(Closed) 8 days to go and close friend bails on attending. How do I respond?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1168 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I completely understand you being upset and I feel it’s definitely justified. That being said, I doubt she will change her mind so there’s really no point in dwelling on it and letting it ruin this happy time for you. Like you said, there will be plenty of other people there so don’t let one person bring you down. 

Post # 4
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You probably wont even notice she isnt there on the day, honestly.

Post # 5
46414 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@SkyChick:  I think she should have kept her commitment to attend. It’s not like she doesn’t know anyone else who will be at the wedding, and you have bent over backwards to make her feel welcome and part of the proceedings.

Post # 6
224 posts
Helper bee

I think you are justifyed in how you feel. But do not let this ruin your day. Its up to you to decide how you want to handle the friendship but you really can’t do anything to change her mind exept express to her how much it hurts you that she has decided this. 

Post # 7
709 posts
Busy bee

@SkyChick:  I totally understand why you’re upset. I would be too. But honestly, you offerd so many things to her – if that’s not enough for her, oh well. Focus on the other things,  be happy about the ones who make the effort to attend & like FutureMrsMoore said, you’ll probably not even notice she’s not there.

Post # 8
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I completely understand you feeling emotional over this – I’d feel exactly the same 🙁  Did you have a ‘reserve’ list or anyone you could invite last minute (without offending) so at least 2 places don’t go to waste? I think it’s clear she’s not going to come so no matter what solution you offer, if she’s made up her mind then you might as well let it go and just enjoy your big day. 

It’s up to you how you want to let this affect your friendship. Have you ever gone out of your way to attend something she hosted? If so then I’d think twice before doing it again – especially if it is something that would inconvenience you. If she kicks up a fuss just remind her of what she did at your *wedding* !! 

Perhaps wait until she makes contact before getting in touch with her again – leave the ball in her court. I think occaisions like this show us who our *real* friends – my advice would be to concentrate on the people who *are* there, the people who made the effort to share your day and don’t let one persons selfishness ruin anything! 

Post # 9
4561 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I understand that this is upsetting, but echo that you won’t even have time on the day to miss her.


If she really wanted to be there, she would…So I would not go out of my way for her in the future if I were you, but I am a bitch like that!

Post # 10
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’d be offended too, unfortunately you don’t have much choice but to let it go, but it would affect the friendship for me.  You have tried to be as helpful and accommodating as you can.  Have a wonderful day!

Post # 11
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I get why your upset, but I also think that there may be other issues that she’s not telling you.  If the plane tickets have been purchased, that’s a big hit to take since they’re generally non-refundable.  I think you should just tell her you’re very sorry it ended up this way, that you hope her boyfriend’s mom recovers quickly, and that you’ll miss her at the wedding.  Don’t try to make it into a huge deal or a comparison to what you’ve done for past weddings, because every situation is unique.

It sucks, it really does.  I had a friend not RSVP who I thought 100% was coming, and I had to just deal with it.

You won’t even notice she’s not there, really.

Post # 12
12003 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I totally get you being upset, I would be too.  BUT, she probably wants to stay with her Boyfriend or Best Friend and help him with his mom.  Perhaps, she doesn’t want to tell you, their finances are strained and the cost of travel is more than they can afford.  It’s possible they hadn’t booked the travel yet.  I RSVP’d to a wedding and then booked travel 6 weeks later and I’ve known about the wedding since last June (date and location).  They may be financially supporting his mother while she’s injured and she doesn’t feel that it’s appropriate to tell you.  I think you need to try to have some perspective, and tell her you wish she should come but you understand that it’s not possible for her and you hope to see her soon.  Then forget about it.  You’re not going to notice she’s missing day of.

Post # 13
8694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

you are justified in how you feel but she is also justified in how she feels.


Post # 14
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would be quite upset as well.  Sadly I agree with some Bees that this would probably hurt my friendship with the person. If I commit to something I will follow it through, unless of couse something major happened, so I’m not too keen on how she is handling the situation.  I would definitely take the high road and wish his mother a speedy recovery and the usual you will be missed, even if you are ticked off 🙂

Post # 15
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@SkyChick: Are your feelings justified by the situation? Absolutely. It is fine to be disappointed or upset that your friend is not coming. One of my best friends didn’t make it to my wedding and I was bummed. What matters is what you do with your feelings, and it sounds like you’ve done everything that you can. Would you be justified in lashing out at your friend or ending your friendship over this? I don’t think so. I can see both perspectives here, and it sounds like it’s an unfortunate situation, but not worth destroying a friendship over. If there were a pattern of behavior of your friend not investing as much as you into the friendship, then it might be a different story. But if this is an isolated incident, I’d recommend to let it go.

The reality is that your friend has made up her mind, and there’s not a thing you can do about it. You’ve made it clear that you want her at the wedding, and she’s made it clear that she won’t be coming. I would advise to accept that and try to move on, and if that doesn’t seem possible right now, wait to address your feelings until a few weeks after the wedding when you’ve had time to de-stress and get some perspective on the situation.

I can almost guarantee that you’ll be so surrounded by love and support on your wedding day, that you won’t even notice her absence.

Post # 16
6531 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@SkyChick:  I would be pissed just because you probably already paid for her plate

I think she is being immature. She is an adult, and should act like one. Suck it up and go to the wedding. Not going to a wedding because you don’t want to be alone? Its petty and selfish. Plenty of people go to weddings alone all the time.

If it were me, this is would affect my friendship with that person. Getting married is a big deal, it only happens once. Its not like this is a birthday party and you can always go next year.

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