Post # 1
Hi everyone, I have a nanny working for us twice a week for a couple of months now. My 9-month old still has not warmed up to her and cries all day. I work from home (second floor) while the nanny and my daughter are on the first floor.
We have a nanny cam which I very, very rarely check. I want to be able to trust the nanny and not hover over her while she’s doing her job. However, when my husband checks the camera, my daughter is just crying all day. She’s balling her eyes out and slumped over on the floor while the nanny is on her phone. This breaks our hearts. We, as parents, feel like there isn’t enough interaction between our nanny and our daughter. Of course, I don’t expect her to constantly sing/play/etc. every minute, but when she does play with her, it doesn’t really seem geniune. She’s just not lively nor energetic at all. When a close friend of mine came over, she asked if the nanny is a robot. She also said that she doesn’t give the impression that she actually likes kids. My mother also visited and she thinks the nanny is patient, but also very dry.
When the nanny takes her out on walks, however, this somehow calms our daughter down. She’s not entirely happy still, but she doesn’t scream at all times. The nanny suggested that they go out on walks, parks, kid-friendly places, etc. but it doesn’t make me feel comfortable. I feel like if she kind of does things half-ass at home, how can I ensure the safety of my child? Also, taking her out to calm her I feel is like a temporary solution. It quiets our daughter temporarily, but screams the moment they’re back home. This doesn’t address the ultimate goal which is for our daughter to be comfortable with her at all times, for them to be comfortable with each other. Or maybe the more they go out, they’ll eventually bond?
I think it may also not be helping that my daughter only sees her twice a week. But when my friend came over, my daughter warmed up to her quite easily. She would still cry, but not scream as bad. I don’t know if at this age they naturally just connect with some people or not?
What are your thoughts? Do you have any experience in this type of situation?
Post # 2
This post give me all the red alerts! I’ve been an infant and toddler nanny for over 7 years now and I just get the sense your nanny is not a great fit. As conflict-avoidant as I am I would let her go as soon as I found a better fit. I honestly cannot even imagine one of my sweet babies crying on the floor. It would break my heart. It is okay to set the expectation that your nanny should not be on her devices while your baby is having awake time. She shouldn’t be on her phone while caring for your little one. I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh, but you and your baby deserve someone who cares more! My standard of care is that my charges are cared for EXACTLY as I would my own baby, and I would never allow my baby to be slouched on the floor in tears while I catch up on social media. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach. The two baby sisters I nanny cry when I LEAVE every day… It is not a good sign that the baby cries WITH the nanny. I would find a replacement… I know it’s easier said than done, but in all my years as a nanny I have known plenty of terrible nannies but also plenty of absolutely amazing nannies with whom I would not hesitate to leave my future babies–They are out there!! Good luck to you!
Post # 3
I have worked as a nanny for many years. I’m in grad school studying child development.
FIRE HER! That is absolutely ridiculous! She should not be on her phone, and how dare she allow that little baby to cry all day. I knew from the title of this thread that it would be a case of the nanny doing something very wrong.
This is NOT an issue of your daughter not warning up to her. This is an issue of a woman not taking care of your daughter’s needs.
Fire her now. Hire someone who likes children, who you can trust! Your daughter deserves to be taken care of by someone who will actually take care of her. There are so many wonderful people who could be watching your child. This makes me so sad for you and your daughter. Go get a nanny who you can trust to take your baby to the park.
Post # 4
zanyapple : Full disclosure: I don’t currently have children – I popped on here because I felt badly for you.
It must be so hard for you and Darling Husband to be aware of this. Kudos to you for managing to stay on the next floor knowing that Dear Daughter is distressed! I agree with leaving the nanny to do their job but your motherly instincts must be torn!
If Dear Daughter and nanny have not bonded, and other people have noticed that nanny isn’t invested (DD will pick up on this too – babies need engagement) then I’d be considering a new nanny. I wouldn’t be convinced it’s just an adjustment phase. I do not however think that that means nanny would ever allow any harm come to Dear Daughter – I’m certain she’d already be out on her ear if you genuinely suspected that! Good luck with whatever you decide.
Post # 5
zanyapple : why haven’t you replaced her? She’s on her phone a lot, your daughter is slumped over alone crying, are you kidding me? Your daughter doesn’t like this woman?!
Get a new nanny.
watch the nanny cam for the first few weeks and thereafter check it randomly.
Trust your gut, put your kid first. Who cares if this nanny is a nice person, she’s not a good fit for your kid. I’m honestly not sure what you’re waiting for or what anyone can tell you that will make this okay.
Post # 6
From this post I’m not sure why this woman is still your nanny. At best she’s not a good fit and at worst she isn’t even really trying to do her job properly.
I’ve been a nanny before and worked in a nursery. I was rarely, if ever, on my phone while at work.
Post # 7
Another vote for get rid of the nanny. She’s not doing her job and your daughter’s well being is affected while they are together. I don’t think it’s a case of your dd not warming up to her, it’s a case of her just not being a good fit.
Post # 8
I don’t think she’s the right nanny for you or your daughter. There can be an adjustment phase, but it doesn’t sound like it’s working for any of you. She should not be on the phone while watching your daughter if she is only there for 2 days. You should feel comfortable with a nanny taking your daughter for walks, but you don’t. It’s not good for you to feel that uncomfortable with a nanny.
I babysit a lot when I was in high school. There were times when a child would cry when mom and dad would leave, but they would always settle down after we were alone. If your daughter won’t settle down for the nanny, she is not doing a very good job to find a way to comfort your daughter.
Time to find someone else.
Post # 9
I agree get rid of her!!!
Most jobs you can’t be on your phone, so why is she any different? I can understand checking your phone on her break of if she has an emergency but it’s her job to care for your dauughter and she isn’t taking it seriously. My child hardley ever cried after 5 months unless I wasn’t giving him my 100% attention. He definitely doesn’t cry when I’m with him. It just sounds like a bad fit and she doesn’t like kids.
Post # 11
Your concerns are valid and I agree with the other commenters that it’s time to find a new nanny.
Post # 12
My apologies for the <div>s being added to my comment. I’m not sure why this site’s editor is adding those.
Post # 13
zanyapple : FIRE the nanny. and REPLACE HER!!! Fuck no I wouldn’t let my child cry and cry nor would I want someone doing that either.
ETA: that’s not normal and it’s not an adjustment period.
Post # 14
<div>Thank you everyone for taking time to reply! I really appreciate all your advice!</div>
<div>We are first-time parents and this is our first ever nanny. We haven’t fired her yet because we thought this was just an adjustment period. We also thought that since she only comes twice a week that this isn’t exactly helping Dear Daughter adjust quickly.</div>
<div>I also didn’t think/know that babies can already form opinions about people (ie like or dislike certain people)? I didn’t realize they can sense that. I only somehow realized that when my friend came over to visit. My mom did come to visit and stayed with us and Dear Daughter warmed up eventually, but I attributed that to my mom living with us for a couple weeks.</div>
<div>Yes, I do get the feeling that she isn’t trying hard enough to alleviate DD’s screaming. She hushes her, takes her out on walks, etc. but she gives me the impression that her mindset is like, “no matter what I do, she’s going to cry anyway, so what’s the point of even trying”. The easiest solution is to get her out on walks, but to me it’s like bandaiding the situation.</div>
<div>I’m currently interviewing nannies and have shortlisted a few.</div>
<div>Also, DH and I do not share the same views. He thinks we should tell the nanny to do better so she can improve. He believes that as an employer, you can’t just fire someone without giving them a chance to be better because in their eyes, they don’t know they aren’t meeting expectations. My stance, however, is that – why do I need to teach her to do certain things when these are the very essence of her job? I understand that common sense isn’t really common and there are people have no initiative and do need to be told, but I feel these are pretty basic things? If you aren’t giving my daughter full attention as a nanny, then what else should you be doing?</div>
Post # 14
zanyapple : I guess my rebuttal to Darling Husband would be “We’re parents first, employers second.” Never would an employee’s “feelings,” take precedent over my screaming child for hours on end, in this situation.
Definitely find a new nanny, and take all of this as a lesson. Find a nanny who actually enjoys your daughter.
Post # 15
zanyapple : To Darling Husband: the nanny isn’t fulfilling her basic job requirements.
I’m pleased you’re short-listing replacements! Dear Daughter and nanny need to bond. You’ll know if you have a grizzly baby but this isn’t that.