- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 1969
I have been a WB member for a good many months but this is my first rant.
*Here is where I change my username*
1. SIL and niece not coming.
They were ecstatic when Fiance and I drove 12 hours to their home in September to announce our engagement. They were excited to have niece as junior Bridesmaid or Best Man. Even offered to shop around for Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses and shoes so I didn’t have to.
Because we knew who we’re having in our bridal party (i.e., all family and 2 best friends, who all excitedly consented), we printed our invitations with the bridal party insert.
Fast-forward to April. SIL sent me some nasty txt msg and emails saying she and daughter are not coming to our wedding and that we should not be forcing them to.
I replied in a very calm, civilized manner, explaining the invitation was extended but no arms were twisted.
Fast-forward to May. Mailed an invite to my brother and nephew. Uninvited niece, SIL, and SIL’s parents. We figure if SIL does not want to come, we’re not wasting invitations on her family, lest they email us saying they’re being forced to come too.
2. First cousins telling my brother they’re not coming because their kids were not invited.
When they received the STD, they told my brother they won’t come because the “kids” were not invited. FYI, “Kids” are 23-year old daughter and 13-year old son. It’s not like they need babysitting. What, they can’t be left alone at night?
Being the youngest cousin, all my cousins have children ranging anywhere from teenagers to 40’s. We realized we cannot invite some, but not all 2nd cousins. So to be fair, we decided to limit the invitations to our 1st cousins.
Well, we drove 15 hours to drop off the invitations. Dropped them off at my brother’s to be hand-delivered.
The STD were received in January. The formal invites were received in May. None of these mails were acknowledged by them. The RSVP deadline is today, and no, we have not heard from them.
3. Wedding colours are copper and gold. Future Mother-In-Law still insists on wearing plum or turquoise.
In my exasperation, I told Fiance flat out, she can wear whatever she wants to wear. But she will not be in the procession with the bridal party and I will not have her photobomb our formals.
Seriously, I’m sure she can choose another colour that will coordinate well with everyone. Even my (other) SIL and brothers who are not in the Bridal Party asked me what colour to wear, in anticipation of family portraits.
Apparently, our wedding colours and all neutrals wash her out and she looks good in plum or turquoise. Well, this is our wedding. We are paying for the event. And this is not about her.
I tried to be nice and calm about it, showing her options and even offering to get her a custom dress, which she refused. Six months after, she’s still adamant about this.
I’m sorry, but I’m done being nice. Fiance will have to deal with her.
4. Kids are not invited.
The event is formal. It’s late-night. There will be drinking and dancing and adults acting silly. It’s not the place for kids.
When I told my friend there are venue restrictions, she suggested a hotel where I can have up to 300 guests. Yeah, she said she’s planning to bring her 4 kids (aged 1-9years). Did I tell you she has a live-in nanny?
This conversation prompted me to mark our STD with “adult reception”.
5. Power struggle with the stepdaughter.
Stepdaughter lives on the other side of the country. Since our engagement was announced, she refused to talk to Fiance. Basically avoided his phone calls.
Counsellor told her mother who told Fiance that stepdaughter feels that she’s been replaced.
I won’t go into details because it just makes me mad.
Don’t we all think our Fiance is such a wonderful man? Mine let his ex-wife take his kids to the other side of the country just to keep the peace. Now he has to fly them (8 hours each way) to see them twice a year during summer and Christmas holidays. He wants to keep a good relationship with them and tries to call them on a weekly basis. But now his stepdaughter would not even talk to him.
While his 2 sons are all excited about being junior Groomsmen, his stepdaughter is refusing to attend the wedding.
Her mother was adamant that if stepdaughter does not want to go, that she should not be forced. She’s 10! She is angry and confused. She needs guidance, not tolerance. Feeling like she’s been replaced is understandable, but it is not accurate. Her feelings need to be validated, but instead of being encouraged, she should be helped and guided so she can work through her emotions and gain better understanding of the situation.
This is so frustrating.
6. Boyfriend or Best Friend says she will be Maid/Matron of Honor. Or not.
I asked her so many times before I printed the bridal party inserts (which came with our formal invites).
For the last 9 months, it’s been a roller-coaster ride of trying to figure out if she’s coming or not.
She’s from out of country, but I sent her all the documents required to apply for visa and hooked her up with a dress designer.
I was ecstatic when she said she’s been given a work assignment in US this summer. Wedding is in Canada, so it’s timely for her to be working just across the border.
But no, she still can’t make up her mind if she wants to come.
If she thinks it’s too expensive or if it’s too much of a travel or if it’s too much of a hassle, all she has to do is say it. I am not forcing her. I asked her because we’ve always talked about her being my Maid/Matron of Honor (our other Boyfriend or Best Friend is married). And that my wedding will be a reunion for all 3 of us. We now live in 3 different continents, and have never been in the same place at the same time for the last 10 years.
7. Did I tell you this is a vow renewal?
We have our personal reasons for eloping – our family knew but given the circumstances, none of them could come.
So we planned for a vow renewal. A nice, formal ceremony and reception. Because we want our kids (FI’s kids) to have that concrete experience of witnessing, participating and celebrating in our wedding.
Being the youngest and only daughter, my family have been looking forward to my wedding. To some it may seem superficial, but I’m sure this sentiment is not unique to my family or my culture. I know it means a lot to my aging parents to see me exchange vows with my husband.
So despite all the stress and expenses of planning an event, we decided to go for it. Not because we want to insult the gods of etiquette. Not because we want people to dote on us. We really just want our families to celebrate our marriage with us, complete with all the symbolisms and icing on the cake.
Culturally, it is not uncommon for us to have a civil wedding first, and then a church wedding later.
*Big sigh* I think I’m done with the rant. Now back to the countdown.