(Closed) 9 years and still not engaged

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
7 posts
Newbee

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oceangirl40 : So your belief is that couples who share a home and children but are unmarried are not committed to each other?   I think that’s quite an ignorant statement. 

 

Some people don’t think that marriage is a necessity, some people believe that it’s an outdated tradition, but to tell couples they are not fully committed to each other as they are not married is ridiculous. 

 

 

Post # 32
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

The complicated issue is that commitment is not something tangible to be held in your hands. It’s an unseen emotional feeling. You can absolutely have that without a marriage. Some people, much like with other things in life, need something symbolic to make it feel real to them. There is nothing wrong with that either. If two people have these different views, a compromise (and understanding) should hopefully be made. 

Post # 33
Member
1529 posts
Bumble bee

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lovinglywaiting :  

I think it down to people’s interpretation, but legally speaking being married gives you more rights than a mortgage or child, so for a lot of people it’s a bigger commitment. 

I know some guys who are happy to have kids with and get mortgages with their girlfriends but think marriage is too big of a commitment and they stall on it. My best friend has two children and a mortgage with her bf and he still hasn’t proposed because he’s “not ready”. 

Personally speaking, for me having a child is the biggest commitment, as I can get divorced and never have to see someone again, but having a child means I have to deal with them for the rest of my life. But I wouldn’t be happy with being someone’a girlfriend forever just because we have a child, plenty of people have kids with people they aren’t even in a relationship with. Marriage for me is the ultimate romantic gesture as it’s a promise to be with someone for the rest of your life, it makes you the most important person in your partners life (legally speaking also) and it’s not fair for people to tell the OP she should be happy without it just because they have a child and mortgage. 

Post # 34
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee

I’m very sorry to hear you are so sad. Nine years is indeed a long time to wait for a proposal, especially when you have a house and child together. I don’t understand how he couldn’t afford to get you a ring (I’m sure any ring would have been nice and it’s not like he needed to spend thousands on a ring, right?), but he could have a baby.  I’m married and have a child and believe me, kids will be more expensive than any ring my husband buys me!  While you have a beautiful child together, I understand that the need to get married is eating away at you. I think you need to have a serious talk with him. He may not be ready or maybe he feels he can’t afford to do it now that you both have a child to look after and a house, etc., but whatever the reason is, you need to talk to him and ask him when/if it’s going to happen and how important it is to you.  I know plenty of couples who aren’t married and live together and have children together and they feel married because the commitment is there.  I always wanted to get married first and I made that my priority before having kids because I wanted to do things in that order, but like other bees have said, it all comes down to how you interpret commitment. 

Post # 35
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

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raspberrybidet :  This hits home for me too.. I’m in a similar situation to this girl, but for me, it’s been 7 years, no engagement yet and I just turned 33 and he is 40.. although he doesn’t get the age thing and thinks and acts like he’s younger. My situation is that he is a workaholic and entrepreneur, building his own business that takes up 24/7 of his time, and the unique part is I have been working with him all these years and we have an amazing work relationship and also super close bond/friendship. Our romantic side of the relationship really took its toll on me in the last couple years and he knows it, I’ve voiced it SO many times to him and he knows where I stand. It’s hard for him to separate work and personal right now and he keeps saying ‘eventually’ it will 100% happen, he doesn’t ever make false promises and he wants me to hang in there till he has things ‘situated.’ I think the biggest hurdle though is the kids part, he is just not ready for the responsibility of kids on any set timeline, though he says he wants them, but not yet. He doesn’t seem to get that as a woman, I’m on a timeline for that, and if we’re on different pages then that’s unfortunately where this is heading.. I love the company so much, I love him too, but I don’t know if I can sit around and wait any longer.. and it’s caused me to be mean and resentful at times to him which ends up being this cycle, because we still have to fix certain aspects of the relationship before he can think of getting engaged. I don’t know, we do care about each other and I have spent nearly every waking minute with him day in and day out for 7 years.. so I understand how it can be so hard to let it all go! 🙁

Post # 36
Member
2115 posts
Buzzing bee

I was in a similar situation with my EX.  In hindsight I’m so glad we didn’t get married but what rings true to me now is everyone who says here that if he wanted to marry you he would have just married you a long time ago.  But for me, eventually my ex just left me, eventually he admitted that it was me in particular he didn’t want to marry, not just marriage in general that was an issue for him 😉   

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