(Closed) 9 months in and Im ready to call it quits ( douche of a husband)

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: What would you do?
    Tell him out it is and stay? : (41 votes)
    43 %
    Threaten to leave? : (52 votes)
    54 %
    Just roll with the punches? : (3 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 2
    8444 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    jenrawson21:  This sounds odd if he’s never acted like this before, could he possibly have a problem with alcohol?  Has something changed (i.e. job loss, financial difficulty, illness, etc)?  I would recommend going to some couples counseling to sort this out.  However, if his behavior escalates it could turn abusive.  I don’t really view divorce as an option unless someone is actually in danger, so I would recommend exploring all avenues of resolution first.  Hopefully he’ll realize what he’s going and things will get better for both of you.  Best of luck.

    Post # 3
    2481 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Was there something specific that triggered off this apparent change in personality? Only for someone to suddenly behave so differently, and so unacceptably, suggests more than just a lot going on at work. 

    I wouldn’t advise threatening to leave (unless you mean to carry out the threat) and neither should you roll with the punches. However, you do need to get the bottom of what on earth is going on. 

    Post # 4
    914 posts
    Busy bee

    What did he used to be like? You said a few weeks in your open, what was he like when you first got married?

    Post # 5
    1262 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I’m normally of the mindset that the two of you work it out, but this sounds like he has his own problems he needs to work on. I voted leave, but what I mean is separate. If he can show you that he can work on his issues, maybe there is something to salvage. But belittling you and insulting you and just undervaluing you as a human being? Yeah, vows or not, I’d be OUT. Either way, sounds like you guys have some serious problems and he needs help.


    Post # 6
    6699 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2011 - Baby boy 12/2015

    Sorry to hear this, one thing is to tell each other our defects and another is to insult each other. He seems to me that he is insulting you and being disrespectful. Once the couple starts calling each other’s name and making disrespecful comments, that says that something is really wrong. Don’t allow that to happen because the more room you open for those types of comments that more it will happen. Have you thought what possible thing can make him say such things? Does he says them out of the blue? I’m really sorry.

    Post # 7
    579 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    jenrawson21:  I would recommend therapy (I know everyone says this for everything though). My reasoning is that this isn’t just stress, my husband has an extremely stressful job and a lot going on his family and while he might get snappy and swear in general and raise his voice (seldom at me though), he has never once called me a name ever. He has had bad days and bad moods and as much as he gets snappy, he always treats me respectfully. I honestly think your husband needs to talk to someone, I am trying to convince my husband to as well so I am not trying to suggest my husband is perfect, just that name calling isn’t acceptable…

    Post # 8
    128 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I agree with PPs, if he never behaved this way before, and this represents a sudden change in his behavior, I’d try to figure out if something else is going on, stress, mental health, even phyiscal health. I would evaluate this stuff before giving up if he was always kind to you before, but if nothing else is going on, and the behavior continues, then in that situation I would recommend leaving, but you’re not there yet, try to figure out if something is going on first,

    Post # 9
    9231 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    Sounds like verbal abuse to me.  Sometimes it doesn’t start until the abuser feels he really “has” you, so this fits the pattern.

    Alcohol doesn’t cause it, but it will take the brakes off.

    Couples’ counseling is not safe when there is any type of abuse.  I do encourage you to get counseling for yourself with a therapist knowledgable in abuse.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this.  I understand how painful & destabilizing it can be.

    Post # 10
    181 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Good luck with this. I voted the first option because like others, I feel something is going on. Alcohol problems? perhaps he started taking a new medication that is making him really wacky and mean? I’d definitely try to resolve/confront this issue before just up and leaving him. Marriage deserves a good honest try for resolution. 

    Post # 11
    628 posts
    Busy bee

    I wouldn’t divorce someone over name calling. I’d focus on fixing your communication because obviously something has triggered his behaviour and ideally married couples work through challenges together. 

    I’m not saying to put up with it, I’m saying to talk to him and figure out why he’s taking his anger out on you. Stress can make you do strange things and while it’s not an excuse, your relationship will have many ebbs and flows over the years. 

    Post # 12
    1069 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    Get to couples counselling, stat. If he refuses to go, go alone. If nothing else it should help you to stop things from escalating, figure out when it is time to leave, and give you a safe space to talk about what is going on. His behavior is alarming and unacceptable, but if you act quickly there may still be something to salvage.

    Post # 13
    6005 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    jenrawson21:  That is NOT okay. At all. It’s abuse. Classic signs. But I’d definitely try counseling first and if it’s still not working out, life is TOO short. Trust me.

    Post # 14
    471 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    jenrawson21:  You didn’t include the poll option ‘Just up and leave’. I wouldn’t threaten to leave, I would just leave. How dare he speak to you like that! If alcohol affects his personality like that, then he needs help, but if he starts talking to you like this 9 months into a marriage, how will he be around you in 5 years time? 

    Post # 15
    2375 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Sudden behavioral changes are frequently a symptom of a medical issue. If he never acted like this before, I doubt he all of a sudden became an abusive bastard out of nowhere. Alcohol abuse can also affect behavior. Before counseling, I’d get him a medical checkup, and go from there.

    The topic ‘9 months in and Im ready to call it quits ( douche of a husband)’ is closed to new replies.

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