8 years and he still isn't ready…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I just read your update, and you’re doing what so many others do on these boards. You say you’re not making excuses, but you are. You see the carrot dangling in front of you, and you want so badly to have it, that you’ll continue to wait around though that carrot will always be slightly out of reach. These threads are a dime a dozen on here. The advice is always the same: be prepared to leave because your guy has told you he doesn’t want marriage/isn’t on the same timeline as you are/isn’t ready to grow up, yet the women who post continue to make excuses and wait around. 

You’ve gotten a lot of good advice to move on and start taking care of yourself. If you’re 30 and want children soon, waiting on a guy who has told you he’s not ready for that isn’t going to get you what you want. Engagement is just the first step. What happens when he freaks out about the actual wedding, freaks out about having a family, etc? Life can be hard and you need someone reliable with you every step of the way. This guy has shown you that he’s not reliabile, at least not yet, and he may never be. 

Sorry, I know its harsh. I’ve been there. I dated the Peter Pan guy for 3 years. His excuses were exactly the same as your SO’s. He was afraid to get married, afraid to get “old”, afraid to have kids, afraid of all adult responsibilities. I finally woke up and realized that instead of dragging him kicking and screaming through all of the next phases in life, I wanted someone who would happily walk beside me at the same pace. Go find the person who is ready for what you want. It will be a much easier journey. 

Post # 47
Member
6911 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Your SO saying he’s not excited isn’t that big a deal to me because my husband flat out told me he wasn’t excited about a wedding and he didn’t think things would change afterward because, to him, we were already basically married after so many years together. However the fact that your SO apparently has a massive case of cold feet when you already have a life and a home established together would be concerning to me. Especially as this has been more than a year of discussion. It doesn’t sound like he’s moving toward marriage. It sounds like he knows what he’s “supposed” to do but he doesn’t want to and doesn’t have the courage to just tell you that so that the two of you can go your separate ways.

Post # 48
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

View original reply
missconfused :  At 30 he should be ready to take on adult responsibilities such as marriage and kids. When is he going to be ready to be an adult? 35? 40? I don’t like the idea that he is stringing you along. You two have been together long enough that he should be able to decide what he wants. I really would come up with a walk date because he may string you along forever. 

Post # 49
Member
10347 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You do realize when he says he “needs more time” what he actually means by that right?

He needs more time…

  • To decide if you’re worth marrying
  • Because he doesn’t want to marry you but is too comfortable to lose you and hopes that by buying time you will give up on the subject

Thats really what it boils down to. He’s had 8 years, if he hasn’t married you by now then he won’t. I mean, damn, he acts like the decision of deciding to marry you is tormenting him and making him miserable. You really want to marry a dude you had to force into it?

Post # 50
Member
373 posts
Helper bee

8 years? You teach people how to treat you. If he isn’t ready after 8 years, imo, it means he is unsure about you. If he truly wasn’t ‘ready’, he wouldnt be ‘living together with you for about 5 years, own an apartment together, have a good job and be financially stable’ and still refusing to get married. In other words, the man is not that into you. Harsh but true. THe ONLY thing that marriage changes (since you guys are living as if you are married anyway) is the signing saying you are committed to each other legally.  He has a problem with that  because he doesn’t see you that way.

Post # 51
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
slomotion :  <—- what she said. 

Post # 52
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

I’d start packing my shit and get my own place for awhile. Give him time to “figure it out” and if you still are around at that point, give him another shot if you feel like it. Or maybe you’ll meet someone else…. he’s had plenty of time.

Post # 53
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

Leave. (I am telling you this because you’ve been together for 8 years and you’re 30)

He is wishy-washy. By leaving he will realize what he is losing. If he really loved you and wants forever he will get his shit together, and will get you back and will propose. 

Leaving in theory, will motivate him. 

If he doesnt, then you’ll finally have your answer with how he felt AND you wont be wasting any more precious years!

Good luck, I know this will be hard, but you have to look out for yourself and your future too. 

Post # 54
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
missconfused :  I think maybe he doesn’t feel like he has made this decision himself for some reason.

That’s a quote from your update, and I think you have absolutely summed it up. I don’t know you, your boyfriend, your lives, your situation, so I can only judge by what I have read on here. My judgement from the outside is that this guy doesn’t want to get married, or doesn’t want to marry you perhaps, but he is having the conversation and agreeing to deadlines because he feels he has to.

He bought the ring and asked your dad out of obligation. Now he actually has to go through with it, he can’t. He’s taken the steps he has so far because he knows that you have been together for 8 years, he knows you want this, and he knows that friends and family are expecting it. He doesn’t want this, everyone else does. 

Post # 55
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Nope sorry bee , but it’s time for you to go. 

 

What is left for him to say that he hasn’t already said with his ACTIONS??? I know it hurts and I know it’s hard but you need to be strong and GO. 

Post # 56
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

OUCH. I’m sorry Bee.

He either doesn’t want to marry you in particular, or as he’s matured he’s realized he never wants to get married period.

Either way marriage is not in the cards with this guy. 

 

My advice? Leave. The woman who you’ve become (insecure, needy, letting someone break his word with no consequences, etc) is NOT who you are. But you don’t really know who you are as an adult without him. I’m betting you’d be a mess while you left and got your bearings and then it’d a glorious time rediscovering and reinventing yourself. Then one day when you meet someone who knows that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him in his life, that you’re the greatest blessing ever…you’ll look back on this and wonder how you even considered for a second staying with this man-child. 

Post # 57
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

He’s not ready and unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like he will be ready any time soon. As the other bees have mentioned, you need to pack your stuff and leave. He had 8 years to be ready!

The same thing happened to my best friend and her now ex. They dated for 6 years, bought the ring (after having to have many discussions regarding whether or not he was ready), spoke to her parents… And when it didn’t happen by the walk date she gave him, she left. It didn’t matter that he had so many opportunities to propose. He just wasn’t ready and she knew if she tried to continue on with it, neither of them would he happy. 

Post # 58
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
futuremrsdubbya :  I align with this response 100%.  Please listen, do not continue to ruin your life. 

Post # 59
Member
14 posts
Newbee

THis happened to me. I dated a guy for 9 years, had a house together, dogs, good jobs and all we were missing was the rings. We would go look at rings and he would write down the ones he liked…we talked about getting married and had quiet a few fights about it. He eventually told me he wasn’t ready. He kept saying by the end of the year  or by mid year when I pay all the taxes and then it would change again. This happened for almost 3 years. Eventually, I got tired of the excuses. I feel like you either know or you don’t and sometimes walking out of that persons life makes them wake up. I broke up with him and he eventually came crawling back when it was too late. I broke up with him 3 years ago, met someone else after a year and I got married last month. Since then, my x’s secret life he was living has came out and leaving him was the best thing I ever did. Hes still not married and is now dating a girl 10 years younger who is more on his pace. 

I don’t think hes ready and who knows will that will be. I wouldn’t waste anymore of your time with somone who doesn’t want to make that commitment. 

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