8.5 years & no ring, need advice on how to bring up the conversation.

posted 11 months ago in Proposals
Post # 16
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

Ok, just for the record: The boyfriend and I bought a freaking house together and we are perfectly fine. Don’t listen to everything they have to say. Sit down and have a talk like the adults you are. 

Post # 17
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

anon1227 :  the difference is that some people are content in not being married while buying a house together and others are not. You seem ok with status quo, but OP is clearly not. 

Post # 18
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

anon1227 :  Well woot woot glad y’all are doing fine.  Talk to any professional and they will tell you buying a house with a boyfriend is not a good idea, just like it’s not a good idea to have kids with someone until marriage.  

Sure sometimes it works out.  Some people smoke for 50 years and don’t get cancer.  Some people never use protection and don’t get diseases. Some couples buy a house first and the woman never felt like she was waiting for a proposal and the guy never got complacent. Still isn’t something I’d suggest anyone do.

Post # 19
Member
4228 posts
Honey bee

anon1227 :  Not everyone is comfortable playing the cool girl.

Post # 20
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

 

sunburn :  so anon1227 :  isn’t all fine with it as she poses to be here either.  According to her posts she has stressed about timelines…  I believe Anon1227 is getting sick of playing the “cool girlfriend” and maybe one day she’ll realize she’ll be more a doormat than a life partner if she keeps it up.

Post # 21
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Don’t move in with him into a home until you’re either engaged or married, preferably married. 

At this point, after over 8 years with vague timelines about when he might propose, you don’t owe him a single damn thing. 8 years is more than enough time to get engaged and married. 

He’s been dragging this for far too long. Once you’re committed legally, then buy a house with him. 

Post # 22
Member
2626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

Absolutely do not purchase a home if you are not on the same page. 

First of all, sit down with your boyfriend and have an honest conversation about where you see your relationship going. I would let him know what your ideal timeline is. Example: I want to get engaged by X time so I have X amount of months to plan for a wedding at X time. How do you feel about that? 

Second, hash out your living expectations. Some people would feel comfortable buying a home when they were engaged with a partner. Some would rather wait until they’re married. 

Third, talk about budgeting for all of this. If you guys are saving for a house but you want to get married, where is that money coming from? How big of a wedding would you want? What about a ring? Men think about numbers and sometimes need to see all of that in front of them.

You are both young but if you get engaged in a year and married in a year you’ll both be around 27. That’s the overall average age to be married in the U.S. and you would have been together for over 10 years. He needs to shit or get off the pot. 

For how long you’ve been together he either knows if he wants to marry you or not.

Post # 23
Member
4228 posts
Honey bee

Supernurse :  Yes, that was my point. The cool girl is rarely the happy girl.

Post # 24
Member
207 posts
Helper bee

You need to talk to him. It is not something you should be embarrassed about, this is your life after all! And if you’re already thinking about September 2019 it sounds to me like you’re ready to get engaged even sooner than that. That’s okay if that’s the case, you need to tell him that as well! 

Post # 26
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2010

nic15 :  I would make it clear that until he proposes, the house buying thing is on the back burner.

Post # 27
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

mdcx :  This.  Or let him buy the house with his own resources…. and NONE of your own money.  If he’s 100% sure he’ll propose and you guys will be together, he should add your name to the deed. 

If not, let him go live in his house alone until he proposes to you for real.  Don’t decorate or play house in lieu of the engagement you want.

Post # 28
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

Don’t bring it up, you’ll get proposed to when the time is right 

Post # 29
Member
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

nic15 :  To all those who say don’t buy a house until marriage I do have to disagree.

With a caveat

Fiance and I bought a house without being married. But, we were enaged for 4 months, with a wedding date set and booked.

For us the market was low, and the house was right. so it made sense for us. Ideally it would have been better if we were married but hey that’s not how the cards fell.

I personally believe you don’t have to be married. But there does have to be something binding (even symbolically) between you, like a ring or a child or whatnot. It sounds like you’re on the right page, which is good, but personally I would wait until you have something in (on) your hand.

Post # 30
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

My partner mentioned last year that he’d like to buy a house together this year.

 

I explained to him that I didn’t feel comfortable buying a house with a partner that wasn’t somewhat formally committed to me.

 

A month later he proposed, and we are buying a house this year, getting married next year because of our financial priorities (the house and wedding are all going to be fully funded by us).

 

Maybe try having an open discussion about the same with him.

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