(Closed) 8 years…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@MsPatient:   I am very much the support system for him and his career and we live as if we were already married.


Well, I think this is part of the problem.  If you’re living as if you’re married, then what impetus does he have to change anything?  I’m sure he’s happy with the way things are.  If you’re playing house already, why does he have any motivation to propose?

You need to make it clear what you want and decide together on a timeline.  Then stick to it.

Post # 5
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It doesn’t sound like he’s averse to getting married, just like he doesn’t feel a particular rush, and he may not realize you’re waiting around on him to make a proposal. If you’ve had one or two conversations in the past, I think it’s probably time to sit down and say, “Okay, so when are we getting married?” 

I always feel like the best way of approaching these things is to be clear and honest about what you need, and to be willing to listen to the other person and willing to compromise with a solution that works for both of you.

Post # 6
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@MsPatient:  We’ve had one or two conversations about marriage in the past, with him saying he wanted to…but years have gone by

 

 

 

So you haven’t talked about marriage in years?  Sounds like he is quite content to keep things where they currently stand.  You really need to have a conversation with him if marriage is important to you.  It is your life and if marriage is important to you, you should NEVER compromise on that.  Be ready for answers you may not like.

 

 

I dated a guy for 9 years.  We were actually engaged for a lil bit, then broke up, then got back together.  I finally left him when I realized he never intended to marry me, only proposed to buy more time.  Wasted a good bit of my 20s on him. 

Post # 7
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@oneofthesethings:  Adults living together isn’t “playing house.” It’s called cohabitation. Some people choose to do it with their partners their entire lives, either because that’s what they want or they don’t legally have other options. Some countries legally recognize the relationship of cohabiting couples. Referring to it as “playing house” and essentially saying, “Why should he buy the cow if he gets the milk for free?” sounds more like 1912 than 2012 and comes off as belittling those relationships. 😉

Post # 10
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My Fiance and I were together 9 years before he proposed to me.  I felt the same way, resentful of all of my friends who were getting married and having children, and really hurt inside because I thought there was something wrong with me because he hadn’t asked yet.  Finally, one night I just lost it and started sobbing and told him how I really felt.  About a month later we went ring shopping together and he asked me the same night  He said that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to marry me, he was just trying to make sure things were stable so he could provide for me.

 

My advice is to have a heart to heart with him and be honest.  Tell him how it really makes you feel and suggest a possible timeline with him.  If you’ve been with him this long, then you should be able to have this conversation with him and expect an honest answer.  Even if it’s not the answer you want, at least it’s an answer.

Post # 11
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Bring up marriage again.  Ask him what his plans are for when it happens.  Tell him how you’d like it to happen like yesterday.  Get a timeline that you both agree on.  If it doesn’t happen by then, move on.

Post # 12
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@MsPatient:  This might sound awful, but I do feel like he takes me/our situation for granted sometimes

 

 

Ya think?  Life is full of tough situations, but that is no excuse to not move forward in life.  Quit making excuses for him.  I got engaged after almost 4 years with my now husband.  He knew from the get go I wanted marriage and wasn’t gonna wait years for it(he knew of my history with my 9 year ex).  I had given myself a timelin(in my head) and if we hadn’t been looking at rings together, actually talking about getting married on a regular basis…I was ready to walk if we were not engaged after our 4 year anniversary passed. 

 

Life is short and no one should wait years for another person to “come around”.  He either wants to marry you…or he doesn’t.  Sorry that sounds harsh but that is reality. Been through that harsh reality once, wasted so many years with a guy that wasn’t the marrying type when I could have dropped his sorry ass from the get go and found someone who was on the same page as I was with marriage.   Seen so many other women fall victim to it as well.  They spend year after year thinking it will happen soon, meanwhile watching all their friends get engageed, marry and start having children. What kind of life is that, to be constantly waiting? 

Post # 14
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Elvis:  True – it is a valid choice for many people but I think they both have to be on board with it. Some of the most successful relationships I know of involve 20 plus years living together without marriage. I assume they have their reasons.

Post # 15
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Have you recently had a very blatant conversation with him about marriage? You need to be honest about your feelings: you think it’s time, you’ve been supporting him for a while, and you’re ready for real committment. Tell him that if he thinks he’s not ready for marriage, he ows you an explanation and a breakup so you can find your right partner. 8 years when you’re clearly ready for marriage is way too long, IMO. Either you both need to set realistic goals that both of you are comfortable with, or you need to part ways and have the opportunity for someone who can give you what you need.

Post # 16
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MsPatient:  i think that you really need to discuss your future expectations with him.  as pp said, you need to set a reasonable timeline together.  you must be on the same page so that no one feels resentment or pressure.

you already live as though you are married so it’s obviously not a commitment issue.

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