(Closed) 8 years. No proposal

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
8019 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Don’t have a child with someone who won’t consider what you want regarding marriage. Do you have any agreements in place about how to deal with the house if you split? If not, perhaps that’s the discussion you should be having right now. You’ll better know where you stand and it may just be a wake up call for him. (If it’s not a wake up call for him you absolutely have your answer.)

Post # 17
Member
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
charlottejx1 :  

He does not want to marry you.  It could not be much more clear.

And he does *not* get to call certain topics, like YOUR future off limits or taboo.  How can you even think of marrying a guy if you don’t feel secure or comfortable enough with him to talk about basically anything?

I am so sick of this ‘too much pressure’ crap.  This frail and delicate flower manages to suck it up and deal with pressure in other areas of his life, doesn’t he?

And for gawd’s sake–DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH HIM!  That would be complete madness.  It will *not* make him want to marry you.

Think of the well being of the unfortunate child born into this unhealthy relationship.

Post # 18
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

Wow, what is with the guys discussed here?!!! Babies, never marriage? I guess guys see women willing to put up with this nonsense, so hey, they (the guys) can take the easy way out.

Don’t be one of those women. DO NOT HAVE A BABY, geez. Value yourself to be a strong, worthy women who is more than some girlfriend who can raise a man’s child, cook and clean for him, do his laundry, but never be good enough to be his wife. 

And I second the PP, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that having a baby will make him love you more or make him marry you. It won’t, especially these days where the guys get everything the way they want because the girls blindly comply.

Just. Stop. Now.

Post # 19
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My ex H was just like this, much the same time frame…got together when we were 24, I hit 30 and started thinking ‘why doesn’t he want to marry me’…convientally ignoring that he’d always said that he never wanted to get married, didn’t agree in marriage etc…

I should have split up from him there and then.  Instead, I proposed to him when I was 33 and we were married 6 months later.  He told anyone who asked or would listen that he only did it ‘to shut me up’.  He was a crap husband and we were seperated by the time I was 38.

I would never marry a man who had said – even in jest – that they didn’t believe in or want marriage.  I will only marry a man who is as keen, if not keener, than me to be married. 

Don’t get pregnant unless you are okay with being a single parent. 

Post # 20
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

charlottejx1 :  “I have told him all the way through the relationship that I want to be engaged before we have a baby, and we are planning to try for a baby in the New Year.”

…And notice that he is ignoring your request. That tells you everything you need to know. When a guy says he’s not wanting to get married or showing hesitation, believe him. He’s telling you flat out. Sorry Bee.

Ya know, my grandmother’s generation had a saying: “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?” I do think that saying holds a lot of weight and truth today. (and am not talking about  or against premarital sex — this is about way more than that). Just read these threads. Guys should have to work for this—to do everything they can to be with the woman / for the woman, honor her and treat her as the best person in the world to him, but apparently they don’t have to. Why? Because they don’t have to.

Post # 21
Member
1117 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Bee, I say this as tough love, not as being mean.

You deserve more than this. You are worth more than this. You should NOT have to sacrifice your dreams for your life for a guy. DO NOT have a baby with someone who won’t commit to you. DO NOT wish for a man to “compromise” in marrying you.

I’ll tell you a story. One of my BFFs from high school met a guy in college. They were together for 8 years. Owned a home together. She thought they were perfect together. But he wouldn’t marry her. She told him that she wanted a proposal before Christmas or she would leave him. He didn’t propose. She left. He DIDN’T chase after her.

After dating for a year or so, she started online dating and this guy kept messaging her to go on a date. After ignoring him a few times, she finally gave in and agreed. She said that when she met him, she was instantly so nervous because there was this instant chemistry. He told her very early on that he would make her his wife one day. Well, after a few months of dating, she found out she was pregnant. He told her it would be great – that they would have the baby and be a family. She told me that his reaction was so comforting because she was terrified. He surprised her with a proposal, they were married when she was 6 or 7 months pregnant and they’ve been married for 3ish years now.

Sometimes, a guy just isn’t that into you. That sounds like your current boyfriend. He’s just going with it because it’s easier than starting over, but it doesn’t seem that he feels passionately about being with you! And you are tolerating this behavior. He’s been honest about not wanting to get married, you really need to listen to him.

If a man loves you, he will move heaven and earth to be with you. My friend’s story is an extreme, but perfect example of that.

Post # 22
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
emeraldbee :  If a man loves you, he will move heaven and earth to be with you.

^^^^ This.

Post # 23
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

A random thought about the “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” line that is forever getting tossed around on threads like this. I think this is actually more offensive to men than women. It assumes that all men are these selfish brutes who instinctively don’t want to get married and have to be manipulated into it. Anecdotally, probably 90% of my now-married girlfriends lived with their SO’s before getting engaged…and yet their SO’s still proposed! It’s almost like some men actually love their girlfriends and genuinely WANT to marry them as opposed to needing to be coerced into it.

Post # 24
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

He has straight up said that he “DOESN’T actually want to get married.”  Also, “I have still had no proposal despite him knowing its what I want more than anything.

Wake up and listen to him.  He probably doesn’t want to get married in general, and definitely “DOESN’T actually want to get married” to YOU.  I’m sure he loves you but sometimes love just isn’t enough.  

His excuses are bullshit btw.  

Marriage is “old-fashioned”?  So??  That’s a good reason to not want to wear a particular shirt.  But a reason to not give you what he KNOWS is what you want more than anything?  That’s bullshit.  And this is someone who supposedly loves you?  I can love a homeless guy better than your BF loves you, if all it takes to “love” someone is to only do what I want to do and everything I don’t want to do, I just push off with bullshit excuses.  

He is shy and doesn’t want the attention that marriage brings?  Oh but he wants to have kids with you, because a baby brings SO MUCH LESS attention than a marriage?  OK. 

If you’re fine being baby mama for life and just being with him is enough, then THAT’S GREAT.  But if it’s not enough then you need to wake up now.  

Post # 25
Member
1714 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

“I just don’t understand why he won’t propose and I feel like he should be the one to compromise”

I’d answer this by putting yourself in his shoes and asking yourself this question. There’s is no magical spell binding men, so that they are inherently adverse to the thought of marriage. So ask yourself why would I keep saying no to someone despite the fact that I’m already making a home with that person. It may be:

1.
I may want the comforts of a home, and the joy of parenthood, but I’m just not sure I can commit myself for a lifetime in matrimony to the person. Something better may come along eventually and I may need to make an easy emotional exit.”

OR If one doesn’t believe in marriage (what is that btw) it may be:

“Perhaps I can make this person I love more than myself eternally happy by doing something that doesn’t really affect me in any tangible way, I can’t bear the thought of her crying herself to sleep each night…….never mind my comforts just can’t be bothered”

My point is IMO either he isn’t sure about you or is too selfish and apathetic to care about the fact that your suffering internally from his rejection. Either way that is not someone I can lie down next to and call my best friend each night. If he loves you he should be building your happiness not content watching it fall apart.

Post # 26
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

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tiffanybruiser :  Absolutely good men do, and there are plenty of them. I lived with my husband before marriage and there was no hesitation from him, nor did he need to be coerced into marrying me, so yes I too can attest to what you said. Unfortunately not all women find these men right away, and first experience men such as those referenced in these threads. But these guys are great teaching tools, because through those experiences a woman can hopefully learn to stand up for herself and realize her worth. I don’t see that line as offensive, because as much as there are good upstanding men who will do the right thing and treat a woman with love and respect, there are also the jerks who look for the easy way out and try to get what they can with the least amount of effort. These people will walk all over someone when they are able to, basically, and it’s always up to the other person to set the limits and say no. To me, that is where the phrase has its wisdom…and is true in all life, and business too. If you deem a person or thing as valuable and what you want, then you treat them as such and acknowlege their value by “paying” for it with your loving actions—or in the case of a thing, with money—because you want him / her / or the thing in your life.

This society has a way of putting little value on things that are free or even come too easily, and a person who is seen as being of little value will not get treated as they should by guys like this. But if there is something this guy really wants (e.g. not free), he will all of a sudden find a way to pay for it and will appreciate it more. Funny thing, since he should have the same urgency toward the woman he supposedly loves. A man in love will move heaven and earth because he loves her and wants to marry her. Any person deserves to be valued and respected in the same way.

So yes, no argument or insult intended. It’s all good. 🙂

Post # 27
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

View original reply
emeraldbee :  This!!!! 

My advice to you is never settle! If you want marriage and some else deosn’t…leave. Everyone who has a baby before marriage doesn’t end up single and miserable. Your situations is different because he told you exactly what he is not willing to do! Listen to him and move on! I hope you will find happiness good luck!

Post # 28
Member
12 posts
Newbee

I’m one of those recent posters that some of the ladies are talking about – someone who has kids and a home but my partner doesn’t want to marry me.

I would simply say that if you’re happy to choose having kids with this man over getting married, then don’t leave him just because of the marriage thing. I get that pressures and personal reasons for ttc and when to ttc that it’s not always feasible to put that on hold until you’re married. Life sometimes gets in the way.

I chose babies over a marriage and that is the decision I made at the time knowing that he might never marry me. And as much as I still really long for marriage, I still wouldn’t have done things differently. We have a great relationship and a beautiful family.

If all is amazing and it’s just this marriage issue that is the negative for you, and now is the right time to ttc, then I personally wouldn’t hold that hostage until you get a ring – UNLESS you are not happy to accept a potential life with this man without marriage.

But that doesn’t mean he can wriggle out if it so easily. Have that conversation with him, don’t be put off by any defensive behaviour or reluctance to talk. This is a very important issue to you and you have to get it resolved in your own mind now – it’ll only continue to eat you up otherwise and trust me, there are a truck load of stresses while ttc/being pregnant/having a baby that a relationship that is not strong enough will really struggle with.

Stand up, be heard, get some answers, and make a conscious decision NOW. Don’t wake up in 5 years time with 3 kids and a belly full of resentment because he won’t marry you.

Good luck 👍

Post # 29
Member
5003 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
charlottejx1 :  this seems to be the theme this month…

Bee do not even consider having a baby with this man until you have a wedding ring on your finger. Don’t even TTC when you are engaged because in this situation  you may end up eternally engaged. You will not he happy to settle for anything less and this will build into big resentment in your relationship. It is easier to walk away from 8 years together and joint property as  it is a clean break but doing it with a child/children is harder and you are forever a parent together. Be smart bee xx

 

Post # 30
Member
1155 posts
Bumble bee

If the lack of marriage will be a contentious issue for the two of you while you’re raising your children, that will bleed into the children’s experiences and upbringing. Not a very responsible or ethical situation into which you should bring new human lives. 

Why do you want to have children with this particular person? A person who refuses to commit to you legally? Is it because you believe that the amount of time you’ve spent with him will have been “wasted” if you don’t get something out of it? You’re young. Barring any medical problems, you have plenty of time to have children. And–I’m not sure that you really, deeply, completely realize or feel this–you CAN find someone new who wants to have children with you AND marry you, Bee. And you can find that before you’re menopausal. 

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