8.5 years & no ring, need advice on how to bring up the conversation.

posted 12 months ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
269 posts
Helper bee

You say, “hey I’d like to talk about our engagement timeline now that we’ve moved in together.” 

Because you’re both adults and should be able to talk about adult things. If you can’t approach him without needing advice on how to literally talk to him then you maybe aren’t ready to get engaged. 

September 2019 is VERY far away so I don’t understand why you’re “very upset” about dates that aren’t even close.

8.5 years together at 25 isn’t the end of the world, good on him and you for wanting to save and save up for a house.

Literally just ask him about it. He’s not going to freak out lol. 

Post # 3
Member
4315 posts
Honey bee

Don’t even consider buying a house with him if you’re not married. 25 is not  that young, you’re smart to be thinking about this now. Just relax and be totally honest with him. And don’t back down from what you want.

Post # 4
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Do not buy real estate with someone you’re not married to.

Post # 5
Member
1788 posts
Buzzing bee

DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH A MAN YOU’RE NOT MARRIED TO!

I just bought a house so let me tell you: in the contract you agree to live in that house for a year(or more depending on state) before renting or selling. And if you violate that you have to pay the bank extra fines. So if you buy a house with that man and break up, you might not be able to move out without losing a lot of money. And breaking up while co-owning a house is just like divorce, you need lawyers and mediation to divide assets. Buying real estate is serious.

Omg and when you buy property together, he will want to do projects on the house you might not want. He could hurt the value of your investment- plus if you breakup he might destroy things to purposely hurt you. Or he could stop paying his part of the mortgage and claim squatter rights while you struggle to keep afloat.

Post # 6
Member
459 posts
Helper bee

Not only should you not buy real estate with a boyfriend, it’s not smart to make such a permanent choice when you don’t know what his level of commitment is. 

You should be able to openly discuss your concerns with your boyfriend.

Is there any reason why you are hesitant? 

Post # 8
Member
12309 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I wouldn’t have moved in without having this conversation much less started to save to buy a home together. Just tell him that you want to discuss the future and a timeline for your relationship. Make it clear that while you are happy to save money in separate accounts you are not willing to buy a home together unless you are married. 

Post # 9
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

nic15 :  Its time to start having standards. The old “I’m not proposing until we move in” usually means “I hope this works out but meanwhile you can help fund my life.” If you are cool with splitting a mortgage while waiting another 3+ years for a ring then so be it. I’m just warning you because when women hear “let’s wait until we move in” they hear “a few months later we’ll be engaged” but guys are usually thinking just whenever they get around to it. You’re at a good age for marriage. Before you get into a sticky situation where there is a mortgage and you feel trapped into waiting you need to to tell him, not suggest, that you want to be married in 2020. Just plan a cozy night in and start by saying “I’ve really enjoyed our relationship together and I’d like to talk about our timeline for marriage.” Something along those lines will work. 

Post # 10
Member
6302 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

“I’d like to have a conversation about timelines now that we have moved in together and before we take the step to buy a house.”

Do not put any money into this house plan without having a ring and actual wedding plans being made and make it clear to him that that is your expectation.

It is not unreasonable to want to know that you are on the same page with your life goals and plans.

Post # 11
Member
4315 posts
Honey bee

“I always envisioned buying a house. But I envisioned buying it with my husband, not my boyfriend – and that hasn’t changed.

Post # 12
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee

If he wants to live together before getting engaged, RENT a place. Don’t buy real estate with someone you’re not married to.

I always felt i needed to live with someone for a while before getting engaged as well, but it’s best not to get too financially entangled when you have zero legal protection. No major joint purchases of anything you can’t afford to just give up – let alone a home. 

And don’t move in until you’re sure you two are on the same page with your life goals – including engagement. Break ups are much more complicated once you live together and there’s no point taking that step if it means one thing to you and something else to him. 

Post # 13
Member
24 posts
Newbee

I’m going to guess that many of us commenting on this thread are ‘more than’ 25 😉 And we all have the SAME advice. Love is blinding,and when you’re in love, you think nothing can go wrong. But if you take anything away from this thread- there is NOTHING wrong with protecting yourself financially, emotinally or mentally.

I agree that 8.5 yrs together is morrrreeeee than enough time to openly and frankly discuss engagement/marriage. It’s not like you’ve been together for 6 months and it’s a suprise.

AND, believe us when we say: If he doesn’t want to discuss it, he NEVER will. Trust me, when a man wants to marry you, he takes steps to do so and you aren’t left wondering.

No matter what, don’t entangle your finances with his. Be smart, and you’ll be good to go.

Good luck- I really hope it works out for you bee.

Post # 14
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

honeybunbee :    I’m just warning you because when women hear “let’s wait until we move in” they hear “a few months later we’ll be engaged” but guys are usually thinking just whenever they get around to it.

Exactly this. As someone who’s been there, my advice is to get comfortable with making your longtime bf uncomfortable. Because you need to have the timeline talk, and he may very well respond with “why are you in such a rush, what’s the difference, why isn’t this good enough for you, why can’t we just enjoy things for now, etc.”

After years of dating, that’s just his complacency talking. Don’t fall for it; don’t feel bad for having the discussion. The “cool girl” points get you nothing in the end but insecurity and resentment. Get that timeline. Make sure it’s actually time-based and not “after x y and z vague life goals.” And don’t buy a house.

Post # 15
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Dont turn into the bee that wait and wonders until he stops dragging his feet. 

Its time to tall about your future. Be firm in what you expect him to do. And  be willing to compromise and also walk away if 8 years is noy enough time for him to wondrr if he wants you for his life partner or not.

Ur are in prime years. Best not to waste it.  Good luck 

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