I stay away from the situation. I have to do that for my own peace of mind. 

Some of my relatives are less understanding of my mom and some of them have yelled at her for her behavior. I am more accepting that she is severely mentally ill and she does the best she can with the limited capacity that she has. It’s no use yelling at her or blaming her. Maybe you can talk to your father in law and try to explain that yelling at a mentally ill person does no good. It sounds like he was trying to protect you, but I’d tell him this is your issue not his. 

 

Post # 14
Member
11389 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
is_a_belle :  if you feel that way, bee, that’s all you need to know. You can cut off contact, do no contact until further notice or permanent, it’s up to you.

I’ve been down this road, albeit over different issues, and I have to say I’m at peace with it now. It feels good. People will never tire of trying to get you to take care of him and change your mind, but they aren’t you. All you need to know is how you feel. That’s enough. 

Post # 15
Member
6135 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

I had a client with a very similar situation as you. Her father was in his early 80s, financially well off but mentally unstable for many years. He started taking in young women with problems, notably drug problems and homelessness and then the house essentially turned into a drug den. She was given guardianship and it took a few years to get everything back to ‘normal’. Good luck. 

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