(Closed) 9 years and still not engaged

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

Sit down and talk with him. If he’s not willing to set a wedding date or go pick out a ring together then he just doesn’t want to marry you bee. I personally never would have bought a house or had a child with someone not willing to marry. But it’s too late for that now. So you can decide if you absolutely need marriage to be happy (which is totally okay) or if you can continue your lives together the way they are and never be married. He’s had 9 years to surprise you.. which I think most guys use as a cop out and are really just dragging their feet… But I wouldn’t accept anymore bullshit excuses that’s for sure. 

Post # 17
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2009

View original reply
pink89 :  First, I am sorry you are so unhappy.  Second, not being judgmental, but I do not think I would have moved forward with having a child if I wasn’t happy with the status of my relationship.  That being said, you speak of being SO happy and SO in love, but you sound miserable.  I agree with some of the other posters, you either accept the relationship the way that it is, or you walk.  I don’t think that after all this time (and him knowing how you feel) that your marital status will change.  You have showed him that you will stay with him if he doesn’t marry you.  Maybe leaving him will wake him up to what he has and if it doesn’t, you may be better off.  I’m sorry you are so unhappy.

Post # 18
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Actions speak louder than words.  Ignore his words, and think about his actions.  He knows how much you want marriage, and yet, after 9 years he still has not moved forward AT ALL to make it happen.  This means:

1) He does not want or does not care to marry you right now

2) He is OK with you suffering, crying, and being miserable rather than prioritizing your happiness

Guys are very simple.  He hasn’t asked you to marry him because he doesn’t want to marry you (despite all his nonsense words about marrying you in the future).  He is not going to magically change into a different person.  You have been through this for 9 years, and as much as you wish for him to change, he is not going to change.

So you need to take charge of your own happiness, because clearly he doesn’t prioritize it.  DO NOT be a passive victim when you have the power to free yourself from your suffering.  You need to decide if you can still be happy in an unmarried relationship with him.  If so, then you have to accept that marriage may never happen, and be thankful for the relationship AS IT IS.  If you cannot be happy without marriage, then either propose to him and see what he says, or tell him that you’re done waiting and set a timeline (ie you are ready to look at rings with him, and want to be married by 6 months or whatever date).  What is most important if you take the second approach is to STICK TO THE TIMELINE AND WALK AWAY IF HE FAILS TO MAKE IT.

If marriage is a dealbreaker for you, then you have to be ready to walk away if he refuses to give it to you.  Love yourself and take care of yourself.  Stop sacrificing your happiness for a guy who doesn’t deserve it.

Post # 19
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

So he once sat you down and told you the story of the Expensive Ring Jewellers & How He Couldn’t Get One? Aww, poor him. Is he fancying himself the poor little orphan cartoon mouse in the next Disney special? And this was years ago, before you’d even had your child? What exactly stopped him from going to a less expensive jewellers and getting a ring within his budget? What stopped him from proposing wihtout any ring at all? Surely either of these options would be preferable to the way he’s hurting you? He’s been dragging his ass for years now, watching wedding shows with you and making hypothetical plans, but it’s all just talk unless he backs it up with some long over-due actions.

If you say he’s your other half and your relationship is stronger than ever, then why isn’t he getting what you’re telling him? Why isn’t he seeing how this is maknig you feel? You need to have a serious talk with him- no more hinting, if he’s your partner for life you should be able to speak your mind. This is past the point for him making a timeline, this is past the piont for him saying he’ll save- and it is way past the point for him to utter any nonsense about it being a surprise. You can either propose to him as a few people have suggested or you can sit hiim down and tell him you want to set a wedding date. Take price out of the equation as a stumbling block- do whatever you can reasonably afford to do now, this goes for a ring, cermony etc. It can still be special, it doesn’t have to be a surprise or fancy and expensive- you could get engaged tomorrow and plan a simple holiday ceremony with punch and Christmas themed desserts or you could plan a DIY backyard BBQ wedding for the spring. It’s the NOT doing,  no-action route that is hurting your happiness and your relationship and your partner is allowing it to get worse. 

Post # 21
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

I think some of these comments are mean by saying “I would have left him loooong time ago if I were you” Things aren’t always so easy and now her situation is this. I think that now you just propose to him or just talk that I think now is right time to get married, don’t you? And then choose day for wedding and put that on calender. Maybe he is not just proposing type of guy or is scared of big wedding or something like that… But now when you have house and child together it’s still worth trying! Maybe marriage isn’t so important to him but you have to say now that is what you need and you have to have. And then if this doesn’t help.. Let’s think the next move then!

Post # 22
Member
551 posts
Busy bee

He still wants his cake and eat too is what’s happening here! He doesn’t mind having house with you or a child but doesn’t want to fully be tied down to you! I mean he committed to 18 to life when you had a child with him but can’t buy you a ring?

It’s never too late really but his actions are obviously speaking louder then his words! Rings don’t have cost thousands of dollars and romantic gesture is nothing when it’s one you love! 

 

Post # 23
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

Why don’t you tell him how important it is to you he obviously doesn’t want to ask you for whatever reason. So why don’t you ask him? 

Post # 24
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

Any update OP? X

Post # 25
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. ‘Rings are expensive’ is not an acceptable excuse for not propsing to you. That makes me so angry for you. There are gorgeous rings available at ANY budget. I would be so angry if my SO walked into Tiffany, saw the prices, and went ‘can’t afford these, guess that lets me off the hook’. Nine years of him telling you it’ll happen, just be patient is so cruel! 🙁 Can you maybe just sit him down and say “I want to marry you, if you want to marry me as well then let’s set a date and go pick out a ring next week?” 

Post # 26
Member
7 posts
Newbee

Hi OP!

Well you can certainly say it isnt a commitment issue as having a child with someone is the biggest commitment you can make.  You can walk away from a marriage but you cant walk away from a child.

And you also have a mortgage so he is also committing to you financially.

To be honest, with a gorgeous child, a beautiful home and a loving partner, the marriage part would not bother me as you have already made lifetime commitents to each other. 

Enjoy your life as you sound like a very lucky young woman.

 

Post # 27
Member
8 posts
Newbee

OP: he actually CORRECTS people who wrongly call you the wife ?? I’m sorry but I really don’t believe he’ll ever marry you , ever. 

I’m not married to my boyfriend but he certainly doesn’t correct people who call me the wife. 

Post # 28
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969 - City, State

View original reply
pink89 :  Could you skip the proposal and go straight to discussing wedding plans? 

I know a couple of people who married after 10 years. It is not that uncommon. Don’t worry what others make of it.

Post # 29
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
lovinglywaiting :  Having a child together doesn’t make you committed to each other it makes you committed to the child. Divorced people have kids. People who never married their partners and are no longer together have kids. Same goes with buying a house.  Anyone can buy a house with anyone. While it’s a financial commitment, it’s still not a commitment to each other.  Marriage is a commitment to each other. It’s fine if you don’t need that but op created this whole discussion because she does. 

Post # 30
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I might be in the minority but I see having a child with someone when you’re unmarried as a committment to that child not to each other. Same goes with buying a house. It’s a big financial commitment but it’s not a commitment to each other and I wouldn’t think that it would ever take the place of marriage.  I think it’s a little asinine to tell someone who specifically says that they need that commitment of marriage, “what does it matter. You have a child and house together so you’re practically married.” They’re not practically married. Op’s bf never made that committment. The law doesn’t see them as married and neither does society. If he dies, she’s not legally entitled to paid bereavement from her job as he’s not immediate family. She’s not legally entitled to make medical decisions for him or visit him in the lCU. She’s not legally entitled to alimony if they split up. Theres a whole host of other things she’s not entitled to that I’m too lazy to look up but you get the point. OP, you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you and if it is then you need to leave. 

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