- 9 months ago
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Hey Bee’s, so while I’m not having this issue yet, it seems fast coming. So, in that case, I want to try and gain some perspective.
SO and I have been dating for 5.5 years. We have a timeline we both agree on (I originally had one a little more pushed back than his) so we met in the middle and agreed on a timeline we were both comfortable with. Based on that timeline and hints he’s been dropping me (asking for ring preferences) a proposal will likely happen within the next 5 months. This is equally exciting, and anxiety ridden, but not for the reasons one would think. I’m sure in my love for SO. That’s not the problem-the huge problem I know I’ll struggle with is picking the bridal party.
I’m a very social person. Because of that, I have a large friend group. All these girls, with the exception of one (let’s call her Anna for simplicity) still live in the state we attended college in. So, we only get to see them once a year, though that’s going to be more now because so many weddings are happening. Despite the distance, we are all still very, very close. We talk frequently about what’s happening in our life; we’re all very close friends. I have a couple friends I’ve made in this new state, but we don’t have the close history and relationship my college friends and I have.
The issue? I don’t know how the heck I’m supposed to pick and choose between these girls. To further add to the complexity, SO has two sisters. One I love and have every intention of asking, the other is a whole other scenario, but obviously I’m not going to ask one and not the other. I also have a sister (who would be Maid/Matron of Honor, so at least that’s simple). So, in just mine and his sisters, that’s 3 spots taken. The issue is that my friend group consists of 5 girls. So, when you add that all together, I’d get 8 girls. SO has a very tight SMALL friend group, so including my own brother, he might have just 4.
There are considerations, though. One of the girls might be engaged right before or after me, so there’s about a 95% chance we’d be planning a wedding at the same time. That in and of itself might have us agree that planning AND being in each other’s wedding would be too much. But her SO is one of my SO’s best friends, so then my SO would lose a groomsman.
The last consideration is that Anna (the one who lives in the same state I do, who I see every few weeks) is getting married in a handful of months and I’m not in her party. Now, I’m not petty enough to sit here and think, ‘well, she didn’t ask me, so why should I ask her?’. I’ll admit I was hurt and a bit shocked (as was the rest of our friend group) when she didn’t ask me. But it’s her choice, and I respect that. She did only choose one girl from our friend group, and the rest of hers consist of sisters and cousins. But, with that said, if I’m already struggling on numbers to be too big, is it uncalled for if I don’t ask her, yet I ask every other girl in our friend group? Would she think, ‘well, I didn’t ask her. So, it makes sense’ or ‘I feel slighted because our friend group was asked, but I was left out.’
The whole situation is confusing. I’m already stressing out about how to decide. I have two good friends from high school who I’d like to be in it, but at this point, I don’t even want to consider adding them to the mix and making it even more complicated.
What would you do? Any advice would be great. Two of the girls I would ask have SO’s that my SO would ask for his party, so it’s an interesting dynamic. We’re all a part of the same friend group. I don’t want to be seen as the girl who just HAD to have tons of girls in her party. I really do have tight history with each of these girls, and they all mean something different to me for individual reasons. I’m thinking that, even though Anna and I see each other the most, that she couldn’t be upset if I don’t ask when she didn’t ask me. But I’d feel weird inviting all the rest of our friends and not her and worry what that would do to the relationship. But if she didn’t ask me, how am I obligated to ask her? But I understand her situation is different, because she didn’t invite all our friends and just leave ME out. I considered not asking another girl for the sake of her not feeling specifically left out, but that just seems wrong.
Sorry this is so long, it’s just complex. To give some insight, I would just ask the girls (regardless of number) to pick whatever dress they like in a certain color and length. Whatever floats their boat after that. I also wouldn’t have a bridal shower (I think they’re pointless) and likely won’t have an engagement party, either, because everyone lives in a different state. I’d likely have the wedding in the state they’re in, because that’s where family is, so there wouldn’t be flying involved on their part. I’d also make hair and make up an option, and if it fits within budget, offer to pay for hair.
I understand that numbers would look weird if I had 8 and he only had 3 or for. But honestly, numbers won’t really matter when the days over. It’s who’s by your side and who you wanted to be there.
Help, bee’s. I need it!
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