Post # 1
Hi guys. I’m new on here and I’m after any advice really. I’m feeling very down and have hit a real low point. Sorry in advance for the long post! So I am 27 and my boyfriend is 28. We went to school together, we have been boyfriend/girlfriend for 8 years and moved in together two and a half years ago (jointly owned house). I didn’t have to push or pressure him into living together at all, it was him that was ready for that quite a while before I was. After a few months of living together, I started hinting about engagement but it seemed to fall on deaf ears. We’re now two years down the line and still no proposal.
During more serious conversations about it he has given me loads of mixed messages. During some conversations he has said it will happen one day, a couple of times he told me he DOESNT actually want to get married, and other times he has said he simply doesn’t know. Of course I was devastated, but he did say that it’s nothing to do with me and he’s a million percent sure he wants to be with me forever, he just thinks that marriage is ‘old fashioned’. He is also quite a shy person and doesn’t get on that well with his family, so I think that he doesn’t want any attention at all from an engagement or a wedding. I have compromised and said I would be happy to just elope, but I have still had no proposal despite him knowing its what I want more than anything. We had been renovating out cottage for quite a while so I thought he might propose when the house was finished, but its never happened.
I have told him all the way through the relationship that I want to be engaged before we have a baby, and we are planning to try for a baby in the New Year. With this is mind, I suggested that he come to view a ring with me that I had seen online and fallen in love with. He outright said no, and just tries to avoid the subject. I always thought that we would end up picking a ring together, then him saving it to propose with at a later date as we both share bank accounts and I would know if he had already bought one (which he definitely hasn’t). At this rejection I just feel like I have hit a real low with all this now. His reason for not going to look at a ring together is because he said it’s ‘too much pressure on him’. I just feel like after 8 years together, and wanting to try for a baby in just a matter of weeks, he would at least be open to purchasing a ring together to save for a later date.
All of this has led to a few arguments, I don’t dare bring it up in serious conversation anymore and it’s become a bit of a taboo subject with us. I feel like I’m becoming obsessed by it all. It’s driving me insane because apart from this we are a brilliant couple, like best friends, and I don’t doubt that he loves me. I just feel like I am waiting around for something that is never going to happen and it breaks my heart. I just don’t understand why he won’t propose and I feel like he should be the one to compromise. I feel like marriage, or at least engagement, is something that I really want from my life. Does anyone have any advice please?
Post # 2
Don’t have a baby with him. You’ll see countless stories here of women waiting YEARS AND YEARS, having these guys’ babies, but the men rarely seem to come around to being able to commit to marriage with them.
You need to have a serious talk with him before the trying starts. Are you okay having his children and never being his wife? Why is he okay with having a baby–an absolutely lifelong commitment that he will ALWAYS HAVE–but not with the level of commitment that comes with an engagement/marriage? If you’re good enough to be the mother of his children, you should be good enough to be his wife.
Put all thoughts of trying on hold until you have some resolution.
Post # 3
charlottejx1 : Does not look like he wants to marry you. If you intend to have a baby, recognize that you may never find yourself married to the father of your kids. That may create a very uncomfortable environment for your kids.
Post # 4
Jeez louise, there have been so many posts like this lately! Bee, all I can tell you is that if marriage is important to you, please do not try for a baby with a man who is giving you every indication that he does not want to marry you. This will only breed resentment. You need to be on the same page as your partner about where the relationship is (or is not) headed before you deliberately bring a kid into the mix!
Post # 5
charlottejx1 : There have been like 4 thousand stories on here lately of guys who want to have kids but not marry the mom. DON’T BE A STATISTIC! Ask him to explain to you how a marriage is more of a commitment than a kid. Honestly owning a house together can be more of a commitment than marriage, in terms of how hard it is to get out of.
This would lead me to believe he doesn’t want to marry you. I’m not sure he’s as committed as you think.
Post # 6
He doesn’t want to get married and he doesn’t want to marry you, he’s told you this flat out.
If he hasn’t changed his mind in 8 years he won’t ever change it, that doesn’t make either of you wrong for wanting what you each want. Its okay he doesn’t want to get married and its okay you do, but if you want to be married then you need to move on and find someone on the same page. People don’t always break up because the relationship is awful, sometimes they just break up because the don’t want the same things. This is where you would fall.
Please don’t have a child with him unless you are 167% ready to be a baby mama for the next twenty years and nothing more than that. Actually, just don’t have a baby with someone who won’t commit to you. If you need a reason then spend some time reading the COUNTLESS threads of women who own homes and have children with men who they realize will never marry them.
Post # 7
charlottejx1 : I’m sorry you’re going through this but why move in together if you never got a clear answer from him regarding marriage? And now you want to have a child together and he won’t even look at a ring with you? Why have a child together if you want marriage? Is no marriage a deal breaker for you? If yes I’m sorry girl but you’re doing this all wrong.
Post # 8
He said he doesn’t want to marry you. Believe him
Post # 9
“During some conversations he has said it will happen one day, a couple of times he told me he DOESNT actually want to get married, and other times he has said he simply doesn’t know.”
listen to him.
I think getting married shouldn’t be a compromise. Some people just don’t want to get marrie, and that’s fine. But if you do, and he doesn’t, you have a conflict of life goals.
Post # 10
charlottejx1 : Whoa whoa whoa! He wants to try for a baby, you already own property together, but getting married (even elopement) is “too much pressure?” After 8 years!? I’m sorry, but I call bullshit. I’m in the camp of bees that strongly believes that if you want to get married, you should be mindful of what order you complete your “life steps.” If he’s expressing reluctance on proposing, I would NOT be TTC with him. I’m not sure why/how having a child is somehow less “pressure” than being married. I’m not saying this out of old-fashionedness, I just hate seeing women with a house and children and their partner of 8, 10, 20 years refusing to marry them. You need to advocate for yourself here and be firm about what you want when building a life with someone. Certain things cannot be compromised on!
Post # 11
charlottejx1 : “I have told him all the way through the relationship that I want to be engaged before we have a baby, and we are planning to try for a baby in the New Year.”
Why would you be planning on TTC in the New Year when you’ve said you don’t want to have a baby before you’re at least engaged??? You’re shooting yourself in the foot here. I’d actually argue that he’s been very clear that he is not going to marry you and you are hoping that if you do these other things (buy a house together, start TTC) that he will change his mind. That’s not going to work. Don’t TTC with him unless you’re 100% perfectly content with never ever getting married.
Post # 12
Preeeeety much what the other pp’s said. Not gonna happen, he flat out told you so. Believe him and don’t dare bring an innocent child into this unstable situation. Eight years hon, 8 Years! You are being delusional if you think he’s going to magically change his mind and commit to you. Sorry bee, its time to move on or be happy with your current arrangement.
Post # 13
He doesn’t want to marry you–he’s made that plain and smple. Having a baby with him would not change his mind.
If you want a child, move on.
Post # 14
It’s ok to want to get married, it’s ok to NOT want to get married! But it is a yuuuuge fundamental difference and a deal breaker in my opinion. He can be the most amazing human ever but if you guys have this giant place where you don’t meet at all, then it’s ok to realize that he is not the one for you and you are not the one for him. You shouldn’t have to force yourselves to fit.
Also, until you can absolutely come to terms with the fact that this guy is never gonna marry you, do not make a baby with him!
Post # 15
If he thinks marriage is outdated and possibly not for hiim, a little fucking heads up about this before you were years into the relationship and bought a home together would have been nice. I wouldn’t even think of bringing a child into this- unless you’re 100% happy as slomotion : said in being his babymomma.
It’s perfectly fine to live together without marriage if BOTH partners are good with this, but in your case and sadly so many others, you were kept in the dark about his true intentions or lack thereof so you couldn’t make an informed choice if this relationship/ property ownership/ TTC with hiim is for you.
You say ‘you’re a brilliant couple, like best friends’ (which is also something heard many many times- he’s a great guy BUT….) So why would a partner/ best friend etc be so callous with your feelings and care so little about what YOU want for the future? Sorry Bee, sometimes compatibility isn’t enough to make it work when your goals just don’t align.