Post # 1
I am new to this site and need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years and still aren’t engaged. After a couple of years I kept talking about marriage and kept hinting on rings and wedding plans. He would sometimes seem engaged in the conversation and other times seem uninterested. He eventually kept coming up with excuses – no money, wants to buy a house first, etc. He eventually said he was tired of all of the nagging from myself, friends and family so I asked everyone to stop asking about it. I thought that would give him a chance to do it on his own. We had a baby girl together after 5 years. People stopped talking about us getting married for at least 3 years and he still didn’t step up. I explained how much it bothered me to have a daughter that I don’t share a last name with. He Constantly says he wants to get married but never took the next step. After 7 years I was worn out, decided that I needed to move on and was tired of waiting. He begged for me to come back and that he had no idea it meant that much to me. It’s hard to explain how much it hurts to wonder why you aren’t the one getting married. … how you could put so much effort and time into a relationship for nothing, how you wonder what is wrong with you that he doesn’t want to marry you. … It’s draining. Fast forward a year and STILL no proposal. I know he loves me but now I am finding myself resentful for having waited this long and essentially wasting this much of my life. I am not sure I want a proposal now. … will I ever get over this? Am I the only one? It’s it time to move on? By the way…. I am 30, he is 37. Neither of us are getting any younger
Post # 2
Only you can answer if it’s time to move on. You need to ask yourself how long you’re willing to wait, and if you NEVER get married are you going to be happy with that situation? If you feel already that you have wasted too much time, then you need to move on now.
Post # 3
I agree with pp. I was with my ex for 5 years and after having a child I, like you, wanted to be married. You deserve a commitment. If he doesnt want to commit to you don’t make him feel bad for it because that’s his own choice but know that you deserve it. If he hasn’t done it already he probably won’t. If you can live with that stay. If you can’t you need to move on. I’m now engaged to my FI and I couldn’t be happier. My ex is now having a child with another woman… Still not married. It’s not you more than likely.
Post # 4
sugarplum217: Has he given you a solid reason on why he doesn’t want to marry you? I could see a couple years, he wasn’t ready. But he had a child with you. That in itself is a commitment (a lifelong one), perhaps he thinks that’s good enough? Maybe he already feels married so why does have to actually get married? could it be something along those lines? I’m just throwing out suggestions here.
I also had my daughter before we got married. My husband wanted to get married, but didn’t think it was necessary at first becuase he felt like we were already married and would refer to me as his wife. I told him that despite the fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I wanted to actually be his wife, legally, not just in his mind. Once he realized that, we got married. Marriage was going to happen one way or another, it just happened sooner because I expressed my thoughts on why I wanted to be married. I wanted to go around being his legal wife, not just his “wife” and he didn’t realize the importance of that to me.
Post # 5
Personally, I think it is a red flag that you left, he begged for you to return, and then STILL didn’t propose after a whole year. You know the situation much better than any of us do, but it doesn’t seem to me like he’s ever going to marry you. Yes, a child is a commitment, but it’s still something he can leave pretty easily if he chooses to – marriage, not so much.
Post # 6
I would move on if I were you. After nearly ten years and a baby, your boyfriend should know by now if he wants to marry you. It also didn’t make sense to return to him if he wasn’t going to ask you to be his wife.
I have seen so many women live with men for years, have their children and end up wasting their best years waiting for a ring. My cousin had two kids with her boyfriend of over ten years. When she and her immediate family started pressuring him to propose, he simply dumped her and moved out of their place.
Post # 7
It took my fiancé 9 years to propose to me. I thought it would never happen and I would constantly bring it up In Conversation and at times nag and it would just frustrated him. finances was the main issue because buying a ring and getting married isnt cheap. I eventually stopped nagging at him about it because after having a long talk with my mom who knocked some sense into me, I realized that if we love eachother and were happy, it will happen when’s it’s supposed to. You can’t really rush things like that. And you don’t want to push someone to propose to you. You want them to do it because they WANT to, and not just do it so you stop nagging. If you and your boyfriend are happy together than you shouldn’t base your relationship off of being engaged or not. Everyone does things when they feel the time is right and you putting pressure or a time limit on things probably does not help the situation either especially if he truly does love you. It may be stressing him out more. Real men don’t just want to propose and not have a plan. it sounds like your boyfriend wants to make sure he can build a certain life for you and your baby like providing a house and other securities. That to me is a good man. My fiancé proposed to me on our 9 year anniversary and it was the best day of my life. It was a complete suprise and I am so glad I backed off and allowed him to propose when he felt it was the right time. I say give your boyfriend time if you truly love him and feel he is the one. The best things come to those who wait and I think your time will definitely come, sometimes you just have to be patient 🙂 but don’t worry you are not the only one. I went through it and there are so many other girls who go through this exact same thing too lol I used to think I was the only one and it finally happened for me and it will happen for you too 😉
Post # 8
Why don’t you try proposing to him and see what he says. If he says no than he prob isn’t ready to get married or just doesn’t want to get married.
Post # 9
I really believe that we can only give what we have to give is time. In these scenarios, the real issue is that the woman has simply run out of time & has no more to give. That’s where the frustration & exhaustion set in.
There’s nothing wrong with telling him, in the most loving way possible, that you would gladly give him all of the time you have to give, but you’re tapped out. There is no more left to give. You’re miserable because you’re running on empty.
The idea is not to manipulate him into marriage. It’s to take care of yourself.
Post # 10
Does he take the initiative on other things? My fiancé doesn’t. He needed a bit of a push and end the end we bought the ring on impulse because my favorite designer was having a sale. We just went into a store and left with a ring. You could also ask if he’s interested in city hall.
Post # 11
sugarplum217: I went thru this. My DDs dad and I were together for 7 years. I waited and waited and waited. Every holiday, birthday, anniversary, dinner out…..and nothing. One Thanksgiving when I was pg with DD, I was standing in the kitchen. He said, “I got you something”, and THREW a ring at me, it bounced off my stomach and hit the floor. I felt so pathetic and cheap wearing that ring. It was awful. It was just to shut me up. And it worked for 6 years.
Needless to say, I moved on. I got tired of waiting. I was heartbroken. I didn’t want to leave him, but there were definitely other factors that made it necessary besides marriage. But that was huge.
Anyway, I’m now ENGAGED to a wonderful man who loves my DD and I and who actually wants to marry me. I’m normally very against the ” timeline” BS, but in your case, I’d do it. Tell him you’ll give him 3 months to propose, and a year to get married. If he doesn’t want to, I’d leave.
I know how you feel. When I was going thru this, I felt bad about myself. Like, here I am with a child and no ring. I even felt judged at the damn grocery store. (Nothing against those who are not married with kids. I did it, and am OK with it. I just wanted to be married to him and I know my brain made me irrational at some points)
Anyway, this shouldn’t just be up to him. Its your life too. If he doesn’t want to give you something that’s this important to you, then I think you should start putting yourself first, however that nay happen.
Good luck mama! I normally don’t respond to these posts, but I feel like I’m looking at myself in the past.
Post # 12
sugarplum217: You’ve clearly shown him how much it means to you to be married to him and he is stilll unwilling to give you any indication that he even plans to propose. It’s frustrating because for a lot of women (and men too) living together, having a child, and making a life together means intent to marry. I don’t understand why some men don’t feel that way and have no problem doing all that stuff, but still just can’t make the commitment, and are completely fine just stringing someone along for years.
I think you need to sit down with him and ask him directly if he ever intends to marry you. You need a specfic answer, not vague excuses as to why he doesn’t want to do it now. If he is wishy washy about it, move on with your life. After 8 years and a child, he should have a definitive answer to that question.
Post # 13
I agree also with sithlady… I sat my ex down and asked him where he saw himself in 5 years… He said a nicer car, and better job, and hopefully owning a house. I asked him where I was in that since he didn’t mention me. He joked and said if we got married we’d just end up divorced. That was all I needed. I thank God he never asked me to marry him because I know now how great a relatioship can be.
Post # 14
What a terrible thing to say! Glad you dumped that time wasting loser.
Post # 15
sugarplum217: He knows that getting married is important to you, and he has done nothing to make that happen. The proof is in the pudding. If he wanted to marry you, he would. Before agreeing to go back, you should’ve sat down with him and made a timeline for the future, including marriage. I don’t think he takes you seriously because you’ve stuck around this long with no proposal.
If getting married is what you want, and he’s not the person to make that happen, then you need to make a change. I would never leave a great relationship just because I didn’t have a ring, but I would leave if my SO showed no regard for my wishes and I felt he was stringing me along for no reason.