8 years. No proposal

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

Don’t have a baby with him. You’ll see countless stories here of women waiting YEARS AND YEARS, having these guys’ babies, but the men rarely seem to come around to being able to commit to marriage with them.

You need to have a serious talk with him before the trying starts. Are you okay having his children and never being his wife? Why is he okay with having a baby–an absolutely lifelong commitment that he will ALWAYS HAVE–but not with the level of commitment that comes with an engagement/marriage? If you’re good enough to be the mother of his children, you should be good enough to be his wife.

Put all thoughts of trying on hold until you have some resolution.

Post # 3
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

charlottejx1 :  Does not look like he wants to marry you.  If you intend to have a baby, recognize that you may never find yourself married to the father of your kids.  That may create a very uncomfortable environment for your kids. 

Post # 4
Member
7749 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Jeez louise, there have been so many posts like this lately! Bee, all I can tell you is that if marriage is important to you, please do not try for a baby with a man who is giving you every indication that he does not want to marry you. This will only breed resentment. You need to be on the same page as your partner about where the relationship is (or is not) headed before you deliberately bring a kid into the mix!

Post # 5
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

charlottejx1 :  There have been like 4 thousand stories on here lately of guys who want to have kids but not marry the mom.  DON’T BE A STATISTIC!  Ask him to explain to you how a marriage is more of a commitment than a kid.  Honestly owning a house together can be more of a commitment than marriage, in terms of how hard it is to get out of.  

This would lead me to believe he doesn’t want to marry you.  I’m not sure he’s as committed as you think.

Post # 6
Member
10035 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He doesn’t want to get married and he doesn’t want to marry you, he’s told you this flat out.

 

If he hasn’t changed his mind in 8 years he won’t ever change it, that doesn’t make either of you wrong for wanting what you each want. Its okay he doesn’t want to get married and its okay you do, but if you want to be married then you need to move on and find someone on the same page. People don’t always break up because the relationship is awful, sometimes they just break up because the don’t want the same things. This is where you would fall.

Please don’t have a child with him unless you are 167% ready to be a baby mama for the next twenty years and nothing more than that. Actually, just don’t have a baby with someone who won’t commit to you. If you need a reason then spend some time reading the COUNTLESS threads of women who own homes and have children with men who they realize will never marry them.

Post # 7
Member
486 posts
Helper bee

charlottejx1 :  I’m sorry you’re going through this but why move in together if you never got a clear answer from him regarding marriage? And now you want to have a child together and he won’t even look at a ring with you? Why have a child together if you want marriage? Is no marriage a deal breaker for you? If yes I’m sorry girl but you’re doing this all wrong. 

Post # 8
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

He said he doesn’t want to marry you. Believe him 

Post # 9
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

During some conversations he has said it will happen one day, a couple of times he told me he DOESNT actually want to get married, and other times he has said he simply doesn’t know.”

listen to him. 

 

I think getting married shouldn’t be a compromise. Some people just don’t want to get marrie, and that’s fine. But if you do, and he doesn’t, you have a conflict of life goals.

Post # 10
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

charlottejx1 :  Whoa whoa whoa! He wants to try for a baby, you already own property together, but getting married (even elopement) is “too much pressure?” After 8 years!? I’m sorry, but I call bullshit. I’m in the camp of bees that strongly believes that if you want to get married, you should be mindful of what order you complete your “life steps.” If he’s expressing reluctance on proposing, I would NOT be TTC with him. I’m not sure why/how having a child is somehow less “pressure” than being married. I’m not saying this out of old-fashionedness, I just hate seeing women with a house and children and their partner of 8, 10, 20 years refusing to marry them. You need to advocate for yourself here and be firm about what you want when building a life with someone. Certain things cannot be compromised on!

Post # 11
Member
6841 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

charlottejx1 :  “I have told him all the way through the relationship that I want to be engaged before we have a baby, and we are planning to try for a baby in the New Year.”

Why would you be planning on TTC in the New Year when you’ve said you don’t want to have a baby before you’re at least engaged??? You’re shooting yourself in the foot here. I’d actually argue that he’s been very clear that he is not going to marry you and you are hoping that if you do these other things (buy a house together, start TTC) that he will change his mind. That’s not going to work. Don’t TTC with him unless you’re 100% perfectly content with never ever getting married. 

Post # 12
Member
1698 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Preeeeety much what the other pp’s said.  Not gonna happen, he flat out told you so.  Believe him and don’t dare bring an innocent child into this unstable situation.  Eight years hon, 8 Years! You are being delusional if you think he’s going to magically change his mind and commit to you.  Sorry bee, its time to move on or be happy with your current arrangement.

Post # 13
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee

He doesn’t want to marry you–he’s made that plain and smple.  Having a baby with him would not change his mind.

If you want a child, move on.

Post # 14
Hostess
4033 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

It’s ok to want to get married, it’s ok to NOT want to get married! But it is a yuuuuge fundamental difference and a deal breaker in my opinion. He can be the most amazing human ever but if you guys have this giant place where you don’t meet at all, then it’s ok to realize that he is not the one for you and you are not the one for him. You shouldn’t have to force yourselves to fit. 

Also, until you can absolutely come to terms with the fact that this guy is never gonna marry you, do not make a baby with him! 

Post # 15
Member
5862 posts
Bee Keeper

If he thinks marriage is outdated and possibly not for hiim, a little fucking heads up about this before you were years into the relationship and bought a home together would have been nice. I wouldn’t even think of bringing a child into this- unless you’re 100% happy as slomotion :  said in being his babymomma. 

It’s perfectly fine to live together without marriage if BOTH partners are good with this, but in your case and sadly so many others, you were kept in the dark about his true intentions or lack thereof so you couldn’t make an informed choice if this relationship/ property ownership/ TTC with hiim is for you. 

You say ‘you’re a brilliant couple, like best friends’ (which is also something heard many many times- he’s a great guy BUT….)  So why would a partner/ best friend etc be so callous with your feelings and care so little about what YOU want for the future? Sorry Bee, sometimes compatibility isn’t enough to make it work when your goals just don’t align. 

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