Post # 1
No man can fulfill 100% of your needs because no man is perfect and no two people are 100% compatible. I feel that we all have to find the person that fulfills at least the 80% that makes us the happiest, and compromise on the other 20% that may not be as crucial.
I feel like in my relationship I have found the man who fulfills most of my needs, but not necessarily all. What I struggle with is whether the 80% that I am getting is truly what I need, and whether there is something in the 20% that I am mistakenly compromising on.
When I think about whether there is another man out there that could make me happier, my instincts tell me that with another man would come a different 20% that I would have to comprmise on…and I may not necessarily be happy with.
I guess the challenge is deciding if you can truly be happy with the 80/20 mix that you have. Are you OK compromising or going without the 20%? Does the 80% truly make you happy? Are you getting the most important things you need out of the relationship, and did you compromise on the right things? Too bad we can’t have it all, although some may feel that they do 🙂
Just curious if other bees ever wonder whether they are compromising on something that they really need in their relationship.
Post # 3
Well said! I’ve gone through this quite a bit myself! SO and I have been together almost 7 years…off and on. And it’s been me and my doubts/curiosity which led to the “off” periods in our relationship. I think there will always be a “what if I were with someone else” aspect when it comes to me and any relationship I might have. But, I’ve come to realize it’s the, “What if I weren’t with SO” aspect that makes me realize how much I love the 80% he brings to my life. 🙂
Post # 4
@Papillon23: Glad to know I’m not the only one. Did you actually date other people on your breaks?
Post # 5
How interesting. 🙂 I’ve never really heard the 80/20 idea. Now I’ve got to go ponder stuff. 😉 I do know that no one will ever 100% meet anyone else’s needs 100% of the time, which is what makes me feel better and look at our relationship realistically when we are having our rough patches. Which we do have, especially having been togehter 4 years and living together for 3.
Post # 6
I’ve never heard of this rule, but the general concept makes a lot of sense. It can be hard to decide which compromises are okay and which you will regret. I guess it comes down to really evaluating how happy you are in the relationship as-is. It’s hard not to second-guess tho, there are a million what-ifs that can’t ever be answered
Post # 7
@Reign14: I did. And so did he. Of course, that is a little painful for both of us to think about at times, but I really think it makes us appreciate the other more. You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone? (And I’m damn lucky that I was able to have it back! lol)
Post # 8
Although I feel like this 80/20 rule must be true, I feel like, if you are asking yourself about this in the first few years, really dwelling on what you’re missing, then the 20% may be too important to you for a compromise.
I feel like the things I didn’t like about FH that I saw right away were things I didn’t care about or dwell on. Other things came up as the years went on and we got to know each other in every light, but it still didn’t come to, “What if…?” If you can’t help but see the 20% when you have an incredible 80%, then it’s time to make tough decisions.
I actually thought the title of the thread was going to be a complaint about kissing. “I ALWAYS go 80 and he only goes 20! How can I get him to initiate??” or something heh.
Post # 9
@MrsBroccoli: I agree that if you’re dwelling on the 20% so soon than it must be very important. That’s why I Struggle with this sometimes.
I’ll give an example. I am a bit of a neat-freak and my SO is the opposite. We have been living together for 8 months, and there are times when I get so frustrated because I feel like I’m the only cleaning the house. He’ll clean if I ask him to, but asking all the time can get exhausting. When I get to my breaking point and we argue, I sometimes feel like living with a messy person is impossible for me! And I comtemplate whether I can handle it long term. Then I think about whether this is a deal breaker for me. With all the wonderful things that my SO brings to the relationship, I seriously doubt I’d ever call it quits b/c he’s messy…even though keeping a clean house is extremely important to me, to the point that it affects my mood and quality of life. Not to mention he is always working on getting better, and has started to clean sometimes without me asking.
But I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like living with a man who is neat and cleans without me having to ask. But when I think about that, I face the reality that another man may be clean, but chancees are he won’t be as considerate, loving, funny, hard working, etc. as my SO.
Ahhh the struggles of relationships. Sigh.
Post # 11
This is definitely something I think about a lot too, especially lately. I mean when things are good, I even feel like we are 90/10! SO has said this too, but maybe we are exaggerating. Anyway, feeling that way is a good thing… however, there is one thing in my 20 (or 10), that I have a hard time with. It’s just that I am such an affectionate, emotional, hopeless romantic type of girl. My SO tells me I’m a sap all the time (playfully). He, on the other hand, is a little less into expressing his emotions. I mean he does cuddle me sometimes and he has done some romantic things, but for the most part I just keep finding myself thinking “ugh i wish he’d express himself like i do!” I mean, granted, I know this is a lot of girls’ complaints, but I also know there are some guys that are very romantic because I have dated them. But then again, those guys of mine had other flaws I could not deal with like, oh i dunno, LIARS and CHEATERS! lol. And then I think, my boyfriend is pretty close to perfect. He is amazing, he’s loyal, he treats me well, he makes me laugh a lot, I always have fun with him, and I do belive he loves me very much (he just dont’ always express it)… But even though I have all that in him, I can’t help but think “I want him to be so passionately in love with me as to adore me and treat me like a princess!” And then I wonder, maybe he is “passionately” in love with me, but he doesn’t know how to express it. He has told me though that he is more emotional and affectionate with me than he has been with any of his ex gfs. I dunno, maybe I am just insecure or maybe I am just a brat.
I dunno. That’s just something I wonder about. Am I being a brat? And if I do go out and look for that guy, what will be in his 20? Will it be something I can handle? And will I even find another 80/20? What if the best I can do after this is 70/30 or 75/25? Would it be worth it if he was super romantic? Is there even someone out there that has ALL my favorite traits? I mean my bf comes pretty close. I just want him to freakin write poems for me and tell me he misses me every day. OMG now i sound like a freakin chaser of love movie characters! HA!
I mean he has other faults too, like being “super messy,” but that’s one of those things I don’t mind dealing with. I have gotten used to picking up after that boy. 🙂
Post # 12
@juneebee: I can definitely relate. And you’re absolutely write…that if you did try to find that guy that’s extremely affectionate, he would lack something else that your current SO fulfills. He must be giving an amazing 80% or 90% since you have decided you can live without him being overly affectionate (although of course you’d still like that). Sounds like he compensates in a million other ways.
My SO is actually the overly affectionate one! I’ve neve been with anyone as expressive of his feelings as him. I am not that way and I wish I could be more like him. It really is great, and even when it’s annoying I do not take it for granted because I know if he wasn’t that way I would wish he was. This trait makes up for some of the other traits be lacks, like being good with finances. It works out because I’m good with finances and he’s agreed to let me handle them. Would it be great to have a man that’s good with finances so I didn’t have to…of course! But this is where the compromising comes in.
My theory is….there is a short lsit of the extremely desireable and important traits in men, including, but not limited to:
We’d love our man to have them ALL. But the truth is, we’re lucky to get a man 4 out of 6 of these traits! And we’re often willing to put up with their shortcomings as long as they have the majority of these.
Note: I realize this list is arguable.
Post # 13
I don’t know…I don’t really think you can put a mathematical theory on relationships, lol. I guess I’ve never really thought about it, if you can…
I don’t really feel like I’m compromising anything, actually. I know he is. I’m seriously ill, I have good days and bad days. It’s up to him to make sure things in the house are running smoothly, like that the dogs/cat are fed, the laundry is done, keeping the house clean, etc, because much of the time I’m just not up to the tasks. He’s also the only one working, so he pays all the bills (including wicked hospital bills) aside from what I get for disability. He’s gone through A LOT just to make sure I’m properly taken care of and that I’m functioning best as I possibly can given the circumstances, not to mention the fact that he’s ALWAYS there when I need to talk, and he always lends a shoulder to cry on. (most of the time I think positively, but I’m only human.)
He’s just the best person ever. If there’s something I’m compromising for him, then I have no idea what it is. I know he compromises a ton for me, but I guess he just doesn’t focus on that. It doesn’t seem to matter to him. The compromises are so miniscule, or there are so many more positive things about the relationship, that we just don’t even think about them, I guess.
Post # 14
@imageeksowhat: Well that’s great that you dont feel you’re compromising on anything. Sounds like you have a great guy and I definitely think exceptions like yours exist. And it absolutely goes both ways. For instance, I’m sure my bf puts up with my faults in order to reap the benefits of my favorable traits.
I always wondered whether others think about things in these terms, especially guys. I’m not saying this is a full-proof method to assess a relationship…but I find that it’s true more often than not. In simple terms, when the Good > Bad, we tend to be fairly happy. But when the Bad > Good, that’s when people usually (not always) decide it’s time to walk away….at least in the beginning stages of a relationship. Of course there are exceptions like illness, for instance.