(Closed) 8 years and no proposal :( – I need advice

posted 6 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee

You’ve been together nearly a decade. I think that both of you are aware that not every single conversation about a relationship is fun and romantic. The kind of stubborness you described is not endearing, it’s disrespectful at best and spiteful at worst. Why is his supposed plan for a giant expensive ring and elaborate proposal more important than your desire for neither of those things? If he’s so bad at saving money, what is he doing to improve his habits and become more financially savvy? Sorry bee, these are some very weak excuses.

I don’t get this phobia of “”pressuring”” longtime boyfriends with conversations about marriage as if they’re frightened children that will run away under the cover of darkness if their girlfriend isn’t Cool About It. You know what you want, stop letting him stonewall you and avoid the topic and tell him you need to have a serious discussion about the future. If you’re not ready to do that, then you’re not ready to be married to this person anyway. 

Post # 3
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

He doesn’t want to marry you. That’s why he keeps kicking the can down the road.

As far as advice goes, the best thing to do at this point is try to admit to yourself that this guy is dragging his feet on a proposal because he’s not interested in marriage. It’s time for you to move on. Eight years is way too long to stay with a guy without any moves towards an engagement or marriage, especially if he knows thats what you want. 

Post # 4
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would think after 8 years together that you two could have a mature and honest discussion about your expectations  (both of yours) for your future together.  If he keeps skirting the issues, that would tell me that he is A) not ready to get married.  and B) can’t have a mature and honest conversation about the status of your relationship.  

I think you also need to do some soul-searching within yourself.  Do you want to stay with this guy without marriage/babies on the table or do you really want to get married?   I was in a long term relationship and I wanted to get married, and he didn’t, so I broke up with him.  You have to make that decision yourself though.  No pressuring, no head games, none of that stuff. It took me about 1 year to get to that point where I was ready to axe the relationship. Its not easy, its not fun, but it was worth it.  

 

Post # 5
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think he wants to marry you, either. And the problem is not you, it is HIM. The good news is, you are still in your 20’s so you have plenty of time to find real love. 

People treat you the way you let them treat you…you have stuck around for an unbelievable 8 years. And he knows you want marriage, is not proposing and yet you stay…Take control of your life. Move out and find someone who will see your value. At this point, you are making a fool of yourself by staying and you are no fool. You are a capable young lady and will get better if you demand it. 

I wish you the best. You deserve WAY more than this, love! Chin up and onward to better things 🙂 Once he is out of your life, things will start looking up. Life is short. You have already given him too much time…You hear it every day, stories of women who stuck around for years on end and once the relationship ended, the guy went on to marry someone else 6 months later. 

Post # 6
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

If you want to be engaged so badly and you don’t care about the proposal/ring, then why don’t you propose to him? I’m beginning to find it quite ridiculous how many people post on here about “waiting” and how resentful they are and how they can’t stand not being engaged—but they won’t do anything about it. If you want him to propose, tell him you’re ready for the next step and that this is really important to you, and ask if he is too. If he tries to avoid the conversation, you have your answer. If he can’t talk about it like an adult, then you should reconsider your relationship. And if he says he’s ready but still doesn’t do anything, propose to him. Take the pressure off him. Just do it yourself. I don’t know why women are SO against proposing. 

Post # 7
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
hannahc7:  

I am not sure if you really want “advice”, or if you want someone to justify his actions and make it worth your time to keep waiting…

Personally, I think you have waited long enough…I understand these long relationships when people start dating in school, but as adults, it gets ridiculous….you are both old enough to know…I think he is comfortable with the set up you have and doesn’t see any reason to move forward…

If a conversation about “where is this relationship going” is uncomfortable – it isn’t the right relationship…

You are still young…I think it is time to lay the cards on the table in terms of how you feel and if he isn’t on board, it is time to move on…

Sorry, I know that is tough to hear, but it is tougher to waste more time on a dead end 🙁

Post # 8
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

You need to love yourself more and realize that you deserve better.  Together for 8 and living together for 5?  He’s not interested in marrying you.

And please do not compare yourself to others you know that are getting married or have been married already.  Each relationship is different.  I’m 39 and my FH is 40 and we’ve been together for 6 years.  Lived together for 11 months and he proposed Christmas Day 2015.  But there were things I wanted/needed to do first and things he wanted to do first before we were BOTH ready to take it to the next level.

In the meantime in our time together, we spoke about marriage at least once a month.  People around me were getting married too but I paid them no mind because their relationship wasn’t my relationship.  Everyone goes at their own pace.

I said this before and I’ll say this again:  some women are so quick to change their name, when they haven’t even made a name for themselves.  TAKE. YOUR. TIME.

Focus more on a fruitful relationship and not a date/age you expect to get married by.

Post # 9
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

The first sentence of your post gives me a clue as to why this is happening. You say that you should be “greatful” that you’ve found someone to love who loves you. 

But I firmly believe that grateful is not an appropriate emotion in a healthy relationship. It suggests that you see yourself as unworthy, and you should be so relieved you even found somebody even if what he’s doing makes you unhappy. I say stop feeling so grateful and start thinking in terms of your own needs. You shouldn’t be grateful for someone who refuses to discuss marriage and children after 8 years together; you shouldn’t even be with him in the first place. 

Get some self respect. It’s that simple, and that difficult.

Post # 10
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee

Have you had a conversation inthe past about wanting to have a first child by 30?  Did he agree with that conversation at that time?  If so then do the math for him:  Pregnant shortly after 29.  Maybe 6 mos of trying, married by late 28…so that means planning wedding now.

If he doesn’t start to make some kind of move towards that end point, then it’s looking like he doesn’t want marriage badly enough to plan for it.

Post # 11
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
hannahc7:

  

 

Post # 13
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
Sunshine09:  THAT IS SO TRUE!!!!!!! Love it  

OP, may I suggest you read the book “Why Men Marry B*tches”. It’s not about being mean, by the way. It’s about standing up for youself. TH=he word B*tch in the context of the book stand for Babe In Total Control of Herself 🙂 It’s a light read but it’ll change your life. You can buy a used copy of if on eBay for like 5 bucks. 

Post # 14
Member
24 posts
Newbee

Also, I’d  like to add that you mentioned at the beginning of your post that you feel you should be “grateful that you found someone who loves you”.

Love, it’s this kind of mentality that keeps women in shitty relationships for wayyyyyyy too long and settle for mediocre partners.

It isnot that hard to find a good guy who can you what you need emotionally if you have great self esteem. It honestly sounds like your self esteem isn’t the greatest and that’s why you keep justifying staying with someone who clearly is a taking advantage of the fact that he knows how badly you want a relationship and marriage, yet not proposing. 

No, you shouldn’t be grateful for a guy who is stringing you along until one day he finds the balls to dump you, leaving your head spinning. I know 8 Years is a long time and makes it harder to leave someone, but you deserve more out if life than this. 

Post # 15
Member
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I was also with my husband for 8 years before he proposed.   I felt like it was never going to happen, but it did, and I’m so happy I didn’t give up before then.  Have a serious discussion about how important it is to you.  Ask him if the only thing holding him back is the money thing.  Maybe there’s more on his mind than that.    

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