(Closed) 9 years and still not engaged

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

View original reply
pink89 :  I’m so sorry that you are going through this! I am usually one to tell waiting bees to “just be patient” but you have been together for almost a decade, have a mortgage, AND a child together. It’s almost cruel that he has put it off for so long while continuously saying “it’ll happen eventually.” I don’t think that I could have stayed around for so long without that confirmation of commitment. 

As for the wedding, if he eventually gets his ass in gear, you will still be a beautiful bride. Your wedding may not be exactly how you originally planned but it will be beautiful and you will be married. Good luck bee! 

Post # 3
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I wouldn’t have stayed, to be honest. BUT. You have and you have a lovely child together and a life. I would straight up tell him exactly how important and necessary this is to you and that you don’t care if he proposes with a ring pop, so long as you get to marry him.

Post # 4
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

I don’t know why you’re taking the blame for ‘ruining what should be the happiest time of your live’ when you’ve been clear from the get-go about what you want, and have been letting it slide for 9 years? I don’t understand how he can be your other half, and that you get along so well, yet you can’t stop crying? I don’t understand how ‘you have made it even harder for him to propose’ when all you’re asking for is a pledge of commitment?

I mean honestly, at this point getting married is a drop in the bucket.

It sounds like he’s blowing smoke that he ‘is overthinking’ and ‘wanted it to be special’. It’s not rocket science. I still don’t really understand from your post what his actual aversion is. It’s pretty clear from his actions that he’s not going to be able to provide the surprise fairytale proposal – and it doesn’t need to be that to take this step forward.

You’ve built a life together, despite his lack of formal committment, and the only missing piece is the marriage certificate. Why don’t you just skip the proposal part and pick a date and start planning?

Post # 5
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
pink89 :  I think you need to come to terms with the fact that he has no interest in marrying you.  If he wanted to marry you, he’s had 9 years to do it.  

Post # 6
Member
6354 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Honestly, I don’t understand why you went ahead with trying for a baby when marriage was so important to you. It seems like you’ve just been sitting there, waiting for him to come around, and not taking any control of your own life. It seems like he’s full of bullshit excuses but you have to take responsibility for this situation too. You let it get to this point. I would’ve told him long ago that his time to “make it special” has passed and that I’ve decided we’re just going to the courthouse on X date.

Post # 7
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Ok it’s time to take initiative here. It seems like what is holding you two back is traditions. Take his butt to a jewelry store find a ring that you both love. Get the ring and hand it to him……say now “surprise me” then take over the planning. All this after one more sit down conversation confirming he wants you to be his wife. Get on it with it women! 

Post # 8
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Ouch. Nine years is a long time!!! I agree that it’s cruel. Unfortunately he’s in a power position unless you make it not so. It depends on your willingness to keep waiting or accept the fact that he might not want to get married. I know it’s complicated now that you have a little one, but are you willing to walk? After 9 years, it’s not about the ring 🙁

In My Humble Opinion it’s not something that you need to get a move on. It’s supposed to be something that both WANT to make happen. I think taking charge makes it 1/2 *** on his part. 

Post # 9
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I don’t usually advocate this, but in your case I would just propose to him, like tonight. Or maybe don’t even formally propose–just suggest to him a wedding date a few months from now. The surprise ship has long sailed. All his excuses are meaningless. So call him on his shit and put the question to HIM. If he says anything other than “yes” – well, you have your answer. 

Post # 10
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Absolutely still plan the wedding of your dreams my first marriage didn’t work out but my daughter from that marriage was my maid of honor and it was beautiful! Just take control ofthe engangment part and picking out a ring together is still super special. 

Post # 11
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It seems that you are at an impasse and have been for many years. The more you want and ask to be married, the less inclined he seems to do it, despite his protestations. I’d be afraid that unless you both agree on a concrete timeline, he will continue to say that he wants to marry you more than anything in the world but you will never actually get married. The time for surprise proposals seems to have passed, but if you still want to entertain that notion, can you have an unemotional conversation about a CONCRETE timeline? “BF, I love you and we both want to be married one day. Can we agree that we will be engaged by June of 2017 (or whatever)?” If he won’t give you a timeline after 9 years and a daughter, I think you have to consider the idea that although he may sincerely want to be with you, he does not want to be married. Good luck, Bee.                                    

Post # 12
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I agree with the other Bees that at this point it would be appropriate to tell him that you would like to be married in 6 months (or whatever) and start planning the wedding, or to alternatively tell him that you would like to go get your marriage liscense on Saturday, is he free? However, given what you’ve said, I would fear that this would only prompt him to dig in deeper and complain that you are ursurping his position and making it harder on him to propose and then we would be back at step 1.

Post # 13
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee

Ha! You could be me or my friends. While I do think he’s procrastinating, I don’t think it’s weird if you sit down, have a talk, and say “You know, I really think we have our life set, house, beautiful girl, and I’d like to make it official. Can we pick a date and start planning?” Be honest, and see what he says. 

After year 7 of not being proposed to, I stopped asking and dropping hints. To me, I knew we would be together and I started to care less about whether or not we made if “official” because in my mind, we already were. On the other hand, a few sets of my close friends have been going on year 10 and 12 and they both just were recently proposed to. I don’t know what their FH’s were waiting for because they both also have houses, lives, etc. but yeah… it took TEN and TWELVE years.

All that said, I think age plays a part in it too.I also disagree with others that said “He has no interest in marrying you.” That’s unfair and assuming a lot. You didn’t say how old you are? For all we know, you could be 26 in which case it is more understandable that he’s still dragging his feet. To some guys, having a baby is less of a “scary” than getting married. It’s crazy, but dudes are weird.

All of my friends started dating our others in university. We’re in our late twenties or just turned 30 so when you put it that way, it’s not very old to get married in today’s times. It took our FH’s the extra 5-6 years to grow up and ready for commitment.  

Post # 14
Member
431 posts
Helper bee

 When he says this:  “He says that of course he wants to marry me more than anything and he doesn’t feel like there’s anything he can do now because of the way I say that he ‘ never asked me’ sounds as if that’s it now and he never will either,”

What do you say?  Do you say, “What you CAN DO NOW – since ‘of course you want to marry me” – is propose right NOW, look at the calendar with me NOW and set a wedding date”?

Otherwise, you can agree and say, “Yes, it sure looks like you aren’t ever planning to propose to me or marry me despite you saying that of course you do.  If you do want to marry me, let’s set a date NOW.”

The time for pussy footing around and letting it slide and hoping for a proposal is long past.  This is YOUR life.  If he is satisfied living with you, having a child with you and sharing a mortgage with you without getting married, the only thing that will change is if you change. 

Post # 15
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

guys aren’t this complicated. he knows you want to get married (most guys assume that most women want to get married) and you’ve been together nearly a decade and have a child. if he wanted to marry you he would have married you. it sucks that you’ve stayed so long and basically done everything else a married couple would do, because i’m not sure what your move is now. basically you either have to be ok with not being married and staying the way you guys are, or you need to walk. 

The topic ‘9 years and still not engaged’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors